I'm really glad your coworker was supportive of you when you were upset and I hope he will continue to be supportive. I understand that socialisation can be uncomfortable and it's hard when you feel like you don't enjoy things and have no interests. I don't think social contact and friendship can be forced, really, a lot of the time it's just 'fate' (can't think of an appropriate word) of what you're doing and who you come into contact with etc. Is it important to you that you build more connections and do so quickly?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I completely agree about the "fate" part. For me making friends is down to meeting a person you just "click" with, it's not an action you can take whenever you want to.
You asked me a very, very interesting question that made me ponder for a while. Is it important to me to make new connections quickly? I guess it's just something every person I went to for advice and every article on the Internet suggested. Miss someone? Go to your friends for support. Don't have friends? Go out there and make new friends. I think while it is important to me to build at least some new connections and to have at least one person I can talk to face to face and hug, I am in no hurry to do so. I am not scared of being alone for a while, it's nothing new to me and I cope with it rather well. I am just scared of being alone forever, or at least for a period of time that would feel like forever, say, over 10 years, and those fears are based on having little faith in being able to form new connections ever again.
A couple of years ago I experienced a traumatic situation involving another friend I was incredibly attached to, and it had a massive impact on my lifestyle and beliefs. Basically, before the situation, I had a belief it's easier for me to make friends with males because I have a male-dominated profession, and rather "ungirly" nerdy interests and preferences, and also because guys are often more direct about their thoughts and desires and it makes it easier for me as a person on a spectrum. After the situation I concluded I was a complete moron, no one wants to be my friend because I'm unlikeable and that's why I had zero female friends in my lifetime, and men only talk to me because they misinterpret my friendliness as being easy like Sunday morning. Naturally, I stopped going out, became a lot less open and insta-friendly to new people, and generally lost hope to ever make any new friends. After a while I was able to accept it with a little bit of sadness, and be content that I at least have one true friend. And then he left and now I feel totally alone.
But I am not in a rush to make new friends. If anything, I think I need a little bit of time to process what happened before I can meet new people without being overly needy with them or talking off their ears about how sad I feel. I just wish I had someone to talk to about everything that is going on, but this site and all the incredible people that support me in this thread are more than enough, thank you very much!
It must be really hard not to have people you can confide in face to face, and I'm so sorry you don't have that. I'm glad you find it helpful here though. I hope that you can allow yourself to process things and don't push yourself to do things that society deems you 'should' be doing. It sounds like you've had a difficult time with friendships and I can understand why your confidence would have suffered a blow. I don't think that means you will never again form a new connection. I wish I had a suggestion about who could support you face to face. You have distant professional support, am I getting that right? Is there no way you could contact someone involved in your treatment? Sorry if I'm forgetting things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's okay! I do have professional support, I have a psychiatrist that deals with my medication and general treatment plans and also talks to me about my life to some level, but I feel like contacting him specifically to talk about my life events and how they make me sad would be a bit too much. I am currently not in therapy and had a poor experience with therapy in general, so I am unlikely to talk to a therapist anytime soon. I could seek out private counselling, but that would be costly and difficult in terms of amount of time it might require.
Why do you think contacting your psychiatrist about how you're feeling would be too much? It might be worth a go just to mention it and see if anything additional can be done for you, if you think you do need some additional support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think he would know if I'm not coping and need additional support, although I might have a wrong attitude.
I think I might request to increase my medication. I know it will turn me into a zombie and have side effects, but maybe I wouldn't feel anything that way.
How would he know if you weren't coping if you aren't communicating with him about how things are right now? Talking about meds might be something you could do, but feeling nothing is sometimes worse and then you'll just have all this stuff building up to be dealt with all at once. There might be meds/other things that could help though if you have a chat with your psych.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You're right, telling him would be a sensible thing and will make things easier.
I am just worried my psychiatrist will ask me something along the lines of "so what do you think might help?" - and I honestly have no idea, other than increasing the meds.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself at the moment. I don't think you are a terrible person or have to be in hell but I can understand how overwhelming feelings like that can be.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I thought hurting myself might be a punishment and that it might actually make me less terrible. But now that I did it, I think that only hell will work. And I hurt myself a lot. I don't know whether I am supposed to go to a hospital. I want to do what's right. I don't think I am supposed to be helped by doctors.
I think you are supposed to be helped if you need help, you are a human and you are worth a lot. You aren't a terrible person and most definitely don't belong in hell. Do you think you could consider talking to your psychiatrist?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
