Contains sexual abuse - letter to my abusers wife

[babii.blu.eyes.]

i have not sent this letter, i have not even decided if i SHOULD send it, but if ya'll could read it, let me know if its fair, or wrong what i have written, maybe give me some support in making the choice of whether to send it or not.
thanks.
xxox.



Denise,
You probably don’t know this, but I turned 21 a month and a half ago. A huge achievement for me, yet as huge it was, it was tainted by the fact that I had to spend my 21st birthday in a psychiatric unit. This isn’t the first birthday I’ve spent there, or the first Easter. Mom even refers to the hospital now as my home away from home because I spend up to 3 months at a time there. In August I’m headed to Sydney for another hospital program up there for 3 weeks. A program designed specifically for survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, another 3 weeks taken out of my year, another 3 weeks I feel has been stolen from me.
I never finished high school, I repeated year 10 three times, but despite my efforts I still didn’t manage to finish year 12, because I missed too much of my classes when I was in the hospital. I tried to do my nursing course. I got into a TAFE and started the course last year, but I missed 13 weeks of classes when I was in hospital and had to defer. I used to have a job, 3 jobs actually, trying to spend all my time working to block everything out, but I lost all 3 in the fires when our town was burned down. I got another job where we moved to, after I had to drop out of school. I did 2 shifts there and then was in hospital again so missed a lot of work, and when I got back I had so many panic attacks in one night that I spent the next day begging mom to let me skip my shift. I went to work though, and during a panic attack I was trying to control I slipped in the kitchen and got stabbed through my hand. Had to have stitches and a tetanus injection at the hospital. I never went back to work after that, I haven’t worked for almost 2 years now. I get my income from the Disability Support Pension, I did try and get work late last year/early this year, but no one would hire me because of the limited amount of hours I could work, and the fact my arms are destroyed with scars that I have to cover up. The scars are from self harm, I don’t know if you would know about self harm, but it’s when a person deliberately harms themselves in ways such as cutting themselves or burning themselves. I have had hundreds of stitches and am about to see a plastic surgeon for reconstructions of scars on both arms, I don’t have much feeling in my arms from cutting nerves, they tingle all the time and some parts just have no feeling. People stare, I don’t like it, but at the same time I put up with it because my scars are part of me, they are part of my story.
I see a psychiatrist once a week when I’m out of hospital, I see her every day when I’m in there. I also go to group therapy 2 days a week for 6 sessions, and see a psychologist once a week too. I have to take medication to keep stable, I’ve tried coming off my meds and I normally end up quite unstable or attempting suicide again, and back in hospital, so I have to take it. Antipsychotics, Antidepressants, Mood Stabilisers, Tranquilisers for sleep, not the norm for a 21 year old I guess, but I’ve been on this much medication since I was 15. When I was younger I had an eating disorder, I was never as sick as some people get, but it wasn’t good, I still struggle with it, but now I struggle with binge eating instead of anorexia. When I was 15 I got myself into drugs and alcohol, it was awful, and I was still considered an alcoholic last year, but I’m really trying not to drink now.
I moved out of home into the city the end of last year, but in the 7 months I lived out of home I was in a psych ward for 3 months and I spent most of my nights in the emergency room waiting for stitches or being treated for an overdose of medication. So my psychiatrist decided while I was in hospital this last time that I should move back home, but I’m moving into supported accommodation soon, that’s where you live in a house with other people with mental illness and it’s staffed all the time with social workers and councillors and psychologists and occupational therapists and so on, so you have constant support. I would be living there as well as doing my therapy during the weeks.

So to sum the last 10 years of my life up, I have been a mess basically, my life feels controlled and ruined and taken over by all of this, but it wasn’t until late in this past hospital admission that I realised what I was really letting control my life was my past, and that is how I come to be writing this letter to you. I need closure, I need assurance of some type, I need to know the truth, and I need YOU to know the truth.
When I was 16 or 17 my parents told me that Noel had died. I spent days, weeks on end crying, crying myself to sleep, bursting into tears at random moments, angry at life and angry at myself mostly. I have to tell you that it wasn’t because I was sad he died, it was because I felt freed, I felt safe, but I also knew deep down that any chance of closure had died with him. Contacting you like this feels like my last grasp at any closure.
Most of my childhood has giant black spots where I don’t remember things, up until about age 8. I have bits and pieces of memory before that, but nothing nice, nothing much nice about what I remember from 8 onwards either. From what I can piece together, things went bad when I was about 5, because that was when your husband started sexually abusing me. I never told anyone, I never spoke out, because I didn’t know it was wrong, but I have this memory from when I was 8, lying in bed at night sobbing because he told me he was doing it because he loved me, and I thought to myself that night, if this is what love is, then love hurts, love feels bad, love is scary, and I resolved that I would never let anyone close enough to love me, so I couldn’t get hurt, and I never have.
I couldn’t wait to move when I found out we were going to Queensland back in 2000 because I was getting away, but I wasn’t really away from it, ever, especially when we came back to visit. The last time I remember visiting was when I was 14 or 15 and we took a picture in your living room and as someone was taking the picture I was standing next to Noel with his hand holding my ass. At first I started starving myself because I thought I could control my feelings by controlling my food, I started cutting myself because I wanted to hurt myself and punish myself and get rid of the bad blood in me, and then later it turned to suicidal intentions too. After that I started binge eating because I thought by making myself fat I was therefore making myself disgusting and that no one would ever want to touch me if I was fat and disgusting and I was cutting myself for all the same reasons but also because I didn’t know how else to express how much pain I was in.
Most teenagers, on average that is, lose their virginity around age 16. I lost mine when I was 8, but my innocence began being stolen from me when I was 5. I have believed for the majority of my life now that I was to blame, that I did something to bring it on, that I asked for it. Then I came to the conclusion that if what he did was wrong and bad, that I must be bad, bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people, so I must have been, must still be, bad to the very core of my being.
I’m not going to tell you more, or give you details, that’s not fair, or right, but I need you to know the truth, and I need to have told you this. I am not sending this letter to hurt you, or to spite anyone, I am doing this for my mental wellbeing, for my journey of recovery. I am doing this because by speaking out and finally acknowledging what happened I am transforming myself from a victim, letting this control me, to a survivor, trying my hardest to control it.
I have been unsure of sending this letter or even writing it for quite some time because in my eyes there are 3 outcomes. You can tell me I’m a liar and deny anything ever happened. You can tell me you had no idea that anything happened. Or worst of all, you can tell me you knew and you didn’t, or couldn’t, do anything to stop it. But what you do from here is your choice and out of my control completely.
I have only one thing to ask of you, I am coming to Tasmania in November and for the last step in the process for me, I would like to visit you, visit the house. I will respect it if you say no, I will respect it if you hate me for this whole letter because I know as painful as it is for me to write this and live with this, its going to be just as hard for you to hear it and even acknowledge its truth. But please think, please consider it, please listen to what I have said because after a lifetime of silence, I am breaking the pattern, I am speaking out about the unspeakable, I am taking charge of my life, and I am trying to stop blaming myself for something that was never my fault.

If you can, or are willing, please feel free and welcome to reply to this, let me know your thoughts or feelings, your words and to be as open as I have tried to be with you. Please tell me if I can come visit in November, please try and listen to everything I have had to say, please help me in the only way I know how to ask you for help.

Take care.
Anna Hart.

[Lizzie87]

that's a very brave letter and i think you wrote it well. i'm sorry for the pain you have been thru.
i think you need to consider how you will feel though if her response is not what you want (which it probably won't be)....will you be able to handle her denying everything? there is a good chance she will deny all this because she will be wanting to support her husband who she loved. will you be able to handle that? if not it might not be wise to send this letter until you know for a fact that you'll be able to handle whatever response she has.
my only other suggestion is to maybe not talk so much about the self harm because i noticed that it takes up most of the content of your letter, and it may make her lose interest before she gets to the main point of the letter. i think it's important to mention it...because she needs to know the damage her husband's abuse has done to you...but maybe cut that part down a bit cuz it's pretty repetitive.
other than that i think it's excellently written. you've done well to put the blame entirely on her husband since you do not yet know whether she had any involvement. over all a very heart felt letter.
so yeah my only advice is to make sure you can handle whatever response she may have before you send it.
xx

[BridgesAndBalloons]

I'm so sorry you had to endure that, and that you're having to live with the aftermath of what happened.

I think there might well be a good chance she'd deny it, it's hard for anyone to accept that someone they love can be capable of such things. I know from my own personal experiences with telling someone their Husband was abusing me, that denial can be a valid reaction to being told something like this. But my situation was slightly different in that it was my Grandfather abusing me and me telling his Wife (my Nan).

I'm not trying to discourage you from sending it, but I'd just like to second Lizzie's comment, really think about all the reactions she could have and make sure you can handle it before sending it.

Maybe letting your Psychiatrist know that you might send the letter might be a good idea, that way they know before hand and can hopefully support you more effectively if you do send the letter.

[C.A.L]

What you went through was terrible, and it's good you've written it down. However, I don't think you should send the letter. If the guy was still alive then fair enough, you'd be warning his wife and potentially saving others from getting hurt, but he's dead. His wife will be grieving and so will already be living with a lot of pain, receiving your letter and learning all that about someone she loves and has lost could destroy her.
I understand you feel you need to tell her for the good of your own mental health, but I really don't think you should do that at the expense of someone elses.
Please think very hard before coming to any decision, and talk to your therapist before you do anything.

[lozza]

wow

I dont know what to say right now but you inspire me and I hope you are able to send this letter on (if and only if you feel ready)

love you hunni and I am so sorry for everything you have had to endure xxx

[crazykat]

I think you are really brave for writing this letter. I wish you the best of luck for whatever you decide. Thinking of you xxx

[DestinyInPain]

wow, now that is bravery.
I would write to my abuser's partner, but that's my MUM.
(need no family difficulties right now.)

[Casper_Fading]

hey darlin, I read it and it's good. Soul bearing and open. I don't know if you will end up sending this or something different or just burning it. But I'm proud of you for taking this step. You AREN'T a victim and I think you're taking the steps to help yourself believe that. Love you sweetheart. here when you need me.