Beyond repair.

[one_step_closer]

It's obvious to me that you are trying so hard Lillie. Why do you feel you need to pretend everything's ok?

What's the main thing that you'd like help to break down? Take it one thing at a time. If I can be of any use I will try.

What support do you think you need that you could possibly have access to?

[chinahorse]

Thank you for replying lovely <3

I feel I have to be ok as thats what people expect and need. Plus I tell the cmht every time I talk to them and they dont do anything so I must be ok?

I'd like help to take steps to like looking after myself better. I know I should have hot food but Im too tired. Other than that I wash and wear clean clothes. But I still feel neglected.

The self harm has to stop. Has to. Or I need to go to A and E after. But then I have to go to work too. How do I keep all the plates spinning? Thats what I need help with.

I could do with support workers to make sure I eat evening meals as I feel physically better when I do. But I don't get home till way gone 6. Thats all I can think of.

[chinahorse]

Need a bit of reassurance. I'm off to A and E for self harm. I look a state. A real state. I am scared even though I shouldn't be.

[one_step_closer]

You are so brave, well done for doing this. I hope you're getting on alright and people treat you kindly. This is an amazing step to have taken. I will try and reply to your previous post when my head is a bit more together.

[one_step_closer]

Hey Lillie, how are you doing? I understand feeling like you have to appear ok and even when you are honest people don't seem to understand just how much you're struggling. We hear you, I'm sorry it's harder for people to listen in person. Have you said to anyone in the CMHT that you don't think you're getting the support you need? Have you suggested being referred for support workers? Are there any easy-ish evening meals that you can make sure you have at home so you can always have something to stick in the microwave or oven?

[chinahorse]

Everything feels overwhelming and too hard. Called the cmht again for support but my worker wasn't available. What's the point in them?! They are never around. And work just expects that I'll go in early to cover and set up two surgeries without evening asking never mind I'm in loads of pain and my stitches hurt and are bruising my leg and I can't even think to cook or wash clothes or I just can't I can't.

[chinahorse]

Got a letter saying they need more time to deal with my complaint. I don't even matter enough for them to deal with me properly. Why don't I matter?! Why don't I matter? I have no one to talk to in person.

[Buttons.]

You do matter, you really do. I wish I could make things better for you Lillie I really do.

[chinahorse]

Thank you lovely <3

I'm low and sad. So sad.

[Unbreakable.]

I am sorry things are so rough and that you are so incredibly sad.
I love you so much <3

[one_step_closer]

I wish I could send you something that would make you smile. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. Is anything helping at all?

[Aubergine]

How's it going, Lillie? I have been thinking of you.

[chinahorse]

Thank you everyone <3

Things really are rather rubbish. I saw my cpn who doesn't have anything to offer. I'm attending a and e quite regularly. Physically rubbish. Mentally kind of in a state of disbelief that it's like this. I wish some would help me. I keep asking.

[Aubergine]

What did your CC say when you saw her?


I know you went to the cassel and it wasn't helpful, but are there any other types of inpatient treatment that you could get funding for? I read your RV. I don't want you to die.

[chinahorse]

Not much. We chatted and she agreed that life is shit for me.

Tbh I don't think I want IP treatment. I have 1 good things that's mine and that's my flat and I'd loose it. And I don't think there is anything else. IP or not.

I'm not meant to be fixed I don't think. I'm not suicidal I don't think. Just fed up. I want help. I'm doing what I can by keeping going. It's hard. Body is broken and so is mind. Everything is very energy expensive. Like it eat hot food or shower so I shower and eat rubbish but then I feel rubbish for what I've eaten and the circle keeps goin

I want help. Help me someone.

Thank you for caring.

[Aubergine]

I can understand that and think it's a very valid thing to say. I wouldn't want to lose my flat either.


Could you get a personal budget from your council for direct payments to access a support worker or personal assistant or something? I don't know if your CPN would be able to support an application?


You are cared about.

[one_step_closer]

Personal budget is a very, very good idea I think.

How are things today?

[chinahorse]

I dunno if personal budgets are a thing where I live? I will ask my cpn when I see her.

Today I'm stressed. Ive lost 6 hours wages this week :/ mail cos my leg is super infected and now I'm sick from the antibiotic dose doubling.

[one_step_closer]

It's called Self Directed Support here, maybe it has a different name in your area. I hope you can ask your CPN.

That's a lot of stress to be trying to cope with. How's the weekend looking for you?

[tamobhuuta]

*hugs*