Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry that you're struggling with feelings relating to your past abuse. Is your husband aware of what happened? I know that you're reluctant to tell him about your fears, but I do think that sharing your fears with him could help to alleviate some of them. You're not too dirty, or dirty at all. What happened to you was awful but it does not reflect on you in the slightest. If you're not ready to talk to your husband about this, perhaps you could talk to someone involved in your antenatal care about how you're feeling. Do you think you could do that?