Hurting. Close to the end.

[MCR-Soldier]

This is probably going to be really long because I just feel as though my head is going to explode to this is just going to be a rush of me getting everything gone before I lose my cool...ok I lost it ages ago but i don't want to have another outburst.

So many things are happening...the longterm empty feeling, exam prep, exams, sorting out things like year books and leavers hoodies, prom, maintaining a social life, spending time with my sisters, trying to keep the family running smoothly (sometimes my mum struggles so i have to step in), leaving school knowing I'm the only one not going to uni and probably some smaller things that i can't think of right now

So as you can see a lot of things are happening, and as always I keep them inside, so today, my mum did the slightest thing wrong, and I just went into a deeper bad mood, cutting myself out from reality and staying quiet...this lead to my mum going off in a rant and making it all about her, I put on my shoes and said I was going for a walk, but she wouldn't let me, which lead to an argument, in the end she asked "do you really hate us that much?", in my rage i answered "yes, i can't wait to leave you all behind"....her reaction was to throw the door open and to tell me to just go...well i say tell...she screamed it at me...so off i went.

I called a mate in tears and he came and found me and we hung out for a bit, he made me smile, he's the only person who can genuinely make me happy...thats yet another problem, I like him, but he has a girlfriend, and anyway, he would never feel the same way about me...

I know this is nowhere near as severe as some of the things that have happened to other people who are strong and just get on with it...which makes me feel even weaker and useless. I just don't know what to do anymore, I want to end it all so I can get rid of all the pressure in my head, I've tried before and been close but unfortunately got found out and taken to hospital...I know this is the only thing I can succeed at....

I'm sorry guys I just don't know what else to do.
I don't even know what I'm asking for here....some love? someone who cares? I don't know :(

Sorry this is so long x


(Typing this through my phones 3G by the way) xx

[PassedExpectations]

you are strong. strong doesn't mean that there is no struggle. strong doesn't mean that you never give in. strong means that there is a struggle, and you do get knocked down sometimes, but that you stand back up and keep going. or, even just crawl and stagger back up. and the only way to really get over things is to go through them.

are you feeling any better after writing this?

[Ailsa]

I care - sending love your way.

I'm sorry that sometimes life sucks :( If you'd like to insult it I can pass messages on - we have that kind of privileged relationship.

Big hugs,

Ailsa xxx

[happiness...its all a lie]

hugs

Im sorry things are so hard right now. I hope they improve. I know i dont know you but your super brave for writing that down and have strength to say it so use that strength to keep fighting xxx

[MCR-Soldier]

Thank you guys so much for your support x I barely know anyone here but I love you guys, I don't know what i'd do without these forums xx