Too old for this

[And all shall be well]

Hi all,

Like most of you on the Veterans Corner, I can't believe I'm back. I haven't been here proper for over a decade. I even remember RYL when it was Ruin Your Life. Well, I seemed to have slipped back into old behaviours...cutting, drinking, controlling food etc. I'm not sure why I'm posting so sorry if this is just a ramble. I feel like I just want to say hi and acknowledge this is where I'm at the moment.

I mainly had SH problems in my late teens and felt "well" by about 22. I'm nearly 34, and after over a decade of living life, albeit mostly struggling and pretending to be a "grown up", it seems I'm just the same old me. It's been a gradual decline in the past few years towards relying on SH again. I never ever thought I would feel like this again, and think the same things, or act on them. I guess one bit of reassurance is that I got through this in the past. And I've got a super lovely and amazing GP who is keeping an eye on me. But still, the older I get the more I just resign myself to it being a character trait rather than behaviours and thoughts I can control.

Anyway, I'll stop now. Just wanted to post really, rather than just float around the forum. Sending everyone lots of virtual get well hugs and love .

[aoife77]

Hello there,
I m sorry you have been feeling like a return to the SH and all thats associated with it. Hugs. I just wanted to comment to let you know that your story has resonated with me, I m in my early 30's as well and I ve struggled with SH for the past 18 years, for e it never really stopped to be honest it just came in waves and I sort of drifted with the current. I hope you find relief in knowing that you are loved and I m sure you have a support system around you made up of people that care and are willing to help you through this. To be honest SH is always there lurking below the surface and just because you succumb to it doesnt mean you wont be able to go without it at a later date, you ve been though a lot of challenging things before and I know you have it in you to again. I hope you have a better week. Los of hugs and well wishes. Thinking of you :)

[And all shall be well]

Thank you aoife77. I know SH isn't age specific but part of it is thinking "oh no, it wasn't just a blip in my late teens, this is just who I am". Sorry to hear it never really stopped for you the past 18 years. There was a time when I couldn't imagine ever hurting myself again, but the thoughts came back and I was sure I wouldn't act on them, but lately, I've just slipped back into those old self-destructive coping mechanisms. I'm so glad I don't have any real responsibilities like kids etc!

Hope you've got a support network around you too.

[aoife77]

You re most welcome :) I can defintely relate to what you mean with respect to the "it wasnt just a blip in my teens" to be quite honest when I stared I never thought I d be at my age and still relying so much on it to cope. Any idea what seems to have caused you to return to it again? Perhaps if you can identify the triggers it may help a bit (just an idea). I m also quite glad to not have any kids or responsibilities relating to that. Actually I dont have much of a support network, I m a one person band really. How are you doing at the moment? Sometimes a warm cuppa can do wonders ;)

[nonperson]

Quote:

Originally Posted by And all shall be well

I'm nearly 34, and after over a decade of living life, albeit mostly struggling and pretending to be a "grown up", it seems I'm just the same old me. It's been a gradual decline in the past few years towards relying on SH again. I never ever thought I would feel like this again, and think the same things, or act on them.

Could have written this myself. Just want to say I understand.

[And all shall be well]

Thanks for the replies. Always reassuring to know people sympathise. I feel so lucky my doctor is really understanding. I'd always been resistant to medication in the past, but now realise the side effects of NOT taking medication may be worse than any I'm worried about with taking them.

aoeiffe7 - sorry to hear you haven't got anyone around you at the moment. I hope you have found some tools to take care of yourself. Yes sometimes something as simple as a nice warm drink or a bath helps make me feel I'm taking care of myself a bit.

[Margo]

It sucks doesn’t it.
I always used to think that being older meant knowing better. But I don’t think it does any more. I think getting older means knowing ‘different’.

Knowing better leaves no room for forgiveness. Knowing different allows us room for the mistakes and slips and bad judgements.

Anyway. I read and I know what you mean.

*hands you a balloon*

[meag2301]

Sending understanding and support.