Triggering (SI) - Whore help? [really long essay...possibly graphic]

[</3.Miss.Abigail.</3]

Hmm.
Okay.
I'm not too sure why I'm posting this.
I don't particularly need to get it off my chest, as I have told my boyfriend, and he's just asked me why, if it was his fault. The usual, he didn't react, didn;t yell, which I'm grateful for.
I think, I need help, advice, someone to persuade me to stop.
Okay, so I guess I'll start from the beginning, wherever that might be.

I had stopped cutting for about three months, and then started again for two months, stopped again, for about two months this time, and then cut loads in one week. That was about three weeks ago, and the scars are still purple, but not cuts anymore.

And I was doing fine. Well, I say fine, I mean, I hadn't completely broken down. But then, come Sunday, I just totally broke down. I put cuts half way up my arm, where my school jumper could hide them. Then I scratched the word "whore" into my stomach.
That was Sunday
On Monday, I persuaded my friend to lend me a bade (bad, I know, but I was sort of desparate, and she's not very good at saying no). And Monda night, I made those scratches a little deeper. I've now found myself scartching at the "whore" on my stomach every day to make sure its still visible. It's still only scratched, nothing that can seriously harm me, I think I'm too weak for that. But I just can;t stop doing it. I'm starting to becom obsessed with
it. I'm always staring at it (I've done it so that someone would be able to read it if they looked at my stomach, but it's backwards in the mirror) I won't stop cutting at it or looking at it. Which depresses me even more because I'm quite fat and it;s getting me more depressed about my weight. And now, although I'm not starving myself, I cut myself for everything I eat. And I keep adding to the scratches. I've so far managed to resist the temptation to put the word "fat" before the "whore" but I don't particularly trust my strength to resist temptation.

I know that what I'm doing is unhealthy, but for some reason, it doesn't bother me at all. I know that I should just accept myself, that I should find another way to release my anger and depression, but I just enjoy cutting myself. I have a really low pain tolerance and really can only handle deep scratches but I keep doing it. And I challenge myself to see how much pain I can bear before I have to stop.

I feel like a freak. I think I need help.

So..er...help?

xxx

[tamobhuuta]

i don't know what to say that would help except that i'm sure you're not a a fat whore. even if you are a morbidly obese prostitute, you are definitely not a freak! who knows about your self harm apart from your boyfriend? is there someone else around who could support you? and just to warn you, i don't think stomach is good for scars. i have some from just scratches i did about a year ago. also, if one time you do get out of control, you've got lots of handy organs there just waiting for you to go too deep.

[</3.Miss.Abigail.</3]

I know what you mean, I don't usually cut my stomach, but I don't think I could go that deep.
One of my friends knows, she talked to me about it a bit then, but we've not spoken about it since. We just pretend it never happened really.
I have another friend who might nkow a bit, I'm not too sure what she knows though to be honest. And I don't really want to tell her, she has far too much on her plate to worry about an dI don;t want to make it worse
xx