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Old 26-09-2017, 07:38 PM   #201
one_step_closer
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I have left the loft as it is, I'm ok with it during the day but keep waking up at night terrified that something is happening. My CPN said I seem to be coping with it ok just now but to let someone know if things get worse. I think I need to make an effort to receive communication from the men to find out what's going on but I can't focus very well.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-09-2017, 08:25 PM   #202
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It’s good that you’ve been talking to your cpn. Keep posting here too. I wish I could reassure you about what’s going on but maybe you can talk more to your cpn.





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Old 27-09-2017, 10:43 AM   #203
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I got a lot of support from reading these forums before I actually joined last week. I read this and could not reply. You have helped so many other people out on these forums and when I read the professionals had put in your notes you were cold and manipulative I actually laughed! I know I don't know you but I have read for a long time many threads on here and you have responded to people who are desperate- you have done that in a loving and kind way- no manipulation. I don't know what to say but I think it would be good if you could write the equivalent of a diagnosis of bpd from your point of view! Explain exactly what it is like. I also use a charity called rethink they offer an advocacy service who can speak on your behalf. They won't really be able to do that in a crisis but they can put your ahole of a psychiatrist in order. Who the hell do these people think they are. Grrr. Big hugs �� x

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Old 27-09-2017, 12:53 PM   #204
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Thank you both. I really appreciate what you are saying discodevilx, I don't think I'm a cold person and I'm glad that at least some other people can see that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-09-2017, 01:37 PM   #205
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I think many people can see you are not cold. I agree completely with what discodevilx says.

How are you feeling today?





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Old 27-09-2017, 08:23 PM   #206
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Thanks. I think I'm feeling a bit lonely but struggling to find the right level of company that I can cope with. I can cope with short periods of support from professionals but I need them to happen more than once a fortnight or even more than once a week. I feel like I shouldn't be needing so much support because I am an adult and everyone else has to take care of themselves. I'm not seeing my CPN next week because I'll be seeing my psychiatrist for a very quick chat and from then on I will be having support from my CPN fortnightly. As for social company I find it hard to be with people for longer than about 3 hours and I'm having to spend most of the day with one of my friends on Friday. I'm really missing my psychologist. I don't know how to get by on my own although I seem to be doing mostly ok.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-09-2017, 12:18 AM   #207
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I know what you mean. I get lonely, but also get overwhelmed when I’m socialising too. It’s a difficult one.

There is nothing wrong with needing support. Many adults need it. I have the support of my psych and OT, but that doesn’t make me less of an adult, just someone who is struggling and needs help. Everyone needs help at some point.





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Old 28-09-2017, 12:46 AM   #208
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I think everyone needs support especially when we feel unwell. I make no distinction between a broken leg or a breakdown. Once a fortnight is inadequate help as it would be for someone's whose legs are broken. My mental health is more demanding than a broken leg sometimes and I think we would all accept physical injury needs care well same with mental illness and health. It's the stigma attached to it but you need support now and are deserving of it. Try not to feel like you should not have the help. You should. Do chat forums or rooms work where you can leave when you have had enough?

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Old 28-09-2017, 12:14 PM   #209
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Thank you both. When I was seeing an OT she used to think I just wanted people to take care of me and couldn't understand why I felt like I needed so much support as I am an adult and should look after myself. I think that's partly why I feel like I don't deserve support because I have explicitly been told that I shouldn't need it. Plus my brother doesn't have any support. I ended up in hospital a lot last year and this year because my previous CPN kept cancelling appointments etc and said there was no clinical need to see me even once a fortnight. Even my neighbour recognises that I was doing better when I had more support. The support I have now is much better than it was with my previous CPN anyway and I am hugely grateful for that.

I don't like chat rooms but I do like being on these forums, it's easier for me to express things and support people through writing than it is face to face. I just struggle to get the right balance of face to face contact.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-09-2017, 12:58 PM   #210
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I would like to think those days of judgement are over but clearly they're not and I have experienced them myself. I like to think it's a dying breed of people and I also partly think it is because Services are so stretched to the limits. That is no excuse either and its disgusting. However there may be some advocacy services that can help when you are not happy have you thought of using one of those when you are not happy with the treatment and services x

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Old 28-09-2017, 09:50 PM   #211
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Advocacy has been suggested to me many times but I'm so worried about how I might be judged by the people involved in my treatment. I'm convinced if I was to use advocacy my treatment team would think I was ungrateful for their support and that I was demanding something more than I deserve. My treatment team has changed a lot over the past year and I'm definitely happier with the people involved now, so I'm holding on to the fact that I know it could be worse. Not that it's really bad as it is anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-09-2017, 12:14 AM   #212
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I totally understand what you are saying but advocacy will not do anything without your consent. Even if you meet with them without commitment? It's maybe a possibility? X

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Old 04-10-2017, 05:20 PM   #213
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I'd feel like I'd have to tell people involved in my treatment that I was seeing an advocate and then they'd have lots more reasons to judge me negatively. The support I'm getting is ok at the minute anyway.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday and I really don't know what I'm going to say to him. I'm particularly worried that he won't believe me if I say things are difficult because right after my appointment I'll be going to the gym with a support assistant so he'll maybe say that if I can do that everything must be ok. I also don't know what to say about hospital, if he mentions it, I've only had one planned admission so I'm still unsure about when I should really go into hospital. I keep changing my mind about if I will say I think I need to go in or not (if I'm asked, I'm not going to suggest it if he doesn't mention it). I don't know what's for the best. I'm sick of trying to get through this meaningless life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-10-2017, 08:27 PM   #214
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Why don’t you try writing it down first? Plan out what you want to say, or maybe go over your posts here and take note.

Just because you go to the gym does not mean you are ok. I’m unfit to work at the moment, but I’m going to the cinema tomorrow. It doesn’t mean I’m ok. Going to the gym is something that can be therapeutic and it’s important you do these things. It doesn’t mean you are ok.

I hope your appointment goes well. Good luck.





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Old 05-10-2017, 12:06 PM   #215
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Thanks. I'm planning to try and write something but that's another thing I keep changing my mind about. I don't know what it's important for my psychiatrist to know. Life is just going to get worse, I can't see anything that could change for the better. I miss my psychologist.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-10-2017, 06:52 PM   #216
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I can't write anything. I have nothing to say. My CPN wanted me to talk to my psychiatrist about the men in the loft and said she'd mention it to him before my appointment but there's no point in saying anything because for one I don't think the men have a great deal to do with my mental health problems and I'm sure that no one can hurt me physically except myself so I'm not too anxious about them being in the loft as long as I don't see them. I'm just going to have to hope the questions he asks allow me to explain things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-10-2017, 12:34 AM   #217
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I don’t have any useful advice, but I hope your appointment goes well and you get the support you need. Take care.





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Old 08-10-2017, 04:23 PM   #218
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How did it go?



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 08-10-2017, 05:37 PM   #219
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Thanks for asking. My psychiatrist was a bit patronising as he always is but not as much as usual. He's pleased with how I'm doing. He said that getting out of bed every morning is not really an achievement which I 100% get where he is coming from but it was quite disheartening because I compare the things I do to the things 'normal' people do anyway. With the hospital issue all he said was something like it's there in a crisis but only for a few days. It's just hard for me to know when to go in because if I don't go in during the early stages of a crisis and end up admitted due to an overdose or suicide attempt I will be right in the thick of the distress and it's likely that I will still only be allowed a few days in hospital and may then still be very unsafe when I'm discharged. My psychologist helped me to realise the last time I went in that it was a good time to try it but I don't see him any more and my CPN seems to be quite a bit against admission if I'm not in a huge distressed state. I'm ok at home for now anyway. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but don't know what I'll say.

Sorry for the huge update!





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-10-2017, 11:49 PM   #220
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I'm glad your psychiatrist was somewhat less patronising than usual! I find psychiatrists as a breed do tend to be quite patronising and tend to lack a sense of humour for some reason, so it's good that he's improving! I completely disagree with what he said about getting out of bed not being an achievement, it absolutely is. When you're struggling with your mental health, doing that can be such a massive effort, and you should be proud of yourself for managing it.

It might be worth discussing the hospital thing with your CPN and trying to come up with a guide for yourself and your team about when hospital should be considered (like, if x and y are happening then you should think about going in). Hopefully you can put your point across about going in before things get too bad.

How are you feeling now?



"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."


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