And i thought cutting was hard to deal with...

DeadlyAddiction · 07-10-2014, 10:35 PM

I'm 16. I've been dealing with self harm for 10 months now. I have a friend. More like a big brother. He's 22. And 28 days ago...he killed himself. He hung himself in his room. I'm struggling to deal with it. I think about him every single day. I miss him so much. I used to have nice dreams about him. More like memories of the times we had together. But recently they have been turning dark and morbid. I had a dream that I found him in his room, hanging. I took him down from the rope and tried saving him but I couldnt. It was all so real. Like reality inside a dream. I have a hard time at school and losing him has made it worse. I don't have the best home life and everything is just so much harder on me now. I don't know how to deal with any of this. I talk to one of my teachers because we can relate to each other very well but I haven't been talking to him because I always feel like I'm bothering him and my problems aren't his. My suicidal thoughts/actions have only gotten worse since my friend passed. I'm more mentally unstable than I ever have been. I'm more physically drained. Will it ever pass? Will I ever want it to? I feel like if I try to get better, I'll be basically saying "screw you" or something. I feel like if I try to move on, he will think I'm forgetting about him. I'm so lost. I only want him back. I miss him so so much. I don't know what to do about anything anymore

l'il esky · 07-10-2014, 10:43 PM

Oh sweetie,that's awful im so sorry he felt that was the only option and that you have lost a good mate. It's a bit different but I was with my nan when she died a couple of months ago and all I had in my head for ages was the image of when I last saw her, it will pass. Is there anyone else you can talk to,Dr, counsellor etc?my teachers were fab too work my self harming (many moons ago) and my managers are now but sometimes it's good to have someone seperate from everything.
Big hugs,keep your chin up and keep fighting as hard as it is xx

Patent Pending · 07-10-2014, 10:56 PM

Hi there,

I don't have many words right now, but I lost someone who was the same to me (a best friend/big brother) when I was your age, and I can completely empathise with you - reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it was basically like I could have written it.

Things get easier, and recovering from this loss does not mean you're forgetting about him or turning on him. It means you want to make the most of your life. I felt the same when faced with trying to recover from my loss.

As I said, I don't have many words tonight but I'll try to formulate a more useful reply when I can, but I wanted to let you know people understand and you're not alone ♥ if you ever need to talk or want to let it all out, feel free to drop me a PM.

x x x

iamatortoise · 11-10-2014, 03:49 PM

That sounds awful. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I don't know how common it is but I've had dreams similar to that. I think it's your bodies way of coping with the thought that he is dead and isn't coming back. Which I know is hard to come to terms with. Maybe at night you could sleep with a picture or something of his beside your bed so when you wake up from these dreams you have something positive around you? Is there anyone you could talk to about them? Family/friend, therapist?

They might not be your teachers problems but it seems like you get on well with him. Maybe you could go and speak to him and say it's a bit of a hard subject so he knows it could be upsetting? It's good to have people to talk to, try not to push them away.

Will the thoughts pass? Well that's kind of up to you. Over time I have found dealing with death has got a little easier but it has taken time. I think it depends on how well your brain/body can cope with it. Wanting to cope with doesn't mean you want to forget him it just means you don't want that crushing feeling every time you think of him and as your friend he wouldn't want you to hurt. It will get better.

Is there anyone you could talk to? Does your school/college have a grief counsellor? If not could you find one. I think speaking to someone about it and about how his death as made you feel would be really beneficial. :)

-Asphyxia- · 13-10-2014, 06:07 AM

Hey. I can relate. My childhood friend committed suicide on Mother's Day, and I think about him every day too. I'm 29, and he was my age...I don't know how he did it, but my brother had to call me and tell me what happened (Our brothers are best friends.)

It is really, really difficult. I was suicidal after it happened too, and I am still super depressed about it. Is there a support group you could go to or something? I've contemplated doing that myself. I keep thinking about what I could have done to help him, but...if someone has that mindset to begin with, they are going to commit the act. I am not mad at him for doing it, just mad that he felt so sad and was in that place.

Please feel free to PM me, and stay safe.

Hugs.

Emmelberry · 19-10-2014, 03:23 PM

with all my mental weirdness i've got to say, grieving is the most healthy thing my brain managed to do. it feels unbearable, it feels insurmountable, but it's like every single thought you have are the same ones most other people get too. grieving is a natural process we're built to deal with. it just feels like hell.
one of the most helpful things someone said to me was "i don't think it's one of those things that will ever be ok, it's one of those things that you'll learn to deal with". you learning to deal with it and keep living doesn't mean what happened isn't awful.
i have the same thing where i still get scared of moving on being a betrayal, like living without them means they weren't important. but i can just imagine how upset my friend would be if i thought that she wouldn't want me to be ok.
you just have to keep going. like just keep making it day to day. don't try to force yourself into what idea of healing people are expecting of you. let yourself feel, that's the most important thing you can do right now. but also distraction is your friend.i found school actually helpful once i stopped worrying about my grades and just started thinking of it as a way to keep my brain busy. but anything works. your grades are so insignificant compared to your wellbeing. feel free to message me. x

DeadlyAddiction · 26-10-2014, 09:10 PM

Thanks to everyone who commented on this. Its been 47 days and its still pretty hard. I stopped talking to my teacher all together. I felt too bothersome. I don't have anyone else to talk to. I wont talk to my school counselors because I don't feel comfortable in doing so. I don't have anyone that I really want to talk to. I guess I'm just going to keep struggling with it. I don't want to bother anyone.