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Old 10-10-2019, 04:41 PM   #1741
one_step_closer
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Thank you all.

Yes the cats are very pleased I'm home. I'm struggling a bit. I managed to phone my CPN yesterday and she arranged to see me on Monday but didn't arrange anything else. I think she thinks I discharged myself because I am feeling well which wasn't the case. I phoned my key worker to let her know I was home and she just said to phone crisis if I need to and sounded quite forceful about me getting back to the gym group. I feel really uncomfortable with her being my key worker.

I'm worrying about the future yet again and what I'll be forced into. I keep getting into a panic and hitting my head.

Hospital was useful to begin with. The ward manager who is my favourite nurse found me in a huge state of agitation and said he has no idea how I cope with this daily at home. Hospital is helpful in that my daily stuff can be seen that isn't seen when I'm at home but I'm not sure if anything can really be done about it. The increased the dose of my Aripiprazole hasn't been sorted out yet because I left the hospital at night.

I have no hope that things are ever going to get any easier.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-10-2019, 04:45 PM   #1742
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I have hope that things will get better for you.

Do you think you could try to get to the gym group when it's on next?

I don't know if it's possible but is there any way the ward manager could speak to your cpn on your behalf?

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Old 10-10-2019, 04:49 PM   #1743
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Thanks NP.

I am planning on going to the gym group next week. It's hard because I still feel vulnerable but people think I must be ok since I'm home now.

My CPN will have access to the notes written on the ward and maybe the ward manager will have written something but I guess I could try and contact him and see if there is a way he can pass something on to my CPN, but I don't know what would be important for him to pass on.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-10-2019, 04:55 PM   #1744
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Could you explain to him that it was helpful, in a way, that he saw you in that state of agitation and that you have trouble conveying your struggles to your CPN?

You shouldn't feel like you have to do things just because people think you're ok. Just worry about doing things for yourself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the gym group is good sometimes, isn't it? I know it must be even harder to go back when you haven't been for quite a while too.

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Old 10-10-2019, 05:00 PM   #1745
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Yes, I will see if I can try and contact the ward manager if I can be brave enough to phone. Thanks for the idea.

I do like the gym group and want to go to it, it's just hard to do most stuff at the moment but people don't understand that because I'm not in hospital any more so it feels like people are being impatient and annoyed with me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-10-2019, 05:24 PM   #1746
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Sorry if irreverent as only read the last page or so.

Being well enough to not be in hospital is vastly different to being well/okay. Any good treatment provider should understand that. If they don't I think it would be okay to remind them of that. It's just that your level of being unwell is slightly less than it was (hopefully).



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Old 10-10-2019, 06:46 PM   #1747
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Thank you.

I actually don't think I can contact the ward manager, it feels like I'm saying that my CPN doesn't understand what I go through. I will try and explain what things are like and say she can phone the ward manager if she needs a clearer explanation.

I really need to die but I'm not getting on with it. Stupid human anxiety. I hate being alive. People keep saying with all I go through they can understand why I want to die and that I should acknowledge the fact that I fight through all of this but I don't want the strength to fight, I want the strength to kill myself.

I have an easy external life and nice material possessions. I am a bitch. It can't last forever though.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-10-2019, 03:26 AM   #1748
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Ur not a bitch. Mayb see how u feel re gym group. I ike the idea of telling your cpn that they can phone the ward manager themselves. I hope they will sort out ur meds soon particularly the aripiprazole as the sooner they sort it the quicker the dose increase can take effect if that makes sense. Take care of yourself.

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Old 12-10-2019, 08:18 PM   #1749
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Thank you.

I keep getting anxious thinking about the ward and what happened there and what might be happening now. Like who is upset about what? Who is kicking off? I need to remind myself that I'm not there now and it's pointless to be wondering these things or thinking about things that were distressing but it's hard not to because things will be happening right at this moment.

I don't know where to go from here support wise. I don't know what people could offer me and I don't think that anything will help anyway. People will be wanting me to move forward but I really can't do all that much. I'm trying hard to add small things to my life to make a bit of progress.

I'm seeing my CPN on Monday. I really hope that I can communicate what's going on. I will be writing some things anyway and have some amendments I want to make to my advance statement based on how this last hospital admission went.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-10-2019, 08:27 PM   #1750
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It sounds like you've been working hard to see what could be different next time.

Sometimes I think being in hospital is a big thing and it's no wonder your mind needs time to process it afterwards. I used to often dream about it. But definitely right to reassure yourself that what's going on there isn't something you need to worry about right now.

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Old 13-10-2019, 05:24 PM   #1751
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I'm sorry your hospital admission wasn't super-helpful; it's awful that they were too short-staffed to really support you properly.

Good luck with your CPN tomorrow. Writing stuff down is a good idea and I hope it helps you to communicate to her. What other plans do you have for the week ahead?



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Old 13-10-2019, 06:38 PM   #1752
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Thank you both.

Being in hospital felt a little like a trauma, although I have had much worse experiences during past admissions. It's hard to stop thinking about what went on and what might be going on right now.

The things I have written for my CPN don't really explain anything, as usual. I don't think she'll think I need increased support since I haven't had any support since coming out of hospital (other than the informal crisis team coming over for me to sign my phone call plan) and I've not done anything serious.

I'll try and get to the gym group on Thursday.

I feel dead already but in so much emotional pain. I'm just a ball of emotional pain.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2019, 08:04 PM   #1753
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My appointment with my CPN seemed to go ok although we weren't talking much about how I'm feeling right now. She thinks I might find psychology useful again but that psychologists panic about suicide/risk stuff and she thinks I'll never not be suicidal to some degree for the rest of my life. At the time I was just like, yeah I acknowledged that a long time ago, but thinking about it now is quite scary and upsetting. She said she doesn't think I could work right now but that she wants me to be doing more things with other people because I must be lonely and the winter time tends to make people feel even lonelier. I've had a look into some stuff but there's not much going on. I'm supposed to be trying to go to a walking group on Mondays and I might try a Tai Chi class.

My CPN asked when I last had a meeting with a CPN, a doctor, and my key worker and that it might be a good idea to arrange one. My Aripiprazole still hasn't been increased but my CPN said she'd fax the doctors surgery. She also said maybe I'll be ready for work in a few years. No one will allow me time. I was panicking in the health centre waiting area thinking about how there's no way I could manage a normal adult life.

I haven't self harmed at all today and that is wrong of me.

Edit: Just watched a Tai Chi video...maybe not for me.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 14-10-2019 at 08:15 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2019, 08:41 PM   #1754
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I know a good therapist human can talk with you openly and acknowledge thoughts about suicide and being dead without panicking. Mine all used to. Even my case manager human does.

You just have explain that talking about it is helpful and that talking about it gets it out of your head, and does not necessarily mean you are going to act on or do anything. It sounds like in general you are honest about when you might actually act on things, so if they also understand you will be honest about level of risk, then that makes it a lot easier for them to discuss it without panicking.

A meeting with all of your humans sounds like it might potentially be useful? Are you okay with that?

It is okay if Tai Chi is not for you! Super well done on trying to be open to it and looking up more information. If you do not want to go that is your choice and you do what you feel is best. I do sometimes find with stuff like that that it is very instructor/teacher dependent and might be different in person than what you saw. So it might be that the type or methods of what you saw is not your style, but that in person there are a lot more ways of adapting it that might work better. Again if you do not think it is for you that is fine and do what is best, just throwing that possibility out there.

Why is not self harming wrong?



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Old 15-10-2019, 11:51 AM   #1755
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Thanks for your reply.

I do think that in the past psychologists haven't overreacted too much when I've been suicidal and that when they have arranged help for me it has been what I've needed. To be honest I sometimes think my CPN doesn't hear me when I tell her I am actively suicidal because she's so used to me being suicidal to some degree so doesn't always get me help when I need it. I think it might be useful for her to ask me if I need extra support or whatever but I wouldn't like to mention that to her in case it's like I'm telling her how to do her job or I'm demanding things I don't need. Plus a lot of the time I don't even know what I need.

I'm not sure how I feel about my team having a meeting, I said to my CPN that I'm not really bothered and it can go ahead if she thinks it's a good idea but they all communicate with each other anyway. It might be good to have everyone face to face at the same time to discuss things but it might also be overwhelming and scary. I have felt a bit bullied in the past at these kind of meetings but most of the people involved in my treatment at the moment aren't too scary. I will see what my CPN decides.

I keep trying to look for things to do that are sort of social but there really isn't much I'd like to try and I'm worried that my CPN will be getting annoyed and think I'm not making an effort. A lot of things are on in the evening too when there is no transport and I have an evening routine that I like to stick to.

I've been self harming daily for a while now (other than when I was in hospital) and it feels more right to be causing myself damage regularly rather than on and off when I'm triggered. One day without self harm means less damage. Not that I'm causing myself really 'good' damage anyway. I hate myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-10-2019, 11:34 PM   #1756
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I think it would be okay to say to your CPN if things to do with suicidal thoughts are worse than normal and ask if any additional support is possible. I get that might seem awkward but the worst they can do is say no. It might be that if you talk about it they assume it is not any different than normal so you might have to clarify. I know I have to do that sometimes.

I think lack of transport and having other routines in the evening are important and valid reasons for not trying things. Could you explain that and ask if there are more options that exist for during the day?

Did not self harming in hospital make you feel any different than self harming does?



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Old 16-10-2019, 01:42 PM   #1757
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Yeah, it's hard because I know other people can't see inside of me or feel how intense my pain is so if I use the same words to explain how I am a lot of the time then they won't know when things are worse. People only see my pain when I cry or something like that but I'm always trying to hold back from crying because it embarrasses me. I'll probably just have to say something like "this is worse than usual" or whatever, but I'm sure I have said that in the past and not been heard. It hurts when I'm aching inside and can't get people to see that.

There are things I could be doing during the day but I'm really not interested in most stuff. I tried to do some urban rebounding exercises at home last night and it was cringey even by myself so I stopped. I don't think exercise like that suits me, only the gym and walking but I only get to the gym once a week if I make it to the group. I looked into British Sign Language courses but they're all part of the way through and I don't think I want to do any more formal education. There don't seem to be any informal BSL groups or anything. I got a BSL book in the post today which I hope to make regular time to go through but again that's doing something on my own and my CPN wants me to be doing more social things.

Evenings are the worst, and I had a really terrible evening yesterday. I can't find things that I can focus on and I have a rule that the big lights have to be out at 8pm but there's not much I can do in lower light. I really can't be bothered with TV at the moment. I have ordered a reading light but the dark evenings make me tired and it's even harder to focus on reading. I'm not sure what to do because I am actually driving myself to self harm a lot of the time.

I was doing minor self harm in hospital when I could get away with it and it felt good to be able to do that and cause ok-ish damage in a restricted environment. When I wasn't able to self harm I felt like my head was going to explode. I'm only doing minor stuff anyway so it's fine.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-10-2019, 03:45 PM   #1758
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When I was in treatment they had us make something called a SUDS scale. It's like a 1 to 10 pain scale, but for emotional distress and you fill in what each number looks/feels like to you. Would something like that be worth making or doing with your treatment providers, so that they would have a better idea of where your baseline is versus when you are in more distress?

I know there's a lot of ASL stuff on youtube - maybe you could find BSL videos and info too?

If putting your big lights out at 8pm is making things harder or more triggering for you, is there an alternative you can try? Or if you get really distressed and want to self harm, could you say that you are allowed to put the big lights on for 30 minutes or so and do xyz thing and then turn them off again?

Also just an observation, but even on here you seem to say a lot of very negative things about yourself and downplay your struggles. I'm not saying don't say things if that is how you feel, but have you noticed this? It would make sense if that is how you phrase things to others to say them similarly on here. But if that is also true I can understand why others might not understand. Are you able to notice when you say negative or invalidating things about yourself?



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Old 16-10-2019, 04:03 PM   #1759
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I was thinking maybe a scale thing would be good but it seems a bit psychological and I'm not sure how psychological thinking my CPN is. For some reason I'd be embarrassed to bring it up too, like it's a childish thing somehow? Not entirely sure why I feel that way. Yes, I do know that I say negative things about myself and how I'm not deserving etc. The people in my treatment team are very used to this since I've always been like this and they know I absolutely hate myself but I think when I am in an extreme state I do try my best to describe how extreme it is. The thing is that I won't ask for what I think I need, I wait and see if anything is offered and if it isn't I'll make do with nothing. It's about not feeling worthy and also being worried that I'll ask for something and someone will say "you definitely don't need that" and then I will feel ashamed.

I put the big lights out at 8pm to try and have 2 hours in low lighting to wind down before bed. I worry that the big lights will make me more awake. The reading light is supposed to be coming this evening but late, so I'll maybe have to wait until tomorrow to give it a go.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-10-2019, 05:30 PM   #1760
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I see where you're coming from about how bringing up a scale could feel "childish", however, it absolutely isn't anything to be embarrassed about! It is a helpful tool. Maybe, you could give it a little more thought in terms of what are the cons versus pros of this method? You absolutely do deserve to be helped, you are a human being! You are worthy of help!

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