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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
I am currently:  
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Triggering (SI/OD) - Falling...fallen
Miserable
Angry
Annoyed
Sad
Cant stand to be around people
Just want to be on my own, curled up in bed
I cant face talking to people, smiling at people
I cant do it
I just wish...that even for only a day, I could not think about hurting myself, not think about ways to kill myself, ways to hurt myself, not wake up completely exhausted.
I wish i could sleep, not take hours to get to sleep
Im sick of staring at the ceiling trying to get to sleep
And when I finally do get to sleep, I have nightmares about people I care about dying, or abandoning me, or about war and destruction, causing people I love to die, bombs and tornados, I hate it, dreams of being alone, of being left, of people dying, of war, of tornados and hurricanes
I wake up after in few hours in a cold sweat.
Every night it is the same.
Every night.
And every morning I wake up exhausted, even more exhausted than when I went to sleep
I cant do it much longer
I cant
Im tired
Im sick of feeling anxious, unbearably anxious
So sad, so miserable
Upset
Sick of wanting to hurt myself
Im sick off feeling this way
So tired of having to be 'OK'
After the way I hurt my parents after I took an OD, after all the times Ive had to go to A&E for stitches
How much I hurt my family, my friends
I cant hurt them anymore, I have to be OK, But Im falling again
Im on the edge, and I cant hold on much longer
Im sick of drinking, just to feel nothing, just to be numb to everything, Im sick of taking lots of paracetamol just so i dont drink
I have cut in a month but its getting so hard again
Im sick and Im tired
Again
Over 3 months since the OD, since the suicide attempt, and the last time I needed stitches
And I cant hold on much longer, I cant keep fighting this
Its too hard
I had counselling for a few months, but then they wanted to refer me to someone else, who then wanted to refer me, and i never got anywhere. its so hard for me to tell the truth, tell them everything, and the last time I did, i told the doctor at the hospital who was doing my psych evaluation after needing stitches, I told him everything, i told him I couldnt trust myself not to kill myself, cos that was all I wanted...and he just said ok and sent me home. Why do i bother putting myself through talking about how I feel. Why do I even bother?
I havent taken my meds in over a week, I just couldnt be bothered I guess, Im going to start taking them again, and I really need to tell my doctors things are getting bad again, he doesnt know about the drinking and ODing, only about the suicide attepmt and all the times Ive needed stitches
Im tired of keeping myself alive, of trying not to cut, not to drink, I have over a hundred fluoxetine tablets, left from when I changed meds, and its so tiring trying to stop myself from taking them all
Im tired of everything
Again
Things havent changed
They never will
Im falling
Help
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