Positive recovery post - In need of some motivation (kinda long sorry)

butterfly1222 · 21-04-2012, 12:08 AM

I have used self-harm for about 4 years now with the first 3 and a half or so being through running. Yes this may not seem like self-harm but I would purposely push myself through pain from running(normally with multiple injuries) in order to cope with stress and emotional problems etc. I wouldn't always do it when I would run but I found myself doing it more and more. This was easier to handle once I realized what I was really doing because you can't always run because of many reasons. I stopped running for pain around August of 2011 and I was proud of myself for awhile...

One day while I was going through some emotional pain I accidentally nicked myself while I was shaving and found that it helped, I couldn't explain why it helped it just did. So the next time I purposely nicked myself and this time not only did it help but I felt in control of myself something that I don't always feel with the life I live. This began a cycle of cutting except I started cutting with razor blades after that. It went on for almost a month before one night I panicked and told 2 of my friends (who both have cut before) and they both immediately wanted me to stop. Well I tried but didn't even make it 24hrs before I SIed again. Less than a week later we had to watch a movie on suicide and cutting (which needless to say didn't go over so well considering my past) and that night while I was vulnerable I told someone that for 6 months would be key to me being clean that I cut. I don't remember their reaction either except they wanted me to stop also. So became this pressure to stop cutting myself... so I did and was clean for almost 6 months but caved when things in a relationship (who was also my main support system) started going south. A few weeks later this relationship ended and so did pretty much all of my support. With the ending of this relationship I had some pretty negative thoughts about myself but was able to push through them with the help of another friend. Yesterday I caved again, after a little over a month clean, cutting myself multiple places. I've only told one person about it because I am so ashamed of myself...

I'm sorry that that was so long but I felt as if I needed to share my story so that I could get some advice on trying to stop again only this time because I want to.

butterfly1222 · 21-04-2012, 12:40 AM

Sorry I am new here and didn't realize that me clicking the positive recovery post would make it stand out because it isn't really.
I'm sorry

lilmissjay · 21-04-2012, 03:43 AM

Hey, I think it's great that you're wanting to stop! I can understand how difficult of a process it can be, but it definitely is worth it in the end. Would you mind explaining a bit about the things that has caused you to turn to harming or did it only have to do with the relationship? Also, what has helped you to stop the other times? You could try those things again along with working towards telling your parents so that you can hopefully get the help you truly need. This site may be helpful, also > http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ead.php?t=1403 I hope things start to look up for you soon. Take care :)

butterfly1222 · 22-04-2012, 07:22 PM

I have never stopped having urges to harm but I was able to talk to someone, normally my ex, and kinda talk through it if that makes sense. Now with the end of the relationship I don't have that "support system" and the feelings have just continued if not gotten worse. I feel alone, worthless, among other things.
As far as my parents go I'm afraid to tell them because when they found out the first time they said it was ok as long as I didn't do it again.

PassedExpectations · 22-04-2012, 08:56 PM

maybe you can tell your parents that you don't want to harm again, but will need their help at times to avoid it.

do you have other friends that you could talk to? also, i find it helpful to "talk myself through it" by opening a word document and writing out all my thoughts, and responding to them how i would respond to someone on here. i try and have both sides of the conversation, if that makes any sense.

remember that feeling something doesn't make it true. feeling alone and worthless are bad enough on their own, don't take those feelings as facts and tell yourself that you really are alone and worthless, because you aren't.

butterfly1222 · 22-04-2012, 10:40 PM

I do have other friends to talk to and I try to talk to them but they don't respond back to me which just makes things worse in my head. People also don't understand that sometimes if I text them or call them yes it may be random stuff in their head but for me its keeping me from SHing and keeping my mind on other things. I have tried to explain that to people before and they don't understand it. I also have a problem with feeling like a burden to people because of what I have been through and that in the past people just leave me because I'm too much to handle.
Sorry I'm going on and on...

As far as my parents go it won't matter to them that I'm trying to stop again it will just matter that I SHed again. Plus they are part of the problem because of what they say and how they act with me. My father a few weeks ago said that if he had a choice he wouldn't want to have a teenage daughter knowing that I've dealt with depression and being suicidal before. I want to get help but I'm too afraid to go through my parents.

sbhasty · 22-04-2012, 10:59 PM

Hey! Ive tried some interesting things to quit. I am a burner, so what I have done is take a piece of paper and burn it instead of myself. It takes the urge to burn and puts it somewhere it wont hurt me. I know that this is just a step, but by taking a razor to a paper or a red marker with anger, you would be surprised how much that helps without hurting yourself, and don't forget when you have that urge and you resist you get something, a reward. Mine is always a new song or book! You can do this, if you need help email me or skype me. We love you, and encourage you!