i've been dealing with an ed on and off for about 15 years now. last year i was diagnosed with arthritis in my left hip. part of my ed involves exercising to extremes and recently it's gotten worse. my right hip/back has been hurting for about a month. last thursday it started hurting really, really bad. yet that didn't stop me from going to the gym. i'm scared that if i don't go to the gym and push myself as hard as i can, then i'm going to gain weight. the pain has been pushing me to tears everyday. i had x-rays taken last week. i was supposed to go see my doctor this thursday but i moved the appointment to tomorrow because i can't deal with this pain. the pain pills he prescribed me aren't helping at all and the only way i can really sleep is if i combine them with alcohol or other pills. i told my therapist today about how much pain i have been in and how i still helped my sister and brother-in-law move into their new house. she said i obviously couldn't have been in that much pain otherwise i wouldn't have helped out. that kind of pissed me off. i have a pretty high pain tolerance. (i did gymnastics and tumbled with a torn acl for two years before having surgery.) i know how to push myself past normal limits. and i know that that can be a bad thing. i can feel my body falling apart, screaming at me to stop and take it easy, but i can't. i'm scared about what the doctor is going to say tomorrow. in a way i want something to be wrong, then i can have a name a reason as to why i feel so bad. it feels like someone is stabbing me in my back and it causes my legs to get all tingly sometimes. i'm also scared that the x-ray won't show anything and i'll have no validation. does that make sense? for the longest time i've wanted my eating disorder to kill me so that i wouldn't have to and that so people wouldn't say i committed suicide but that i died from anorexia. but i'm in so much pain now that i don't care anymore. if i were to end up paralyzed i don't know what i would do. i don't think i could live like that. but i'm more scared of recovery than dying. i am so scared of what i'm going to find out tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to come back on here and let you know how everything goes and not be stuck in the hospital somewhere
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thanks for listening...