he died on the 14th. V, B and I came up for all of last week to help my mom as he was quite ill( was on peritoneal dialysis at home) We had him home from hosp on sat., V drove home sunday, he died monday night.
They keep telling me i did the best i could...but i dont know how to properly do cpr. I might have saved him.
He was having a stroke and then he couldnt breathe...he looked me in the eye telling me he couldnt, he said im so scared. I think im going to die this time.
telling him no, then he started gasping..his eyes were so scared. I did mouth to mouth. I got him to breathe once but i couldnt get anymore more.
I saw in his eyes when he died, his pupils went so very tiny. I didnt know they could go tha small.
did he know i was trying to help? That i was there? Or did he die trapped in nhis head, scared?
I cant close my eyes, i see him.
They worked oin him for 30 minutes. There were 5 paramedics, spelling each other.
I didnt know cpr was so violoent...i keep hearing his breath beiong pushed out when they werent breathing for him. They got him once, but...
The poor man was so very ill and frail.
Startinmg over 10 yerears agao. He jhad cancetr, beat it. A double bypass then a triple, made it. 4 heart attacks, many strokes, he was now in kidney failuer and heart failure and vascular disease in his legs and most arteries they said. His main artery from heart (cant think of name right now) was narrowed and weak. He stopped nreathing before in ICU at other times...
they say i couldnt bhave saved him, his heart and body was just too tired.
B is in Pent. ICU atm. We took her to Oliver Hosp yesterday at noon fior back pain, thought with all went on with 911, gettinmg my mom downstairs, she might have just pulled muscles in her abck, is what it seemed like...a bath and cool cloth seemed to help.
She only has one kidnetyy and it wasnt draining, she wasnt peeing..ididnt kniow. I didnt notice/catch it..why didjt i?
She was rushed to pent hosp (iahte these ****ing hosp and never want to set foot ion one of them again.
They rushed her to surgery and put a stent in and they said all went just just fine bnut they have bnio idea what caused the blockage, no stone, nothing but there is a kink in her urethra but tbey said its ok now. We hopefully can take her home (parents house) today...ewaiting for do to call. If she peed without the catheter we can get her.
Was meant to go to the funeral home yesterday to make arrangements, bring clothes (and his teeth, dear god i thought he was going choke on them). Called the home at noon yesterday at first hosp said just worry about her, no rush etc. Made appt today fpor us at 1:30 today to view/say goodbye to him.
Have to call and re arrange.
I just want my girl home.
I thought she was in kidney failure her face around her eyes, nose, mouth were yellow...it was dehydration and not draining.
But they fixed it, she is ok.
There are so manmy calls, messages things to do.
Poor V, left sunday, got home at 8pm, worked 12 hours, got home again at 8, calle dhim at 9 to tell him come back, got here next morning at 7 am. Drove straight thru.
Sorry to dump all this when ive not been here, not been any help.
They ghave a 3000 square foot house to get thru...
i just want 10 minutes, thats all, of nothing and noboduy. I dont want to have to do anything /help anyone, just fpor a bit. How selfish but i do.
I am so so sorry Romp. To see your dad like that..but you did everything you could. The paramedics said that you couldnt have saved him. If you can get a positive out of this..its that you were with him and he would have known that and got some comfort from knowing you were there trying to save him.
Im glad B is ok now...is she still in hospital or with you now?
You have been through so much in such a short time....you need to take time out for you Romp and dont feel guilty about it.
Please keep posting here if it helps and we will support you as much as we can hun
aw babe, you did all you could. cpr can be quite violent but he was so ill anything they could have done would have caused more pain to him, he knew you were there - he communicated with you, so sorry you have all this. Hope your baby be ok xxx poke me on FB if you wanna chat i'm usually on there, love u sis xx
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
God, I'm so sorry honey*leaves all the gentle caring hugs in the world*
It sounds like you have had the week from hell. Two traumatic events after the other and with barely any room or time to try and get your head together. I don't think you wanting some time for yourself is selfish at all! Not one bit. You need care as well Romp and part of that is giving yourself time. The calls and messages and details and things will get done and letting yourself have half an hour or so is not going to make much difference.
I am glad B is doing better, hopefully she is home now. As for your Dad....none of us can answer your questions hun, all I know is that I would bet your presence and care was a comfort for him. You did all you could for him, even the paramedics who are professionally trained could not save him. You are not responsible for any of this.
We're here if you need us. Sending more hugs and thoughts your way xxxx
thank you all.
the viewing is today so i will likely be back here later i think.
V has been to a few open services and he says the person sdoesnt ever loook 'right'. It isnt like theyre 'sleeping'. Im scared but glad he told me as thats the pic i had in my head. Im scared for my mom. sghe hasnt broke yet.
that night the paramedics took her with them as her bp was 190/? i cant rememeber. I cant lose her too.
B is home (parents home)and well.
thank you so much.
V is scared about this part. He remembers his grandfather's fubneral a nd his grandma frraked out, he said he has never in his life heard a scream like that, never forgot it and he wasd 7 y.o. His brothers was just as basd. He hasnt cried yet either.
So ki nd of preparinmg now to hold them bioth up. I htink i can do it.
I think you are being really brave Romp. Remember to try and take care of yourself too. For what it is worth, I saw my grandfather in the chapel of rest and was terrified before hand but it was something I had to do. He didn't look like he was sleeping, he didn't look 'normal' but despite that, he was still my Grandpa, just in a different stage. In some ways it helped me to accept he was gone, it wasn't scary. Thinking of you and hoping today goes as well as it can do. I'm glad to hear B is home and well x
So sorry for your loss Romp. You did all you possibly could and like you said, his body was probably too tired and worn out to be able to carry on.
((hugs))
Sorry for your loss :(
You did the best you could though and I'm sure that he knows that. Sorry I don't have much to say, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and if you want to talk, my PM box is open
I have no words, as there is little that can be said. Please try to allow some time for yourself, you have been through a lot. Try not to beat yourself up, as you have been amazingly strong and you have done all you can.
*gentle cuddles*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you're in. Don't blame yourself though, sometimes, there's just nothing that could have been done. :'(
Oh babe i'm so sorry. *massive cuddles* You poor thing! What a horrible time. For the funeral, to get through... sing in yoru head. It helped me through. Singing, something i loved in my head. It helps balance the pain. They're so hard but they're for remembering. remember the joy! *pets* I'm here love. Facebook. I wish i could be there for you right now but the ocean is in the way >.< *sends major snuggles and licks* I love you darling. Keep breathing. You can get through this. Don't try and take the world on your shoulder. Sorrow shared is sorrow halved. Joy shared is joy doubled. I know you're strong enough to get through this. *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
