I can feel pain for friends when they are distressed or when bad things happen to them. I feel it deep inside & want to heal them. I can find kind things to say, make them feel better, even just a little sometimes. But I feel connected to their pain & am able to reflect & be constructive about it.
I read about people on here. I get angry & upset about the things that have happened to them. I want to rush to their side & tell them its ok, I want to help them rid themselves of the darkness & mess inside & let them see they are special, beautiful and worthy of so much.
I know I am at home on this site; Things did happen to me. I relate to my situation all those years ago (years of childhood emotional abuse) but now, here & now, I cant make myself see it was THAT bad. I sometimes deny that it really even matters, I deny that I matter & wonder why I dont just get on with life. Why am I making such a fuss? Why am I so pathetic over this?
I can cry for my friend's pain.
But I cant cry for mine.
I want to cry, I want to open up & really let it out & feel for myself. Realise these terrible things damaged me. I have to get it out.... and I am trying to release it & feel it again to get rid of it. But it keeps disappearing deep inside me & wont come out. I keep going back to feeling I'm just making a fuss over nothing & that my family who I am avoiding are ok & I should just get back in touch, cave in & go back to "normal".
I totally am the same way. I haven't cried for myself in years, yet if I'm watching videos on youtube of other people talking about their self-harm, I sometimes just start bawling my eyes out for them. I don't know why, but I just can't cry for myself either.
I can understand how you're feeling; for years I was unable to cry for myself - I could cry at films or for other people or for news stories...but not for me.
I think that in a way helped me. Watching films that made me cry and listening to sad stories helped me connect with some form of pain and after a while I found I could connect with mine as well.
Do you have any professional help to try to process the feelings you're struggling with? I don't think you're in any way alone in feeling this way.
Take care,
Courtney xxxxx
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thanks Courtney, I know what you mean about Watching films that made you cry/listening to sad stories & how that helped you connect. Actually joining this site's been helpful to me. I noticed how angry i was getting when I read other people's posts about how badly they've been treated. Suddenly I was relating much more closely to how I was feeling about my experiences in the past too. I realised that it was no wonder I'd struggled to get things out of my system.I do have a counsellor - in fact I told her I'd registered on here. She asked me if it made me feel validated - to which I answered "yes". I was worried to begin with that reading other people stories would upset me & make me worse but it's had the opposite effect.I still have doubts about whether I'm just fussing over nothing & how really I wasnt treated that badly, but then I come on here & remind myself that these things did happen to me & if they "werent that bad" I wouldnt still be bothered by them a lifetime later.I'm realising you're so right that I'm definitely not alone in feeling this way.
Finally I some progress ...... the enormity of what happened in my childhood is starting to emerge. As I peel back the layers built for protection, I release so much pain and unhappiness. It hurts, it really hurts.
Delving around in the darkness of my past. Closing my eyes & allowing memories and feelings to surface. Sometimes they are random. Sometimes more fixed if I focus on a particular event that I can recall. At times, with startling ease something just pops into my mind. Days later another piece of the jigsaw that is my mind, slips into place. Another realisation is made.
My emotions raw. Humiliated and deeply hurt by my past, by my family. Finally some tears. Tears of anger, tears of rage. A rage so strong I fear it threatens to destroy me. Despite everything I know, it is hard not to turn the anger against myself. But I must stay strong. I must stay strong. And to cry, to grieve and to feel the terrible loss that was to have been my childhood. Fun, freedom and innocence stolen away by my family. Family? They weren't "family" to me. They were destructive. They were my destroyers.
True "family" to me is where you can live in a loving and close environment nurtured and cared for but able to flourish as individuals. Where you are appreciated for your worth, feeling free to be your true self without judgement. Everyone taking appropriate responsibility for their actions whilst supporting, loving & encouraging each other to live life to the full. True togetherness. This is not how it felt for me.
As I begin to connect with the frightened little girl deep inside me, under my protective layers, I feel her desperate need for attention. The loneliness she feels, the fear. She yearns for her mother's true love. To be held in loving arms while she cries for all those wrongs inflicted on her by so called "family".
As her anger rises, she is growing into a beautiful woman. A woman of courage with a brave but fragile heart. I am that woman. I sometimes feel courage. For a moment. Just a moment before the little girl cries out for help inside me again. The little girl is growing stronger. Soon she will smile. She will laugh, have fun and be free.
Honey, you are already a beautiful woman. You have been through so much, and survived. You have been deprived of a lot of what children should have from their parents, but you are getting through.
Tend to the little girl inside you. Let her feel, let her draw on the walls, let your past self do what your parents prohibited. There IS a hurt little girl inside, but she can heal, and so can you. You will both smile, laugh, have fun and be free.
If you ever want to talk, PM me, please. I think I might be able to help, but if not, I can at least listen.
Take care hun
Katie xxx
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
Thank you Katie for your lovely post. I am now reaching a point where I am beginning to cry for myself, to feel it was ME this happened to.
I am determined to rid myself of my brother's presence in my mind and the deep hurt of the past.
That little girl is in there, I even talked about her to my counsellor today.
She tells me that it's that little girl who has been guiding me to make good, healthy decisions for myself in life. She has even comforted me and lead me to dream of better things, I owe her lots that frightened little girl. I've never lost hope of recovering her.
She's coming out soon I am sure of it, just when I have finally ridded myself of the ghosts of my past. 2 abusers, I have made my peace with one and the other is no longer alive so it is up to me to deal with him now. He'll be gone soon, I know he will.
So yes I will Tend to the little girl inside me. She is beginning to feel more free to explore. I like the idea of letting my past self do what my parents prohibited. I like being with my little nieces as they strongly remind me of myself at their age.
Thanku for the offer of doing a PM, I might just take u up on that some time.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm unable to read through all the words as I'm tired and am finding it hard to concentrate at the moment, but I just want to let you know that this is completely understandable and I can relate to it in many ways. I've often had to sit at a desperately sad movie in order to try and induce some form of tears. I think it's a process that takes both hard work and time, but by the sounds of it you're perfectly willing to allow that to happen. It's all about the healing process, coming to terms with what has happened and learning how to utilize these new feelings and emotions, and how to express them in constructive ways.
When I saw my counseller last week, she mentioned 'nurturing my inner child' and how she was going to help me do that because of my essentially 'lost child hood' (for use of a better statement). Any advise/techniques she gives me on doing this, I'm willing to share. You're lovely around these boards and always give such well thought out responses to those who are struggling. Equally you deserve all the support in the World. Rather than wanting to be the nurturing parent towards others who you care for, perhaps try to internalize that in a way, and take care of your own wounds for a while. They will heal, and you will come to terms with it not just for others but for yourself, it will just take time. But you'll get there. I have faith in you that you will.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
