Hi, i'm Phil a 36 year old man from the uk. I am really glad i have found these forums as i am going thru hell just now. I was until recently a single dad of two boys aged 2 and 4. I also had a friend who developed a drug problem after the break up of his marriage. I told my friend i couldn't have him around my boys with his habit so he wasn't around for a while, then he got back in touch several months later and said he was now clean and he seemed clean and sorted so i let him start coming to mine to hang out again. Then one day i needed to attended an important appointment and couldn't find anyone to look after the boys while i was gone but then he offered to so i agreed, but i was a bit unsure about trusting him so i decided i would try to get back asap after my appointment. Well i went to my appointment and it finished quickly but i bumped into a friend on the way back and he invited me to the pub for a drink i said i had to get back but he said it had been ages since we'd seen each other and he wanted to catch up so i rang my friend to check everything was ok he said it was so i decided to go to the pub. We got chatting and i stayed way longer than i intended to. When i arrived home the police were there, they informed me a neighbour had rung them as the boys had been in the house unattended and my youngest had an accident. They also found evidence of drug use and my friend was nowhere to be seen. of course i was livid, totally livid to think i had trusted him and he had taken drugs in my flat and then gone out and left the boys.I tried to explain this to the police but they told me that the boys would be handed over to social services while there was an investigation.
I was given weekend contact with them and then i was told the case was going to family court. My friend, who is now my ex friend came forward to explain that i had left him in charge and had trusted him and that i was not aware at any point that my boys were in the house alone or that he had used drugs. Well when we went to court this was all explained, but social services were telling the judge they wanted the boys adopted and had found a nice family for them. They argued that there was no proof what i was saying or my friend was saying was true, that i could have left the boys myself, they also said that even if it was true that it was irresponsible of me to leave them with someone i knew had used drugs, they said that the judge should impose on me the punishment of losing my boys for good. My solicitor argued that i had learnt my lesson from the scare i had had and that this was punishment enough, that i had made a mistake, a foolish error of judgement and that i deserved a second chance.
The judge agreed with social services. He told me that he could see i was a loving father but that he agreed that there was no proof i was telling the truth and that even if i was i had to be punished for leaving a drug user in charge of two young boys. He went on to say it wasn't an easy decision for him but he felt in my case the punishment was neccessary. I sat there very calm quietly listening to him, i didn't shout or breakdown, i think i was in shock. He said i would be allowed one last visit with the boys to say goodbye and then i wouldn't see them again until they reached 18.
I did get a two hour visit with them to say goodbye but i don't want to say much about it, its too hard to talk about. They didn't know it was to be the last time they saw me so i had to put on a brave face and pretend everything was ok for their sake, this included having a casual conversation with one of the social workers responsible for getting the adoption approved as if we were great friends. At least when i asked her to take a few pics for me of me with my boys she agreed. I held off from crying until i got home to my now empty flat and then i totally brokedown.
Anyway its now been 6 months since i last saw the boys and its so strange to think that when 2012 started i had my two boys with me and now they're gone. I moved from the flat too hard to stay there without them, i have a one bedroom flat now. i have put their photos and a few other special things away in a box its too hard to look at them atm, everything else of theirs that was still here either went to charity or i threw away, i just can't cope with having loads of their stuff here, its them i want not their things, i have the photos thats enough, but i don't know when i will look at those again. i also have a new job and i'm trying hard to look to the future but i'm finding it hard right now, very hard. There are reminders of them all thr time, like when i see boys of their age in the street, especially if i see them with their dads playing and laughing, it reminds me that i had that and don't now, it kills.
OK i know i made a foolish mistake but it was just a mistake, i trusted someone who i shouldn't have, i was daft. But i loved my boys and i was a good dad, their mum didn't want them but i didn't turn my back on my responsibilities like she did. The punishment of the scare i had would certainly have been enough, i was terrified in court at the idea of them being adopted and i would never have done anything to risk losing them again, but i never really believed or wanted to believe the judge would chose the other punishment so when he did i was just in shock.
I don't really know why i'm posting all this here, i just need to share it i guess and any advice would be helpful. Its not like i can just forget i had two sons but i need to find a way to move forwards and deal with whats happened because adoptions in the UK are permanant and can't be reversed once its gone thru. i just feel empty, tbh i'm very bitter too, i don't think the anger i feel towards the social workers and the judge is going to help me, i feel i need to let it go somehow. Right now i just can't.
Anyway if you got this far thanks for reading. think i should stop here
Phil, I don't have many words but I couldn't leave this thread without leaving a comment. I'm really sorry that has happened and I cannot believe the social services took your boys away. It was a mistake and one you learnt from.
It's so unfair how you read on the news that kids stay with parents who abuse them but don't get taken into care. Where as with you; from what you have said there seems to be no reason why they wouldn't want to believe you. I'm sorry you have had to deal with all this. Have you got anyone to support you through all this? Is there anyway to appeal the decision? - I don't know but if you can prove that ex friend is no longer in your life and your boys would be safe?
*hugs*. Thinking about you.
Tinkles
Ballerina123 - My lovely superstar
Call me R -
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln
This made me so sad, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't believe how the case was ruled as you clearly love your boys very much and your friend didn't give you any reason not to trust him.
Like tinkles has said, is there any way you could appeal the decision?
Thanks for the replies. I tried to appeal but in the uk once an adoption has gone thru they don't reverse it. friends told me to fight to get them back and i tried to fight but it was made clear to me that i can do nothing, no appeal. I tried for the first 4 months after the adoption went thru and it was just brick walls, the last 2 months i've had to come to terms with the fact i can't do a thing to get them back, unless there is a drastic change in the uk adoption laws anytime soon. My focus now is how i can learn to live with this and somehow get on with life, its very hard when you know you have two sons out there and you can't see them.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through - I can't believe they took your boys away when they could see how much you loved them, and like you said, you just made a mistake trusting the wrong person.
I don't think there's anything that can take away the pain you're feeling right now, but maybe you could look into bereavement couselling - I know it's different as your boys are still out there, but you will be going through a kind of grief so it may help?
xxx
maybe you could look into bereavement couselling - I know it's different as your boys are still out there, but you will be going through a kind of grief so it may help?
xxx
I tried normal counselling but the session didn't go too well because he made some daft comment about me needing to look at the positives one of which being 'more free time so i can do the things i didn't have time to do before' that made me quite angry so i never went again, i guess he never meant any harm by the comment it was just very stupid.
I could try again with a new one i guess, a female maybe.
I'm really sorry about everything you've gone through. It sounds horrendous and one can't begin to imagine how bad it is. I agree with Amaranth and maybe looking into bereavement couselling or another form of therapy. I hope you can get the help you're looking for.
That sounds like an utter nightmare and I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
I would definately look into counselling again as just being able to talk about things can help. What your last counsellor said was stupid but I would hope it's not indicative of all the counsellors in your area. Maybe see if any of them have any knowledge of adoption etc?
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
I'm a single mum to a little girl, and can't even imagine how heartbreaking and horrible it must be, to know, that you can't see them, to hear them talk, to teach them things and watch them grow.
i have this to live with for the next 13 years with eldest son and 15 years with youngest and even after that its their choice if they want me back in their lifes or not.Out of all the punishments a person can get in life this is surely one of the worst
hmmmm... maybe i'm being harsh but i kinda think that the decision was the right one. Ok i know you trusted your mate and you made a mistake, but to leave your kids with someone that you knew had a drug problem is really silly, i can see why the social services wanted them adopted, if i was a social worker i'd think the same way. Sorry i know how harsh i must sound but you have been given a punishment for what was a really really bad mistake to make, its hard but fair i think, sorry mate i do feel bad for you cos yeah its harsh but just had to be honest about what i think. i hope you can move forwards in life.
^^ I have to disagree with you. I know this isnt a debate topic but I feel strongly about this. Everyone makes mistake and that like saying dont leave a child with this person because they used to do X eventhough there recovered. I will use sh as an example but thats like saying dont leave your child with this person as eventhough there recovered they used to sh.
This must be a horrible situation for you, I'm so sorry this has happened. Yes you made a mistake, but Social Services should be first in line to advocate for someone with a drug habit being able to change. Obviously in this case, he hadn't changed but there was no way you were to know that and you trusted him. I am *so* sorry Phil - is there perhaps a way you can get some specialised counselling and/or support from someone who knows Social Services and the way they work well? x
You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers – the monsters, the enemies. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?
Hi, i hope everyone is well. Sorry to bring this thread back from the dead but today is my sons birthday and i always find their birthdays hard Sometimes i go for a few months coping ok with it all but when their birthdays arrive it hits me hard. Also the date they were taken into care and the date the adoption punishment was ordered are hard days and christmas too......not that i like christmas much anyway
It's coming on for 3 years since the boys got adopted and in a way time has helped me cope with the punishment a little better but it still hurts a lot at times.
I sometimes wonder if it will ever stop hurting, its an ongoing thing, the boys are now 5 and 7 so i still have a longtime left to go until i can see them again.i can't see them until they are 18 and even then its up to them if they want to contact me and they may not want to
i also met a new partner, we were together for over a year but have split up now and we considered trying for a kid together but when i told social services about it i was recalled to court and punished even more by being told i am banned from having anymore kids for life, if i do have any more they will also be taken off me
The punishment for daring to think about having more kids didn't stop there. I did receive photos every 6 months via social services for the first two years, the boys looked happy and healthy which is one good thing. But its hard to look at the pictures and know i am missing out on bringing them up, i am missing so much. Anyway that privilege was been removed too, so no more photos!
All that cos i discussed the possibility of having more kids!!
i'm sorry i don't know what the point is in rambling on like this, i guess i just needed to share it, get it all off my chest a bit
That seems so unfair, it's bad enough to say you can't have more kids but to stop the photos of the boys as well just seems cruel for no reason!
I'm so sorry social services are being this way with you, it's totally unfair. Is there any way you can appeal their decision, even if it's just over the photos?
Can social services "ban" someone from having children? I've never heard of this and I'm pretty sure they can't do that, it's your human right... though if you had children they may immediately assess your parenting capabilities and consider putting the child in care if they felt the child was at risk or if you have significant history of putting children in danger.
Surely there must be more to this story, to have your boys taken from you for leaving them with a drug addict ONE time is a bit extreme.... I've worked with plenty of 'children in need' (as social services term it) and have met parents who are drug addicts themselves (plus many other things!) and they still have their children living with them (sadly), albeit with social services input. Things have to be pretty damn serious nowadays to have your kids taken off you and one lone incident as you described wouldn't usually meet that threshold.
Either way, I'm sorry for what you've been through, it must be very difficult.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
I had my daughter taken away by children's services because of my mental health history. But even though they have said children's services would probably have to reassess me if I had another child, they never said I couldn't have children or anything. Are you sure you haven't misunderstood them?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
^ Sadly I know of several people who've had kids put in care in the past, and then any kid they have after that is automatically put up for adoption.
I'm sure this would be based on a new assessment each time that person gives birth.
Also- I'm sure you'd confirm that the people you are talking about have acted irresponsibly on a number of times, not just one isolated case.
We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...
^ Unfortunately I'm also aware of someone having their children taken from them because of a single incident and being told that if they had children again they would be immediately removed into care - no parenting assessment or anything. Social services can be total arses and some kids will be left in very abusive or damaging/dangerous situations whilst others are taken away from parents who are very capable of providing a good home and could just use some support.
Guys, I don't think it is the best idea to have this sort of debate on someone's support thread.
Phil I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you, it must be really difficult and I cannot imagine what you are going through. Have the social services said they will take any future kids off you straight away without any sort of assesment before hand? Or have they said they would work with you to try and keep you together?
