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Old 10-10-2019, 08:40 PM   #1
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Difficult time of year

I always find this time of year quite tricky. I'm not sure why. I think it's because of the light changing and also because I've often been quite unwell at this time of year, and I think it's probably linked with some bad times in my childhood.

I'm not sure what I want from this thread, maybe just a safe space, wondering what other people have found helpful when they anticipate things being challenging, or of anyone can relate?

I'm trying to think of things to make it easier. I'm being consistent with my medication, which is probably the most important thing. I'm working on a crisis plan with my therapist, which is nearly finished, so I'm hoping that will be of use.

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Old 11-10-2019, 02:38 PM   #2
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It sounds like you have some good ideas there. Do you think the anticipation of things possibly becoming difficult might be feeding into things? Maybe if you could find a way to not worry about it so much then you would be less likely to get unwell, I know that must be hard though and wouldn't fully prevent things from becoming difficult. Are there things that have helped in the past?

Can you make your home a nice, safe, welcoming place with lots of light if the changes in natural light affects you?

Keep working with your therapist and keep posting here if it's useful. I hope you can find ways to manage things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-10-2019, 06:06 PM   #3
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Thank you.

I'm not sure if it's feeding into things but it probably doesn't help. I can try and do more yoga and mindfulness to try and reduce the anxiety, and talk to my therapist about what's going on. I've started writing letters to her as I'm not always that articulate face to face.

Making my home cosy sounds like a nice activity to try. Especially with lighting as at the moment it's kind of 'full beam or just fairy lights' kind of thing! No in-between. I'm trying grounding exercises as I find myself dissociating on an evening sometimes, but I tend to find that I am fairly oriented to the present already, it's just that the present doesn't seem safe.

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Old 11-10-2019, 06:31 PM   #4
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I don't know if this a silly suggestion or not, but could you plan some things for this time of year that you would look forward to?

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Old 11-10-2019, 09:30 PM   #5
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Thank you, not a silly suggestion at all, a lovely one in fact. I will definitely have a think about things I could do.

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Old 12-10-2019, 12:12 PM   #6
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There are lots of Autumn self care ideas online, there are some here (link) if any are useful for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-10-2019, 12:33 PM   #7
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Thank you Lindsay xx

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Old 24-10-2019, 03:00 PM   #8
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How are you doing? It's ok if you don't want to share.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-10-2019, 06:20 PM   #9
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Thank you for asking Lindsay, it's very thoughtful of you xx

I'm struggling, though it's difficult to explain why. It feels like more of a battle in my head than usual. Therapy is encouraging me to think about things differently than I have before, which is good but also very challenging as it kind of upturns what I've thought about a lot of things for many years. Can feel destabilising. Voices in my head, different parts of self, whatever all that means... it's just hard, muddy, confusing.

I'm trying to keep going, though I find myself intermittently thinking destructive thoughts and ultimately thoughts around suicide. Sometimes I feel closer to it and other times, much further away. I'm trying to carry on with things to try and build my confidence or at least distract, though evenings can be more difficult to navigate.

It's hard to find the words to explain properly which I think is partly what makes it feel harder than usual at the moment. I can't really express or recognise how I'm feeling either, which can leave me feeling like all I can do is act because I don't know how to communicate, but acting on thoughts would just make things worse too.

Sorry to go on, thanks again for asking.

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Old 24-10-2019, 06:56 PM   #10
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I hear your struggle, sometimes there don't seem to be words to explain things. I can understand that therapy can bring up lots of challenges that can be so hard in the moment but hopefully will be worth it in the long run. I hope you can focus on that. It sounds like you're trying so hard. Are there safe actions that could express how you might be feeling, if you can't communicate things through words? I'm sorry that you're having to do so much fighting and I hope that things start to ease for you asap. Please keep posting here if you need to.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 09:26 PM   #11
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Thank you, that's so kind of you. I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm using art a lot to try and express things, and sometimes listening to music helps. I can also try and write at times, if I can find words. Sometimes meditation helps me to discover and sort through, but I fear it sometimes, afraid of being flooded.

I am grateful to be reminded that I can use a space here. I will try to do so.

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Old 29-10-2019, 05:02 PM   #12
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Have you ever tried mindful journalling? That can be a way of exploring things without all the blank space of meditation that can sometimes be filled with difficult stuff. It's good that you have some techniques you're trying to use, keep doing them if they help.

We are here to support you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-10-2019, 12:51 PM   #13
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Thank you, I really appreciate that. I've never tried mindful journalling, but it's something I could try. I'll look it up.

There's so much pain and shame at the moment. My parents are loving and kind, which can make it feel very hard to be angry with them or feel grief about their actions. It's very tangled up and I get upset a lot. I feel like they will never understand the impact of certain things and that's lonely.

I have a lot of amnesia for my childhood but I think things leak out anyway and god, it's so dark here.

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Old 31-10-2019, 03:35 PM   #14
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I can understand the mixed up feelings when good people do not so good things. I'm sorry you feel so alone with some things to do with your parents, your feelings are valid and important. It must be so hard to be in such a dark place and have things from childhood coming at you from the shadows. Does anything soothe you? Do you speak to your therapist about all these things and do you feel at least a bit understood if so?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-10-2019, 07:02 PM   #15
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Thank you for being so compassionate and understanding. I haven't seen my therapist in a couple of weeks but it feels like much longer at this time. Also, the last three out of four sessions we've had students as well, who are lovely, but I think it does affect the way I'm able to talk. I'm going to ask my therapist if we can have a break from students for a while.

I'm really scared that talking about my trauma is going to get me punished and that people are coming for me. It's part scary and I know it's probably illogical.

Feeling pretty dissociated at this time, this time of year with the clocks changing and everything being so dark is hard for me. I've been furiously knitting to help soothe me, and I've made some aromatherapy products and I'm going to start some postcard designs soon. I'm hoping to start an Etsy shop next month if I have the money for supplies but we'll see. It's something to keep me going at the moment.

I've sorted my lighting out in my living room, which I'm sure you suggested further up my thread, and I've got a really nice scented candle and I've had a good hoover and dust :)

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Old 31-10-2019, 07:26 PM   #16
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In between therapy can seem like a lifetime at times, especially when you're struggling. Asking for a break from the students sounds like a really good idea, you've allowed the students some time to learn but the most important thing is what you get out of therapy.

That does sound really scary to feel like you will be punished for talking about your trauma. I think I can understand that feeling of someone coming for you since you have kept so much inside and it will feel huge and scary enough inside of you. Trauma is of course scary as it is so maybe a lot of your fears are tangled up with the feelings you have about the original trauma. Even if you recognise your beliefs are illogical it doesn't stop those feelings from being true for you. I hope you can work through them. Have you ever told your therapist why you worry about talking about your trauma? That could be a start if you haven't already, maybe your therapist could help to ease your initial fears of talking about things.

You're doing lots to try and look after yourself, that's brilliant. I hope you do manage to start an Etsy shop as that would be a good focus and a way to share your obvious talents.

You are really doing amazingly, well done for all the work you're putting in. I wish something simple could make things easier for you but keep doing what you're doing and hopefully you'll figure out other things that work for you too.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-11-2019, 10:41 PM   #17
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Thank you Lindsay. I am very grateful. I will reply properly soon.

I'm playing Russian Roulette with my life. I know this is in the 'red zone' on my crisis plan and I should be calling the crisis team. I feel fraudulent, though. I don't feel in crisis. I don't feel distressed. I don't know what I feel. Numb? I know that despite the feelings (or lack of) the behaviours are not good.

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Old 06-11-2019, 06:25 PM   #18
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Numb is still a crisis type feeling though, especially if you're doing risky things while feeling numb. I often try to explain to people that emptiness/numbness somehow can feel more painful than actual emotions. Please follow your crisis plan, it's there for times like this. You're not a fraud and you definitely deserve help whatever feelings or lack of feelings are around.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2019, 06:51 PM   #19
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Thank you. What you say makes a lot of sense. It's been a hard day. Managed to go to yoga but even that hasn't helped. Feeling pretty unsafe so going to try the crisis team when my partner goes to bed.

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Old 08-11-2019, 01:53 AM   #20
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How are you now? Were you able to stay safe? Thinking of you.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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