18 and problem with alcohol

[Taavi]

Hi. I'm so damn conflicted writing this bc I don't wanna be overdramatic but I also don't wanna wait until I have a real problem before asking for help even if some might say I'm exaggerating.
I'm 18 and in contrast to the image most people have of my age group I used to not care a lot for either partying nor alcohol. The first still applies but the latter has changed. I still don't technically like alcohol but over the last three or four months I have been consuming it rather regularly. The good thing is that i don't drink a lot but the bad thing is that when I drink it's for questionable reasons. other people drink a lot more than me and a lot more regularly without it being considered an issue. But over the last couple of months I have watched myself going from "it's ok because only drink a small amount and I've only actually been drunk once" over "only been drunk twice" to "only been drunk four times" and I'm thinking will I keep going like this and in a couple of months I don't know the actual number of times anymore?
When I say I drink for questionable reasons I mean that I don't drink in social situations or to have fun as one would expect. When I drink it's bc I feel like **** and I wanna numb myself. I guess that's not exactly the best reason to consume alcohol.
Atm I just seem to be completely unable to handle my emotions. Everything sets me off. I feel so ****ing hurt and raw and empty all the time and I don't know what else to do but sit in my room and drink until my brain is too sluggish to properly comprehend the stuff anymore.
I know the obvious solution is to just stop drinking. Why I don't do that? Bc I can't ****ing handle **** rn and if I can't at least numb myself then I lose my ****ing mind.
Idk what else you could even tell me but i just need to talk. Sorry for bothering

[Pi.R^2]

Hi there, welcome to RYL. I think it's absolutely right to not wait until it gets worse before asking for help- the earlier you can intervene, the easier it will be to get back on track.

It sounds like there's two avenues to go down here- the first is working out how to start reducing your drinking. I know you feel like it probably isn't at this stage yet, but could you enquire about local AA groups and whether you could join, even if you don't consider yourself an alcoholic, but someone who is still misusing alcohol? Or you could maybe try and reduce on your own, so set limits each week and gradually reduce it. You could explore other ways of managing your emotions and ways to feel better.

Probably more important is dealing with the reason why you're drinking. It sounds as though you have some significant underlying distress that needs to be addressed. Has anything changed in recent months to cause you to want to numb yourself? If you want to elaborate a bit more on what's causing you to feel so rubbish, then please go ahead, we're here to listen :)

[nonperson]

You're not bothering anyone, don't worry. And you're not being overdramatic at all.

I just want to say that I (and probably a lot of people) completely understand everything you've written above. I was exactly the same at your age - not a party person and never bothered about drinking alcohol to start with... Believe me you really don't want to get to the point where you've lost count of how many times you've been drunk, or to the point where it makes everything worse rather than better... or to the point of regularly making yourself so physically sick that it becomes scary rather than comforting but you keep on doing it anyway. It is such an easy thing to abuse so well done for reaching out now.

I personally go through phases but I find that if there's no alcohol in the house in the first place then I'm unlikely to make the effort of going out to buy some. Do you think that getting rid of whatever you have is an option right now?

[Taavi]

Hi... I tried reducing it but it didn't work out bc as long as I feel ok I don't mind not drinking but as soon as I feel bad I don't care and drink until I feel numb. For a couple of weeks I drank small amounts every night in contrast to not drinking every night atm but when I drink it's more than it used to be bc when I feel bad I don't care anymore if I end up wasted. At least then I don't feel anything anymore.
Idk what actually changed but somehow everything feels different. I always had a complicated relationship with my father but now it's gone completely downhill and I'm not capable of dealing with that anymore bc I feel like everyone else hates me too. Friends and everyone else. Since Corona everything's changed. Idk if we just distanced ourselves from each other bc well social distancing and all or if they too are busy with their own stuff or if it's just me. I got massive communication issues which weren't there before and like it doesnt matter what I say bc people get it wrong anyway. And what really messes with my self esteem is that I often get things wrong bc I take them too literally or just don't realise what people want from me but no one believes that anyone can actually be THAT stupid so they assume I'm doing it on purpose and that's why everyone gets pissed off.
I feel empty and everything ****ing hurts and call me oversensitive but I can't deal with it anymore and that's why I need to numb myself.

[nonperson]

It does sound like you could do with talking to someone about all these feelings. Numbing yourself with alcohol is not a long term answer.

[Zurg]

Taavi, i Think you already know this but as long as you drink to numb yourself, the longer you just keep trying to outrun what is actually the real problem. Until you stop and face the problem and work on solving it without trying to escape, the more time just passes while you feel yourself become more and more addicted to a substance that may Seem friendly but might eventually cost you your life.

I spent some 20 years addicted to alcohol and i did not stop drinking until my doc sat me down and told me i was killing myself. He Said that i either had to stop or my life would stop. It wasn't until that point that i dared to ask myself whether alcohol and numbing myself was so important to me that i wouldn't mind to die because of it. I quickly decided that it wasn't that important.

I know it feels great to not care, and let's be honest, nobody gives a **** about anything when you're completely wasted. The problem is that real life and all its problems tend to return when the effect wears off and then you feel even worse.

The solution is not to decrease your intake, it does not work for anyone bar a very, very few. The solution is to quit now and start working on yourself and trying to find out what alcohol helps you escape and how you can do that in a better Way and start feeling better being yourself. If you feel like you need something else, there are some psych meds that can take the egde of anxiety and the likes, as there are anti depressants that sometimes is a great help to some people.

You don't have to suffer just because you nip this addiction in the bud. There is help. Ask your gp/doc about where to go and whom to ask. They Will know.
Also, i am quite certain that a lot of people feel socially awkward after this corona business and long term with no regular contact with friends. Please don't Think you're just a lost cause because that is simply not true. You can get some help with the things that worry you, they are not that uncommon and they certainly don't make you weird. Please talk to someone and ask for help.