6 months free, but...

Hiway202 · 22-12-2015, 12:50 PM

So today I am officially sixth months free of self harm.

I should be happy, but I really don't think I can fight the urges anymore. My mom is being really supportive, but I just keep looking at the scars on my arms and I want to add more.

I see my counselor on Wednesday (I haven't seen her in a while), but I'm seeing her because I unofficially got diagnosed with Bulimia. And if I tell her about wanting to SI, she will probably tell my parents.

I don't want my parents to know. They are really happy that I'm getting over something, even if I brought my ED behaviors back, at least I'm done with SH in their eyes.

And if I tell them, my mom just gets out of control. Like, I love her (and my dad) and everything, but when I told her that I purged a couple times she made me sleep out on the couch with her and whenever I go to the bathroom, my parents have to know about it. This is still going on, too. They are just starting to trust me more again. I don't want to break it by telling them I want to self harm.

This should be a really special day for me, seeing as it's my 6 month free. I just don't feel like it's special.

Wonderland. · 22-12-2015, 01:16 PM

That is so awesome that you have got to 6 months SH free! It's a shame that you don't feel good about because of these urges. Because you really should be able to as it's a massive achievement!

Do you know what is triggering the urges so much?

Hiway202 · 23-12-2015, 11:13 AM

Well, thanks. I know I should feel good about it, but I just don't (except when I pretend to be happy around my family).

I'm not really sure what is triggering the urges so much. Maybe it's because I slipped into my ED behavior again and when I first got an ED is when I first started cutting. Or it could just be that I'm addicted and I feel I need it. I don't know.

I sound like such a mess. I don't know what to do, because I know this is a major achievement as this is the furthest I've gone without SI, and I know I'm going to feel so guilty if I break it, which will just make me want to SH more.

I think all I want is not to break, but something tells me I will.

Wonderland. · 01-01-2016, 05:43 PM

Are you getting any help for your ED at all?

Keep holding on to that part of yourself that desperately doesn't want to break.

What has helped with urges in the past?

Hiway202 · 02-01-2016, 06:45 AM

Yeah, I'm seeing my counselor. She is going to work on these ED workbooks with me. Hope that works.

I guess what helps with the urges for me is just being around my mom because she has depression and she gets it. She's never self harmed but she understands it.

Wonderland. · 11-01-2016, 03:08 PM

It's good that your mum is understanding. Can you set some time to be around her a little more, if it helps?

I'm glad that your counsellor is going to work through ED workbooks with you to try and help with that side of thing. Fingers crossed that will help you.

Having just one thing that helps stop you from self harming is good but it is very limiting. Have you ever explored any other distractions or hobbies to try and help?

Hiway202 · 13-01-2016, 10:46 AM

I've looked through stuff but nothing seems to work for me. Like I've done DBT in the hospital and I've tried stuff like holding an ice cube or snapping a rubber band. It just doesn't seem to work.

JessLynn · 13-01-2016, 06:07 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling. I can relate. I relapsed in self harm a little while ago and now I'm having trouble controlling it. It's interesting that you say your mom gets it because she has depression, because my mother also has depression and she THINKS she is understanding, but she is very far from it.

Hiway202 · 21-01-2016, 09:54 AM

My mom and I have this close bond. I guess it's becuase I have abandonment issues, but I have no idea why because I've never been abandoned before, but my biggest fear is her getting taken away from me.

finding-my-haven · 23-01-2016, 12:13 AM

Congrats on making it to 6 months! That's an awesome accomplishment. I know that for me, my therapist would only have to talk to my parents if I was in danger of killing myself (or others). And just because you have the urges to hurt yourself doesn't mean that you will. Have you talked to your therapist about when they would have to break confidentiality?

Hiway202 · 23-01-2016, 09:20 AM

No I haven't. I will thank you.

And yesterday was 7 months free. Still holding strong. (Even if it's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.)