Relapsing again :( vent
My eating disorder is taking control over my life again. Foods I was fine with are now scary. It even ruined my birthday this year alongside my anxiety, I didn’t even have a slice of my birthday cake or my birthday dinner (Pizza) which is very upsetting. I have a lot of stress going on in my life aka at home and being unable to work due to my lung illness.
I was someone who never thought they’d end up with an eating disorder, especially one as an adult.
I’m someone who had difficulty eating as a child due to my health conditions and I cannot help but feel guilty that at 23, I skip meals and lie about what I’ve eaten, even hiding food in places. Even verbalising that makes me feel awful.
I’ve been battling this by myself since around November 2015. SO age 20. It is a way for me to control my life, how I look and help me cope…despite how damaging it is. I have “self recovered” twice now which involved me eating 6 times a day to get to a minimum “healthy” weight.
I remember October 2016 making myself eat a big breakfast, a high calorie lunch and dinner and in between meals having snacks. Seeing my body change with weight gain was hard, especially without a treatment team. This was so I could complete my final law exams.
I was fine for a bit with eating until June 2017. I was being neglected in an emotionally distant, one sided and toxic relationship and had legal training stress on top of it so I relapsed again within 2 months and ended up in the emergency department from dehydration.
I got a bit better since and made myself gain weight but yet here I am now…22 October 2018.
I am back to a low weight and just want to keep losing weight, despite feeling light headed, foggy, weak, sweaty (from low blood sugar) and awful.
I really don’t think I can get “better” on my own this time, without proper treatment. I also don’t think this disorder will ever be gone completely.