**possible trigger warning** healthy weight loss gone wrong?
where to begin? I guess at the start,
when I was a teenager I had anorexia, I managed to 'recover', whatever that means, I never really had a healthy relationship with food, but I maintained a healthy weight and a healthy diet.
in my late teens/early 20's though this changed and I begin severely overeating, and although I was never diagnosed with anything like binge eating disorder or overeating disorder, I was considered morbidly obese, and 2 years ago at only 26 years old, considered pre diabetic due to my weight and poor diet.
I went on a radical health makeover, I saw a dietician, my gp, a nutritionist, my therapist, a personal trainer, and as a team we worked and worked on plans to get me healthy but without engaging my old eating disorder.
and so here I sit, a result of all that hard work, back in my 'healthy weight rage' but if they only knew. I stopped seeing the dietician and nutritionist months and months ago, content that I had this under my belt now.
and yet I don't, I am so scared every single day of my head and what my eating disorder voice tells me, what to do, what not to do, people tell me I look tiny now, and I know I am now a healthy weight, but I can't see it. to my head, I am still that obese girl who started on this journey all that time ago, to me I will never be good enough.
I don't want to end up where I used to be, I don't want to be back full circle, but I don't know how to stop this myself anymore, and I don't know how to tell the people who can stop it what is happening, because that part of my head still exists that doesn't want it to stop, oh the confusion, the hatred, the hurt it causes. it is exhausting, it is sapping me of everything I have to try and get through every day and I don't know how to make it switch off.
I thought I was free of this, and now I don't know if I ever will be? and that terrifies me, I work, I study, I have a life I never imagined I could have through years of illness, and I can't go back there, but how, how, how do I stop it.
sorry this has become such a rant, thank you for listening, xx Gem.