Just needing to share where I'm at
I thought I would give a little of my self harm history and struggles I am dealing with today. I have been a cutter for 20 years. During this time, I told my parents (years ago when still a young adult, I am 37 now), have learned to not feel ashamed of my scars and for the last 10 years give or take, I wear clothes that reveal my extremely scar covered arms and other areas of my body (though sometimes this still makes me feel uncomfortable around certain people), and I have had a couple of extended stents of abstinence (which for me is anything over a year). My longest time going without self harming was 2 years (August 2015-December 2017). I had a couple of setbacks last December and again in January, but have picked myself up and started trying again and currently have 11 months free from cutting.
My dilemma is I never seem to be able to get the urges and thoughts fully arrested, as I am struggling again with thoughts and urges to inflict harm to myself. I am in recovery for other issues as well, mainly substance addiction, and have 3 years clean from drugs including alcohol and I find that even though a fleeting thought comes here and there for using, it doesn't stay with me or make me have extreme urges to get high. In essence, I have my drug addiction arrested for now. I don't have the same feeling when it comes to the razor. I still yearn and obsess all the time about cutting and a huge part of me still enjoys and wants to cut. I can's seem to let go and move beyond my reservations surrounding self harming behaviors. I try using art, poetry, other healthy distractions, but I always come back to wanting to cut and I don't know what I'm looking for from you guys, I have a pretty good awareness of what it should take for me to move beyond this and how to cope, my issue is a part of me doesn't want to let go of this coping mechanism. I want to learn how to want to stop.