Join Date: Jul 2013
I am currently:  
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is there actually a real me to introduce?
I've never been good at introductions, I like to hide from the world and the real me.
I am 30 years old, male and i'm a serving member of the Bristish Army, and i'm am ill :(
The flash of pain as the blade cuts your arm. I don't pretend to understand the complex nature of my problems, I don't understand
the need and why cutting and recently cold burning, my lower left arm helps me get through the day.
I sit at my desk, running my department, dealing with other peoples issues and try to be productive. The only reason I turn up for
work is I don't want to get in to trouble with managment. If i could I would just disappear. I'm not actually needed. I'm not trained
for the job or the job role that I am doing.
My skills are not being used, I am just a number. I get no enjoyment from my work. It recently got a lot worse when I was told
that due to my mental health issues, I am losing my job. I don't think there are many other jobs, which you can lose for being
depressed and for self-harming. But the policies are clear. With this lose of my job, I will lose my home, and will face serious
hardship in the next few months. I understand it on a logical level, but feel like I am in a spot light, I just want to keep moving on
and working, hiding the shadows coping the best way and only way I can. It taken all my effort not to accept the repeated offers of
time off to recover, this self sacrfical behaviour putting the work before myself was pointless, I still lost my job, my future, the
only real sense of security I had in my life.
The additional stress of waiting for the letter to come through saying I am no longer employed really doesn't help and just feeds
the constant cycle of depression and self harm. The fears of finding new employment, having to retrain and study for professional
qualifications, having to find a home for me and my wife really doesn't help. My current employer says they will help me, but it all
seems to be so disenguinene that I suspect, I will have to find the motivation and energy and do it all my self.
This is a challenge that I have to accept and face, no matter how hard it is to get out of bed in the mornings.
I have history of serious mental health issues, in 2007, I was sent to hospital after some very serious suicide attempts, it took
months to get past the dark clouds that were effecting my life at the time. I managed it and I returned to work, however, ever
since I returned from that my career was over. I didn't know it then, and thought that perhaps I could rebounce, but the stigma of
having a mental illness can't ever be shifted. My soical life was effected, the best jobs and roles internally were given to others,
and i was very much side lined to doing work that I wasn't trained to do or was not important.
This again feed the depression and illness, creating a reinforcing cycle that i had no escape from.
home life, has always been complicated, I have keeped everything from my wife, she knows about my history and has history
herself. However, after some quick thinking and loose talking, I have convinced her that I am actually lying about my feeling and
actions to manipulate my employeer in to medically retiring me. She didn't know that my employer was in the process of
terminating my contract before physical self harm symptoms were so obvious that I couldn't hide them from her.
While I will lose my job, my house and other benifits, terminating my contract will provide a immediatly drawable pension and a
small lumpsum and some money for training. These were the motives I gave to my wife, to explain my behaviour, she thinks its all
an act, a fraud.... The end result of this is, I have to put two faces on each day.
I have to hide my true nature to my wife, which as I sink deeper in to depression and having to fight suicidal feelings and self
harming thoughts is getting harder. I also keep projecting a professional and normal image at work... only a few people know how
ill I really am. I cover my arms and hide away, and it seems to be working.... but in the end I am just sat waiting for the postman.
No responsibility, no reason to work hard, or to do anything. Which is a real problem.
I should be studying hard for my new future career, but I can't... i can't let go of find the motivation to study to improve my self, I
can't see a future anymore.
Will I be able to get a job in the real world, no employer will touch me if they see my arms. My skills are out of date, which again
fuels the depression and makes me feel even more useless and helpless. Which then leads me to harm my self to distract and
make me feel alive.
I read somewhere that selfharm is addictive, I don't believe its addicitve, i believe the relief and the feelings that it produce are
addivitve. I have to self harm somedays to allow me to be lucide and focus. I have to self harm, after any amount of stress and I
have to self harm not as a cry for help, or for attention as I would rather no one knew but to get me through.
I am assamed to visit friends and family, I seriously find it hard to accually process any emotions these days, I don't care is a tag
line I use a lot.
I am worried that I won't be able to hide my true thoughts and feelings from my wife... my life really is mess right now and I am
lost, and there doesn't seem to be much of future for me! I don't want to die, but i'm not bothered if I die, I could be hit by a car or
bus and if my existance is snuffed out then fine.
I won't lie, I have had many a thought of suicide, I spend a lot time reading about methods and watching videos about death and
executions on youtube. Right this moment, I can think of at least 7 methods that I could do to end my life... Perhaps this is a
symptom of my very distrubed mind. Will I jump in front of the train, or pour the petrol over my body and light the match, I can't
say.
I am on medication, but i can't take it, I don't like it, while I know it will help, I just can't take the medication... I can't function on
the medication, I had to stop it. The doctor doesn't know I am not taking it, and just keeps upping the dosage and trying different
types, i'm no on some kind of modified release... but it won't help me... next month he's going to add somehting else to the mix.
Why am I so dishonest to everyone? Why can't I be honest about my feelings and thoughts? I don't want to be an inpaitent again. I
don't want to have to deal with that and the shame it brought my family.
writting this I have lost my train of thought, it started as just random thoughts and well i don't know how this story will end...
just need to get it out there somewhere!
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