Hello everyone. It's me whining again. I apologize in advance.
My best friend is moving away to another country in a couple of months and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. It is made worse by the fact I only found out about it by accident, when one of my friend's students metioned it in front of me and my friend was forced to explain himself later. Apparently, he either didn't plan to tell me until the last moment, or at all. He had already been to the country in question for the last three weeks, looking for job and housing opportunities. You know, those three weeks when I was calling him every day and trying to reach him via every form of communication and getting no response. He was also supposed to get in touch with me for unrelated reasons like a day into his trip, but oh well, he forgot. The whole situation makes me think he isn't really interested in keeping in touch with me after he moves away.
Without him, I have no support system and not much of a social life. My family is dysfunctional and my relationship with my mother is limited to calling each other on birthdays and on Christmas, and I have no contact with the rest of the family. I also only have one more person I could call a friend, but he isn't a "call for help when you're suicidal" kind of a friend, he is a "call to go out for beer and chips" kind of a friend, if you know what I mean. A couple more casual acquaintances (I am sure I somehow misspelled this, apologies), and that's it, that's my entire social circle. Even since two years ago my friend group disintegrated after a very traumatic incident with a person I called my best friend at the time, I tried to make some new social connections, with very little success. I find myself unable to feel any genuine connection to others, and socializing with anyone except for a couple of my friends makes me feel even more lonely, because I am forced to constantly put on a fake persona, otherwise all social interactions come to a screeching halt. It doesn't help that I spent the entire two years on a low level of functioning due to mental health problems in general, repeatedly sectioned, with no potential for improvement in sight. At this point making new genuine frienships with anyone feels impossible.
I don't know how to cope with this. I am not too bad at being alone. But this is...I don't know...too alone, even for me.
I'm sorry for making it so long. Shame on me. Thanks for reading.
It sounds like there are two connected issues here. The loss of your friend and a general lack of support
Do you think you could talk to your friend about how hurt you feel about their move? It must have been so difficult to find out the way you did. Good friendships can survive the distance but you need to be on the same page.
It must be hard having limited people to lean on, especially when it is family that arent there. Do you have any hobbies or are there any hobbies you would like to take up? They can be good places to meet like minded people. Making friends as grownups can be difficult sometimes we have to start engineering situations where you might meet people... I know this is easier said than done.
Thank you for a reply. I appreciate it. Also, everyone who bothered to read and leave a hug - thank you, I appreciate that too.
I don't really have any hobbies and I haven't in a while, probably since I got back into self-harm and my mental health began to go downhill around 2015. The concept of getting a hobby feels overwhelming. I can hardly find energy and motivation to get through my job and daily chores. I know it would help me get a social life, or at least give me a chance to try, but I can't really think of anything I could do. And I am too emotionally shaken up for a hobby at the moment.
I did talk to my friend. It wasn't good at all. He pretty much confirmed he couldn't care less about my feelings. I tried to explain that I'm upset about him leaving because we were friends for 10 years and he is my only real friend, and I'm going to miss him and I wish he told me about it beforehand. His only response was "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you? You aren't supposed to know anything. This is none of your business". But that's not all. When I explained that I am going to find it hard to keep working without him because we were working together and were sort of a team since day one, he told me I don't need to worry, because he is currently going out of his way to get our workplace shut down before he leaves. Because he is really mad at the management, and hates most people at work. I asked him what about the people that did absolutely nothing to wrong him that are all going to lose their jobs, and his response was "I am too angry, I've been hurt one too many times, nothing you say is going to change my mind". At this point I just wrapped up a conversation and left, shocked and numb.
I feel like I already lost him, and I feel betrayed. I know he's been angry for a long time and has a pretty sour relationship with most people at work, although if I'd be 100% honest, most of the time he was the one to stir up his endless conflicts with everyone. I guess I should've seen this coming, because his behaviour was growing increasingly more agressive, uncaring and bitter for quite a while. But throughout all of this, I was trying my absolute best to support him in any way I can, to stand up for him and always take his side. And now he is willing to mess up my entire life as a collateral damage to get back at people that hurt him. Even if his plan doesn't work out, I don't think our friendship is going to survive this. And I don't even want to think about his plan working out, because that would not only leave me with no support system, but also no means of survival.
I am wrecked. I am making suicide plans. Can't cope with this.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Your friend sounds like he is only focusing on himself at the moment. Do you think he might respond differently if you wrote him a letter, since he could re-read it and reflect on it? I know that doesn't change the bigger situation though. My friend moved to another country and I've missed her but managed to get on with things, we text and have met up once this year.
What kind of professional support, if any, do you have? I am terrible at social contact but I go to a gym group with a support worker and that has helped me make some connections. I met my friend who moved away during a walking event with an OT. Would you feel able to do some supported group activities?
I know all of this feels so huge right now but please try and stop making suicide plans. That's not the answer. You are hurting so much but I believe you can get through this. Keep posting if it helps. Take care.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Jinxie, you are making perfect sense, thank you for your kind and wise words.
one_step_closer, a letter is actually a great idea. Back in the day, in the early days of our friendship, we used to exchange emails whenever either of us would come up with an important topic to talk about. It would be easier to explain myself this way without other people barging in/calling in the middle of the conversation, like it repeatedly happened already, and without worrying about breaking the weird secrecy my friend is creating around the whole thing. I'm a little worried my email will only make him annoyed, but if things will get really sour, I might try it, and maybe it will work.
I do receive professional support, but, as I learned from these forums, when it comes to professional support options are very limited where I live, compared to, say, UK. I have a psychiatrist assigned to me that is also somewhat like my care coordinator. I am currently not in therapy, and am not planning to enroll in it anytime soon, because I tend to just get dropped by state-funded therapists on the basis of being "non-cooperative", and I don't have the funds for private therapy. I am not entitled to receive help from a social worker as long as I have living relatives capable of supporting me, regardless of whether they are willing to support me or not, and there are no other services that visit mental health patients outside of the hospital and/or help them with their daily life where I live. So I can't really rely on that.
In terms of connecting to other people through hobbies, I am somewhat limited physically, so I can't do sports, camping or anything that relies on physical activity. And even my old interests like engineering and creative writing are largely solitary activities. I never really participated in any kind of group activities. Except for imbibing ungodly amounts of alcohol - now that I think about it, that's how I bonded with every single friend I ever had. Wow, I am such a role model.
I know I can survive this. In fact, my ability to survive everything including accidents, ilnesses and suicide attempts suggest I must've been bitten by a radioactive cockroach as a baby. It's just that surviving takes effort, and I'm struggling to find any motivation to put that effort in instead of taking the easy way out, as my quality of life keeps declining.
Anyway, thank you for your replies. Now I feel better, and even entertained a thought of just going to the bar and getting drunk next time I feel like killing myself. I probably wouldn't do it, though, because going to a bar can only get me screwed, literally or figuratively.
Jinxie, I used to write all sort of things. Fanfiction, poetry, short stories, novels (I never finished a novel though). But it was all trash. I posted some stuff online, and the harsh criticizm I received discouraged me from posting it online and, eventually, from writing at all.
As for engineering, when Arduino home automation systems were brand new and kits were expensive, I used to make my own circuit boards, basically out of trash. Then I did a lot of soldering, coding and then ran around excited like an idiot because after a two months work I can turn off the lights in my room with my smartphone if I plug the lights into the really ugly thingie I made. It didn't last for a long time, though. I couldn't be trusted to have chemicals and a soldering iron in my place and my friend insisted I give them away. I kept coding for a while, but eventually lost interest in the whole thing.
one_step_closer, I'm not sure about writing groups. We used to have one, but it no one there was over 21. If I join it would be creepy. I also don't think there are any mental health charities around.
I feel like the whole thing with giving up on life has already happened. Like, I gave up on life about 2 years ago, I just continue to exist.
I know the feeling of just existing, I'm sorry that's where you feel you've been for the past couple of years. It is possible to feel like you're living again, I'm sure, but I know it can be hard to find a way to reach that place. There is a website called meetup that has groups on it, it might be worth a look if your area is included on there.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Thank you for the reply. I appreciate the offer of help. It matters.
I actually did write the letter and sent it, because I was on a verge of taking my life. It really helped, both with expressing my feelings at the moment, and also I got a reply, and me and my friend were able to talk things out a bit. He didn't seem as angry as he did at first, and we were able to have a constructive dialog, and he told me he still cares about me, even though he can't promise he'll keep in touch.
I'd really appreciate a friendly advice on letting go of someone who is a very significant part of your life without crashing and burning. I really don't know how to go about it in a non-self-destructive way. Although, I understand that possibly there is nothing that I can do other than accept that I will have to get used to feeling empty and lonely most of the time, and just try distractions and other safery measures when I feel a really strong SH or suicide urge.