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Old 29-03-2019, 09:39 PM   #1
Deepabidinglove
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Too old to relapse

Guys.... I'm close to 32. I haven't self-injured in a decade. I've got 4 kids and a 10 year old marriage.

I've never been closer to relapsing. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do. If I left any marks on myself and my husband saw, I would probably die of humiliation. I'm not sure why I'm telling strangers this, but it feels good to let the secret out. Has anyone else ever dealt with relapse at an age where everyone assumes you should have your life together?

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Old 29-03-2019, 09:41 PM   #2
Stellata
 
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Location: London area

I'm 49, and had a relapse several years ago due to a breakdown. BUT I don't have a husband or children and most definitely don't have my life together!

I'm glad that you feel better to write it out. What's going on in your life that may have precipitated this?

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Old 29-03-2019, 09:52 PM   #3
Deepabidinglove
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I think it's because I'm having a relapse of my eating disorder, which sort of snuck up on me. I'm still not sure if I've actually relapsed with it, or if I'm just on a pattern of disordered eating that I need to work on.

Anyway, all that to say, I failed at my calorie goals today, and I've felt the overwhelming desire to punish myself. If I had blades here I probably would not be strong enough to resist using them. It's just so strange and frustrating to feel this way after being free from it for so long.

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Old 29-03-2019, 09:59 PM   #4
Stellata
 
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I have an ED too, so can relate.

So it's about punishment for you then. Maybe you're a bit more sensitive and vulnerable than usual which makes things come up more?

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Old 29-03-2019, 10:06 PM   #5
Deepabidinglove
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It's absolutely about punishment. My window for purging the food is totally gone, so I need to punish myself in some other way. I'm going to try working out for a couple of hours to see if I can avoid this self-injury relapse.

I think I've been feeling extremely emotionally fragile lately, you're right about that. I've often wondered if I should be seeing a therapist, but my own sense of pride gets in my way. I really don't want my family members to know I'm struggling.

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Old 29-03-2019, 10:09 PM   #6
Stellata
 
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What's the alternative to punishment?

What if your family already know you're extra fragile right now?

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Old 29-03-2019, 10:17 PM   #7
Deepabidinglove
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The idea that my family might already know is... Horrific. I can't think of something that would cause me worse shame. It's always been a huge fear of mine, that they will know how weak I am.

The alternative to punishment would be to deal with possible weight gain and failure, which feels so unbearable I don't know what to do.

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Old 29-03-2019, 10:18 PM   #8
Stellata
 
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Being vulnerable doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.....

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Old 31-03-2019, 02:35 PM   #9
Natsy2512
 
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I am currently:

I'm 35 with an 8 year old and a partner of 11 years. I'm the same i've gone 12 years without relapsing but recently i've been really struggling. As Stellata said I don't think it makes you weak it makes you human. I made the decision to tell my partner after months of keeping my self harm secret. Having someone else know has taken some of the burden but has made it worse in some respects.

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Old 31-03-2019, 03:24 PM   #10
Naitron
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Location: Portland, OR

I am 32 years old and the last time I hurt myself was when I was 16. I came here feeling the same way. That I am too old for this. I hate it.

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Old 31-03-2019, 07:46 PM   #11
Stellata
 
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No one is too old for pain.

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Old 14-09-2019, 08:56 AM   #12
MF12
 
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Never stopped

Im 33 and Ive never been able to stop more than a few months since I started when I was 12. It feels horrible, like I should have stopped this, that it should be getting better and not worse. I feel like I am too old to be doing this, that I should have out grown it. No one knows outside of my therapist that this is still an issue for me. I totally understand where you are coming from with the age thing.

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Old 14-09-2019, 09:30 PM   #13
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I'm 28 29 later this year I feel like I should have stopped years ago but I haven't it's difficult being older n still doing it frustrating too

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Old 16-09-2019, 09:59 PM   #14
Pi.R^2
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Closing due to age. OP, if you would like the thread re-opened at any point please send me a private message!



Well find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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