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Old 09-11-2019, 07:53 PM   #1841
one_step_closer
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This is all wrong. I need to be doing something. Don't know what, don't know what, don't know what. Just something risky. I have a cat sitting on my lap at the moment but I might move him if it becomes important to wander. The light is weird and the sounds are weird and there is screaming in the corners. Something is wrong and I need to fix it. I'm sorry for not fixing things properly.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-11-2019, 06:46 PM   #1842
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I don't know how to stop the followers from screaming in the corners. They are trying to tell me that something is wrong but that's too broad and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I wish I could talk this through with someone but yet again I can't make a phone call. Crisis were supposed to come and see me today to review my phone plan but no one showed up. I really need a person.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-11-2019, 09:10 PM   #1843
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Is there anyone who could phone crisis on your behalf to see why they did not come?



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 11-11-2019, 11:28 AM   #1844
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I could email but my key worker is coming to do a review on Wednesday so I'll probably just mention it to her then. I'm anxious about seeing her, it's my first review with her as my key worker.

In bed last night I thought about saving up my meds to overdose but I did take them normally today. I pick up my prescription daily so it would take ages to save them up. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing about anything, about the distress of the followers.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-11-2019, 07:20 PM   #1845
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This is going to sound like an intense suggestion and may or may not be practical right now, but have you ever considered a graded exposure programme for using the phone? I did one for using public transport years ago, and it was hard but it worked a treat. It might not work for this but it might be worth suggesting to your CPN or keyworker if it's something you think might be helpful.

Well done on taking your medication properly, especially as you are having difficult thoughts around it. That's very brave.

Can you talk more about the followers and what they need or would that not feel helpful?

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Old 11-11-2019, 08:33 PM   #1846
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My previous key worker who now only works on crisis at the weekend did say she could put a plan in place so I would phone a certain number of times or they would phone me or whatever. I just said no because I was too anxious but I should maybe try and arrange something with them. If I can arrange it for when someone I know I can talk to is on crisis then it might be a bit easier although I'm comfortable with my previous key worker but I've still phoned and hung up on her. I will try and mention a crisis plan with my new key worker on Wednesday if we have time.

I don't really know much about the followers or how to help them. They are the men's followers and when they get distressed they scream in the corners. I have a corner protector that I carry around with me all the time in the back of my phone that is supposed to help with the screaming but it doesn't always and a lot of the time I don't even think to take it out of my phone and use it. The followers never properly communicate, just scream. Helping them would probably involve some kind of risky thing but I'm terrible at risky things now, I really do feel like the part of my brain that successfully does risky things is damaged/paralysed. Even when I manage to do something it's not enough. Like I should be saving up my meds to overdose but something in my brain isn't letting that happen. I hate it. I hope to find a way to override it. I need to be safe enough this week though because I'm seeing my brother at the end of the week. Then I need to get on with sorting things out.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-11-2019, 02:20 PM   #1847
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That sounds really scary and I'm not surprised you find it distressing. I wonder if they, and you, need kindness and compassion rather than pain. You've been through so much pain as it is.

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Old 12-11-2019, 03:09 PM   #1848
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I am far too kind to myself. The followers definitely deserve some kindness, as does the rest of this world and the other world if there are people there other than the men but, me, no. I have been too safe for too long, it's not right.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-11-2019, 05:42 PM   #1849
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I'm really panicky, I'm not sure exactly why but it's probably a combination of really stupid things. I have to take the cats to the vet this evening and I'm worried about phoning for a taxi and then being in the taxi and then I don't know if I should ask the taxi if they will wait and take me home. I also had contact with three people in a short space of time today when I was walking home. Only very brief contact - one person had a conversation with me and then I walked a bit further and the postman waved to me then when he turned the corner another lady was close to me and just said hi but it all felt like too much interaction and I was very glad to get home. It would have been less than 5 minutes in total of interaction. I'm never going to be able to have a normal adult life. I'm so anxious and I'm worried about my brother because he is anxious too and has to face up to things on a daily basis. I kind of feel like just giving up on everything and hiding away but I do need to get my cats to the vet, that's important.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-11-2019, 08:15 PM   #1850
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I failed to convey my distress to my CPN yet again. I had written about the other world stuff - the followers and the wandering and stuff, and about being extra anxious and pacing lots, thoughts of ODing, wanting to self harm better, etc. She didn't really seem concerned about anything she just told me not to OD and checked her computer to see if I had an appointment with cardiology.

I didn't make it to the gym group after my appointment with my CPN despite the worker planning to meet me 15 minutes before so we could walk there together. I can't do an appointment and then the group and that is kind of pathetic since people who work do one thing after another and on and on. My next appointment with my CPN isn't on the same day as the group though as I did tell her it makes me less likely to be able to go. The worker said that people should always be coming to the gym group unless they have an appointment or something, like it's a job and there is no choice. That is scary.

I'm afraid of what the future might hold. When my key worker was doing my review she asked if I had hope for things changing, as part of the questionnaire, and I said no. But I don't even want things to change. Change will only make things worse. People want me and them to do things to make my life easier and more fulfilling but right now this is as good as things can be, while I'm not under huge pressure. Anything else will be pressure and will make things worse. I can't be a normal adult. I have to kill myself if people expect more from me.

My brother is having a hard time. Life is one huge worry and full of emotional pain.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-11-2019, 06:29 PM   #1851
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I need to overdose. It won't get out of my head and it could be a way to calm the followers. I don't have anything I can use right now anyway and I won't be going out in the dark so I'm fine tonight. I don't want the horrible effects of overdosing or having to bother getting help but I'm not sure what the alternative is. Plus my CPN said my abnormal ECG could be because of past overdoses and that is kind of worrying. I don't want to just not do anything though. I don't know what to do.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-11-2019, 07:19 PM   #1852
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Are there any things you could do which might be helpful which don't involve harming yourself? How would hurting yourself make the followers quieter? It sounds like a really difficult place to be. It's good to remember the negative effects that overdosing could have, something I find helpful when I'm trying not to self harm. I understand it can leave you feeling very trapped though, and that's difficult to sit with. Do you think it might be worth contacting someone to share these thoughts, even if it wouldn't necessarily take them away? It might help you feel less alone. I know phone calls are tricky, could you do the web chat thing? Sending love.

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Old 17-11-2019, 08:40 PM   #1853
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I have no idea what is helpful other than doing something harmful. I want to do harmful things too but really stupidly I get put off by the whole maybe needing to get treatment/come to the attention of someone. I'm tired and can't be doing with all that. But doing harmful things is important and I should be pushing myself. I am failing the men, the followers, and people in general. I'm just going to have to get on with risky things somehow but there's not much I can do tonight anyway. I wish I could easily speak to someone but the getting support thing is exhausting too, if I start a conversation with someone I usually just want to end it. I must be so lazy. I'm sick of myself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-11-2019, 07:01 PM   #1854
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I want to stop battling through every day. I want to die quickly and easily. I hate being trapped here. Things are bound to get much, much worse.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-11-2019, 04:41 PM   #1855
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I am unsure what to say but I have read and I care. If there is the possibility of things getting worse, is there not also the possibility of things getting better?



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 22-11-2019, 01:59 PM   #1856
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Thanks for your reply.

I don't think things can get better, I genuinely believe the way things are now is as good as it can get. I have no huge external pressure and the future can only hold pressure such as being told to get a job or having something unexpectedly traumatic happen. I'm just about managing with the way things are at the moment and I really can't imagine how I'd cope with additional stuff but the future is all about change and additional stuff. There really is no better.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-11-2019, 03:08 PM   #1857
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I am pointless, I am worthless. I am using up resources. I want someone to hear me and that is bad, I want someone to know how suicidal I am and how much I want to self destruct even though I don't do risky things much any more. I am in emotional agony and it's all my fault. When are my mind and body going to allow me to properly hurt myself or take risks? This stillness is not right.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-11-2019, 03:15 PM   #1858
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Why is it bad that you want someone to know how much pain you're in? It doesn't sound like an unfair thing to want. You're absolutely not worthless xx

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Old 23-11-2019, 06:17 PM   #1859
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It's bad for me to be heard, to be acknowledged and understood. I don't deserve it. I can't have as much understanding now anyway since EUPD changing with age has made me mute. People only hear risky behaviours, my words mean nothing even though the feelings behind them are the same as when I was doing more risky things.

I can't keep myself occupied and it's distressing me. I keep hitting my head and making stupid noises. I want to cut but know it won't be good enough. I don't know what I can add to my life to occupy me because there's so much I don't feel able to do and I'm not interested in much. I have too much of a strict routine meaning I won't allow myself to go out in the evening. Even walking to the supermarket would be an ok way to pass time in the evening if I would allow myself. But that's a morning activity and then I'll worry about not having any reason to go out first thing in the morning and I need to be going out asap. I know I could do some shopping and leave some for the morning though. I worry that if I go out in the evening it will further mess up my sleep. Also it's dark and the men can be about and it makes me feel like I'm wandering rather than having a purpose for being out which makes me feel sad and alone and needing someone but not able to reach out.

I wish I was able to phone the informal crisis team. No one has reviewed my phone plan since they didn't turn up when they were supposed to maybe 3 weeks ago. It was because the worker who was going to come was off and she didn't pass the message on and I think she's forgotten about reviewing the plan now. There's no point in me phoning or talking to people face to face anyway, I can't express things enough and there's nothing that anyone can do for me. This is all just hugely hopeless.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-11-2019, 06:33 PM   #1860
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You spend so much time hearing and responding to other people so that definitely means you deserve to be heard yourself.

That's so awful that no one followed up with the review...

Wish I had something to suggest for your evenings. From what you've said though, I think going out in the evenings doesn't sound like a good idea. Are there several small things you could do that only take a small amount of time and concentration?

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