Desire to cut all the time

[Celticroots]

I cut after almost two months free. The thoughts of cutting had been building up. It felt as though they wouldn't go away until I cut. I felt relieved afterward.

I was feeling ok when I did it. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. There was stress with seeing what stuff I am elidgble for with my disability, as it varies state by state. And having to find yet another new therapist. I found one who looks good (and who takes our insurance) but I am wary about talking about my self-harm to another new person. I am worried about what she'll think.

Now the urge to cut has been on my mind every day, even though I am feeling well at the moment. I am trying to keep my mind occupied, but thoughts of cutting intrude. I've had this before when I was bruising myself. I'd have urges to bruise that would surface over and over until I gave into them.

Since my Mom's reaction last time she found out I cut, I am determined that she not find out again. I've found new places to hide the "evidence" from cutting.

I feel like a freak for wanting to cut...well, because I liked it, the pain, watching the blood, then cleaning it up, etc. I feel like a freak because I want to cut even though I am not upset, because I liked it.

And part of me thinks why not keep going? Sounds sick, and makes me feel ashamed. Thankfully the cut is healing well and shows no signs of infection.

Anyone else experience this?

[Charmed]

Hi Emily, firstly well done for going 2 months free. You should be proud of that, it's still a great achievement. Do you know how you managed to stay free for such a long period of time? It might help you to think of what you have done for the past 2 months, and try to recreate that.

The emotions you're expressing are completely normal. Please try not to feel ashamed or guilty. Many people enjoy feeling the pain, seeing the blood as well as cleaning up afterwards. It can feel like a controlled ritual which is comforting and makes you feel safe. This is quite a regular feeling I experiences while cleaning, it doesn't make you 'sick'.

Any good therapist would not think badly of self harm, in fact self harm is a very common thing therapist deal with so she shouldn't be shocked. Do you think you could give this new therapist a go?

[Celticroots]

The only thing that's made me go so long without cutting is fear of my Mom finding out. (Which makes me feel terrible) I've just started hiding it better.

I am looking forward to seeing this new therapist. I hope we click. I see her next Friday.

[talaiporia]

There are lots of reasons not to cut - you know that. And if you're not convinced, then it's worth reading the Cutting Warning Label again. There are more reasons that just your mom.

Good luck with the new therapist.