I didn't get a fair shot, drew a bad hand at this life long long time ago and here I sit.. trying to thrive (yeah right..) without the tools to fight. I can't possible fight this, I can't win, I lose any way you view it. I'm not one to usually self hate - it serves no purpose because I feel people do a good enough job without my help taking jabs at me out in public - however, there is a lot lately I do not like about myself that I can not change. Yes, I could be worse and I try to remember that, however, when i look at people worse off than me, I don't feel suddenly joyful about my own situations, I empathize with the person doing worse and cant' for the life of me understand how they keep going.
Just fed up with life and whatever this is. I'm not living, haven't lived only existed in this what seems like a time-warp and I don't fit it.
Every day its like a pressure cooker. I'm soo sad, hurt, regretful, lost, bitter, and very angry. Most days the sadness quickly turn into heartrending anger and rage which usually turns into self harm.. which is what brought me here to this forum in the first place; which saddened me today that I'm not doing much better than when I joined. I thought I'd beat the self harming but the thoughts never went away.
I'm in denial and I'm afraid that is the only thing keeping me from ending this madness. Reality is quickly approaching and there is no logical way i can endure and prevail and make it through this in 1 piece. Trouble is, I can not afford to come apart again, I won't be able to pick up the pieces again and part of me wants to spare myself from the agony and put a stop to it beforehand.
Sometimes (Today) I'm intensely seething inside from everything I go through secretly, mostly all that I keep bottled up inside. Life has robbed me! I will never get back the years and what life stole from me - all part of a corrupt system of game players and rules/policies set against me; at every turn. I didn't stand much of a chance and the cards were always stacked against me.
I look every day my age (and more) physically from the years of anguish and damage. I can't get those years back and life stomped on me every time I tried to get back up on 2 feet. I got so used to being kicked while I was down and smacked down, I know nothing else...expected nothing else. Never caught a break any opportunities that even came my way were removed sadly by people that I mistakenly thought were fighting on my side.. when nothing could've been further from the truth.
And to add insult to injury (or the other way around) I have to own all that because I allowed an opportunistic world to swoop in take the wheel .