*very triggering* bad relationship with food
so i am coming back to RYL after a 5 year break.
my main issues are suicide attempts and eating issues.
So I am classed as "clinically obese", and really need to lose weight. But have never really had a good relationship with food. my mum and brother both had eating disorders when i was 13/14 (I am now 29). I used to purge a lot after eating, and bin my packed lunches at school. and tonight i have been looking at 'thinsperation' websites. i feel like i want to be underweight rather than overweight. i feel literally disgusted with the way i look. i am so fat, and hate myself. i have added an app on my phone to monitor my food intake and exercise, and calories burned. i know this could get so out of hand. in a way i want it to. how sick does that sound! i want to weigh half the amount i weigh now...at the most. i want to see bones, and no fatty flesh. i want to be so thin that i pass out a lot, due to lack of food. i am sorry if this is very triggering, i am not sure how honest I can be/if the RYL rules have changed, so please delete any comment that needs deleting.
i need support please, any hugs would be greatly appreciated.