I was raped twice definitely when I was fifteen, I was in an abusive relationship with an adult and it ricocheted to very confusing memories when I developed psychosis, a lot of what he used to threaten me with is the very essence of my delusional world and I'm realising this now. It was to make me less legible to anyone I might tell. I've been told he sexually exploited me by my mum who was the only one who believed me all this time, she went to police talks on it and said I was prime victim for it.
She doesn't know he may have used me as payment so he could get drugs I say may because it's a new memory I've had this past week, but fits with what I used to say when I started talking. I didn't tell anyone for a year. Then they (camhs, the police, social services) didn't believe me at all using my psychosis against me) and they wouldn't treat me right so I said, "yes I must have hallucinated the penetration and got it confused with auditory hallucinations thinking there were people in the room" but there was evidence that they denied happened. They made me doubt the core of myself and I went silent I suppressed memories and stopped believing myself.
That was until I started dreaming about it again and then disjointed memories that became clearer and clearer and now most of it is in conscious memory I've openly said I was raped to some professionals and that I wasn't believed they believe me now but I don't talk about everything else, I don't say that memories disturb me so much because I don't want to talk within the NHS about it because they were the source of my ill treatment when speaking out. I don't trust any of them enough.
I wish there was an easy solution, I've been cutting myself to deal with memories I haven't got much control when they happen particularly new ones like last weeks. But it's ruining me, I'm cutting in easy access places and dangerously too, last weeks was my worse ever and the last time was second worst it's on my arms and I'm in training where they may see it I'm looking at long sleeves again for the first time in six years because it is obvious I am losing the plot and looks unprofessional. I'm finding hard to sleep and concentrate, and basically it is just affecting everything since I got my memories back, I have no self confidence I utterly feel ashamed and I'm washing so frequently my skin is raw because I just feel it'll make me feel less horrible, I can't bare the physical memories the touching and all that. My recent memory has the present memory because they are two of my voices, a man and the woman, they were the ones he took me to, and they both did stuff whether more than once I can't tell. I heard them shouting at me in the flashback and then it clicked, i never thought they'd be such a role, so they are loud in the present I feel close to bursting because I can't escape. I want to do more damage but I can't because my mum won't forgive me, I don't feel normal I feel crazy because I just don't want to remember and if I cut it will go away.
This has all been worse since having a cervical exam and smear, ten fold, I was fine at the time but since then I have been out of control I just don't know what to do. How do you cope and live? I just do unhealthy behaviours and I have nearly killed myself twice now unintentionally just wanting it to stop so it needs to change. I'd really appreciate anything, I am desperate.
"What if I fall?" "Oh my darling, what if you fly?
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and that people have not believed you! I have been in the same position with being told that I "imagined" someone hurting me, and for years it lead me to believe what everyone said about me being weak and unable to handle tiny things. I have trouble coping with the memories, too, especially coming to accept that I was not imagining it. Have you mentioned this to your medical team? I'm sure they can help with some of it if you are open with them about what is going on and how you feel, even if you can't say it out loud, maybe type/write it out and let them read it if it's easier? How are you feeling now?
I have read both of your replies, I am sorry for what you both have been through and I appreciate the kindness in your replies.
I have tried to talk to my MH team but I cannot speak the truth because of the role of my main abuser they say they will have an obligation to report it, effectively shutting me up. This was November when I was getting dreams and some memories and ready to talk. I just can't trust them, I think about going private where I can talk freely but I can't afford it at this moment in time.
I am getting drained by it all, it's exhausting and I want to move my self hatred like you did Disa, did that help? I've been advised to write letters to each person but I cannot seem to do it. It seems easier to Wallow in my own self hatred but I don't want to anymore, it's breaking me. Everyone says "be compassionate to yourself" but I find it so hard and when I do say something to myself I don't even believe it.
I feel the cervical exam has traumatised me in a very different way only in the fact of the way it felt and made me remember. I know it was a medical procedure and my Gp was lovely and I had no issues in that moment, I know there was no sexual connotations at all. But every time my mind intrudes it into the present I feel like I could shout and sometime I whimper or cry out as a constraint unintentionally. It really has disturbed me and the memories, I think it was touch sensation which made me remember that woman, but also the fear. I didn't show much but it was awful and my mum has said that I made sure it was alright and tried to keep it tight under control but couldn't in the end once it was done.
It's ridiculous and I am completely irritated with myself that it's upset me so much. I know because my rapes and abuse was my only sexual expedience that it was bound to happen. Everyone saying, "every woman hates it" but they not every woman gets feelings of terror when they remember it. I just hate how I feel.
I want to cope, as my mum says it was ten years ago, but to me it may as well have been yesterday having only just got all my memories back. I am writing it out it's my only way to rationalise it, I want to stop my habits I've developed of subservience and compliance, I want to be assertive.
Sorry another long post, I'll stop there
"What if I fall?" "Oh my darling, what if you fly?
You're so welcome, Puck. If my experience can help someone else deal with theirs then I'm glad I could share. The time span makes no difference - it happened and it continues to affect us - sometimes when we least expect it too.
Did shifting my self-hatred work? It didn't and never will cure the memories and pain but it has left me with the peace of knowing it wasn't my fault. I never knew what it was like to have a proper 'first time' with a man and I never knew how to conduct a relationship properly. However, after I had a total hysterectomy there came a waiting period before sex could be resumed and that was the closest I ever came to a first time - not knowing what it was going to be like after my big op. I hope that wasn't too much information? I just want others to know there can be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lovely hubby who knows all there is to know and believes in me so I have been lucky there.
However, sexual abuse damages you and the scars run deep and lasting. Some people, I have learned, will turn their backs on you but that's their prerogative. I've had poor relationships with people - often pushing them away if they get too close. I've heard and read comments from people saying that those who are abused go on to abuse. What an awful label! I wouldn't do that and I'm sure you wouldn't either. Like everyone else in society we just want to be loved and valued for being who we are.
Puck, you be kind to yourself when you can. Is there any way you can face your abuser with someone trusted that knows your situation well and will support you? Your MH team shouldn't have shut you up. Your abuser was in a position of trust and should not have done that to you so if you want to report it you should do so without fear of recrimination.
I'm here should you want to talk. xx
Thank you for you honest Disa, you've been helpful beyond words. I want to try and shift some of the blame, I know they did it to me, I didn't choose or consent for that to happen and yet I still blame myself. It's eating me up though, and I've done some real damage these past few months mentally and physically. And I just want to be angry at my perpetrators.
I understand what you mean by pushing people away, I have no connections in my area. I am on a degree course where I have known people for two years and I have let them in, I did try to push them away but they persisted and proved I could trust them. I was Open with them as they see my scars, I am training in traditional acupuncture so we practice finding the points where you put the needles on each other. I don't know how I will explain the recent damage, but I'm hoping to avoid it until September at least. It's one kindness to myself to let me have these friends. I choose what I share though and I feel if I saw them all the time, not once or twice a month it would change, this way it is safe.
I am glad you found your husband and I understand that you feel the first time was taken away from you. It gives me hope I'll be able to cope with a relationship. I haven't had one since the time it happened 10years ago but I feel I would like to try but I do not know where to start with that. I hope one day I will have a man and learn to love properly.
I could not inflict this pain on anyone else, I hate that phrase too, that because we've been abused we do the same.. I think that often it's a self fulfilling prophecy because they have not been shown worth and had that only expectation of them. It makes me sad when it is repeated but I know for sure I could not do what happened to me to someone else.
I have thought of reporting, I've got names, but something stops me. I cannot prove anything. They'll say it's historical that nothing can be done due to lack of evidence. I would like to really put dirt into them then maybe I'll have less shame. That I actually fought back. But it's something I'm processing and thinking through, I do not know what way it will go.
I really appreciate your replies, thank you x
"What if I fall?" "Oh my darling, what if you fly?