got rid of my tools

finding-my-haven · 07-10-2018, 04:27 AM

this isn't a positive recovery post because i'm freaking out. I'm 1357 days self-harm free, i should be over this by now. but i still want to hurt myself every freaking day. there's a student support person at my school who has helped me a lot over the last 3 years. so tonight, i gave her a little canvas that i painted that said "we all need someone who helps us be better than we know how" and i gave her a little box that's covered in about 100 layers of duct tape and explained how it was my self harm tools that i've kept with me all the time for the last 7 years because i don't need it anymore and that was all well and find when i said it, but i'm freaking the **** out now and kind of regretting all of it because i'm panicking since i've always had it and i don't know what to do and now i want to cut really badly

Pi.R^2 · 07-10-2018, 09:23 PM

Hey, well done. It may not feel like a positive recovery post but I think the fact that you're scared but you did it anyway makes it extra positive!

I know it's a big step and a big difference, but technically you've not needed those tools for 1357 days now. I bet that first day of not self harming felt insurmountable, yet here you are with 1357 days of resisting those urges under your belt. The hardest part of getting rid of your tools is over now, you've done it. It's going to feel scary and horrible for a bit but then it's going to get easier. Hang on in there.

I know it's been a little while since you posted and I'm guessing you've been asleep since then, so how are you feeling today?

finding-my-haven · 10-10-2018, 10:16 PM

My head has been everywhere. I feel too vulnerable since I don't have them with me anymore. And of course life has gotten very very stressful since then, so it increases the urge anymore, but I can't tell anyone because it could result in me getting sent to the hospital. I just want to hurt myself so bad

Pi.R^2 · 14-10-2018, 11:48 AM

I’m sorry things have gotten so stressful. When you’ve talked to people, such as the support person at your school, have they sent you to the hospital before? I’m just wondering why you feel like that’s going to happen.