Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - will they ever forgive me... did i abuse them? *TRIG*
before i start i should point out i have trouble remembering things from around this time, so im filling in the blanks as best i can. i freaking hate supressed memory, i know its there but i just cant get to it.
ok this is a little differant... i wasnt abused. well, i was, but that isnt what this is about. when i was a child, about 10 or 11 i think, i cant remember. i played certain 'games' with my younger brother and sister, at the times if i was 10 they were 4 or 5 and 2 or 3 respectivly. im a girl by the way. i never did anything too bad, but we would take off out clothes and i might get them to touch me or something, and id rub against them sometimes. i dont think it ever progressed more than that.
id had nightmares and visions and daydreams of being raped since i was 9 years old, i dont know/remember why. but because of that i was a rather sexual kid and i honestly didnt know what i was doing was wrong in any way at the time. i eventually began to realise maybe i shouldnt be doing this, i stopped. as i got older i realised what i did to them and one of my boldest memories of that time was me being sick to my stomach every day, thinking of what i did, scared i had hurt them permenantly and scared our parents would find out. eventually i learnt to live with it but i still feel like vomiting just typing this. ive since been through alot myself, and know how sexual things can hurt a child. im now 16, my brother almost 10 and sister 8.
i guess what im asking is, was this abuse or just kids playing around? i never forced them or anything, and i didnt know better myself... god i wish i had, i regret it all...
my other, more important question is... if they remember, and they dont seem to right now but i also know about supressed memory, will they ever forgive me when they get older? what i did wasnt too bad really, will it affect them in the future? is there anything i can do to make up for my mistakes? i hate myself for it, i will never entirely accept or respect myself because of it.
post negative comments flaming me if you like, i deserve it. some of you have been the victims of similar, though in most cases worse, things. i just want to know honestly. its been bugging at me again recently, after me being able to forget and ignore it for quite awile. i guess i needed to make a statement admitting what i did for myself as well...
i dont know if this makes sence, i cant bear to re-read it now...
I thought i'd give you a reply as no one else has yet, and you're obviously very distressed about this situation.
All I can say is that young children often play 'doctors and nurses' with their siblings/friends, in hindsight you'd probably see it as wrong, but at the time it's simply exploring your sexuality.
I went through a time when I was concerned about things that happened when I was younger, but i found out my ex girlfriend was similar with her younger sisters and she was scared that there was something wrong with her, but i really do think it's just a part of growing up =]
Hope that reassured you slightly
I think the biggest issue with this is the age gap. Like beautyfiend said it's very common for children to do things like this out of curiosity. This would also be diffferent if you knew what you were doing. Maybe when your siblings get a little older you could mention something of it to them to see how they feel about it. As long as you know it wasn't right and would never do that again, I think it'll be okay. And if your brother and sister have troubles with it in the future they can be helped and with your attitude towards it I'm sure they would forgive you. *hugs*
not sure if what i wanna say will make sense or even if i'm right...as above posts kids often play games like this exploring each other etc, im sorta thinking your brother and sister probably wont remember and if they dont then there is no need for you to bring it up, they will be ok, even if they do remember i dont think it will effect them as much as sexual abuse from an adult would...
you mentioned that you had been abused..if it was going on around the same time as you were playing these games with your bro and sis i would say that you were just acting out what was being done to you, im only guessing cause you didnt mention what had happened to you, you may have repressed most if not all of it.
well i hope you start feeling a little better about yourself, also to let you know that i was the victim of extreme abuse, and no part of your post made me angry towards you, you are not an abuser or horrible person, you too are a victim hun
hope i managed to make a bit of sense
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
Thank you all so much, particuarly bloodletting, for your replies.
Maybe what I did isn't so strange and wrong after all... I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself, but your replies have certainly helped me feel better about myself, that I'm not alone, and I'm not quite so strange. I don't feel quite so sick anymore... Thank you..
bloodletting asked about abuse to me, well I had some things happen later on in life, after this stuff stopped and I knew it was wrong, which made my perspective on it all worse. I also know something happened to me as a kid because of various things I do remember, but what happened I just cant work out, its lost with the rest of my lost memories. Maybe its why I did this, maybe it isn't. One day I hope to remember...
I wish I could use my real ID and not hide behind this fake one, but I'm not brave enough to do that, even though no one has been nasty about what I did.
your very welcome hun, glad some of us helped a little.
i hope one day you will be able to forgive yourself entirely for the past, but i think in order to do that you're gonna have to work out what was going on for you at that time. no one wants to remember being abused, but the fact that you are talking about it maybe means you're ready to remember. maybe give counselling a try, and work on recovering some of your lost memories, and it would give you a chance to talk through the guilt you have around your brother and sister. i think this would be good for you.
and sweetie dont be scared to show the real you, you're a good person with a good heart.
good luck hun and remember dont be so hard on yourself
here to talk anytime you need
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
Maybe what I did isn't so strange and wrong after all... I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.
I'm not sure you have anything to forgive yourself for?
It's perfectly natural for kids to explore each others bodies, and I understand when you're abused in later life you can start to analyse every little thing that has ever happened that could possibly be considered 'abuse'.
I went through that a little while ago, infact one of the girls I used to play 'doctors and nurses' with brought it up and we joked about it.
I think you need to put it in the past, as i'm very sure your siblings wont think anything of it.
hun i dont think you honestly have anything to worry about, like the others have said before, it's just like a game of doctors + nurses.
I was also abused and i neither found any of your post made me angry or anything.
You are not an abuser, hunny, you were just a young child wanted to explore the bodies of others. Its perfectly natural. x x x
I have to thank you for making this post.
Because I was sexually abused myself, and was kinda rough when playing with my brother.
I hate remembering it, but it all ties in together.
Just to let you know you're not alone.
I've taken so long replying, because I've been debating wether to post with my real account or not. I've decided I don't have anything to be ashamed of, at least not here. I'm Regret, and thank you all so much for this. For the first time ever I'm thinking about this, and while I still feel a little guilty I don't feel sick, my neck isnt heating up and im not getting upset. You all have no idea how much better you've made me feel. Thank you, so so much. I never realised how common this is, and that it could be considered innocent kids exploring.