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Old 01-01-2008, 11:11 AM   #21
Abernethy
 
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Personally, I’m equally scared of both my mental illness and my recovery. I’m scared of my mental illness because I know that if I carry on as I am now, my ED, SH, or suicide attempts will either kill me, or get me put back into hospital; and I’m scared of my recovery because who am I without it, and what will I do? I don’t think that I actively or consciously try to maintain my illness, but, on the other hand, I don’t try to engage in my recovery either. Unfortunately, mental illness doesn’t require participation, and recovery does.

Though I wouldn’t say that I enjoy being ill, I do enjoy some things that come as a result of being ill. For example; I enjoy being in hospital (to an extent), because the responsibility for my care is taken away from me, I enjoy the kind of attention I receive from others, and I feel completely detached from reality.

I certainly wouldn’t say that you are the only one who feels like this, because, obviously, I do, and I’m sure, judging from the other responses, there are many more that do, too. I hope you can draw some comfort from this.

Take care of yourself.

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Old 01-01-2008, 10:35 PM   #22
ems
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarika View Post
I was looking up munchausen and it's relation to BPD, here's what I found...
"Approximately 50% of those with Munchausen Syndrome are subject to drug abuse, and many have borderling personality disorder."

"It is often noted that patients with BPD are attracted to the care, structure, and drama of medical situations. They are drawn to this environment both as patients and as a career choice.It is now well recognized that BPD underlies the majority of cases' of Munchausen's syndrome."

"often present traumatic events, particularly abuse and deprivation and numerous hospitalizations in childhood and as adults lack support from relatives and/or friends. Because of that, they consider that hospitalization is unconsciously used to recreate the desired parent-child bond they lacked in reality."

I also found alot of information that connected BPD, munchausen, bulimia, and SI. Suggesting that all are somewhat related...it's interesting reading up on this stuff, and the more I read, the more I understand...and the more I start connecting everything-it starts making sense.
It's like...it's starting to describe me really well. I mean, it's been forever that I've been like this-but it just seems to be getting to a point that I recognize that this is a problem.

As I start to think, I can't tell if what I do is part of another illness of what. For example, my SI comes in many forms that include bone breaking. So I break bones not only because it's SI, but because I enjoy going to the hospital/doctor. It gets confusing, like is there a seperation or is one just there because the other one is? Like, I said, I never fake anything, I'll "nurture" my symptoms or exaggerate them. In the past I got chest pain(makes sense b/c of my ED) but I decided(for whatever reason) that it was incredibly bad(it wasn't at first). I started thinking that I would fake bad chest pain and go to the hospital-than I actually started feeling horrible. Went to the hospital, pulse and blood pressure were elevated, collapsed (not on purpose) in triage, was put on a heart monitor, had an EKG, given some meds, finally went home. So, I wonder, has it gotten so bad that when I think something it happens? Gets confusing sometimes :


omgoodness... that sounds exactly like me... i get a lot of abdominal pain.. have been in gen hospital for 6weeks on and off through the summer.. i liked being cared for... i think ..ugh.. i wanted the pain to be really really bad that it aactually felt really really bad, i was on iv morphine for it!
before i went into the psyc hospital where i am now, i was si-ing everyday to the extent that i needed many stitches, and was in a+e everyday...
oh i also have bulimia, depression and i SI


Last edited by ems : 01-01-2008 at 10:37 PM. Reason: forgot to add something in
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Old 02-01-2008, 12:43 AM   #23
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I haven't read everything, but this is so me. I've never told anyone else before but I dream about ending up in hospital. i desperately want to be looked after. I want it taking out of my hands; it's clear I can't look after myself properly. I took an overdose a few months ago and I was devestated I didn't take enough to end up staying in the hospital. This just made me feel more pathetic and like a total fraud. *Sigh*
I read someone mentioned about this linking to BPD, does any of what I've written match with BPD? I've never thought about it before. I'm not trying to self-diagnose but I guess it would link with my OCD and depression? x

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Old 02-01-2008, 01:25 AM   #24
anon_y_mous2004
 
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WOW! After reading all the posts I realize I do the same things. So glad to know I am not alone.

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Old 04-01-2008, 02:58 AM   #25
Bleeding4hope4life
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Wow. This is completely me. I was always lieing, saying I was more unsafe then I was so I could end up back in hospital. Then when I got there doing everything I could not to be sent home, even if it changed the opinions of those I was staying to be near. I've been cut free for over a year now, and out of hospital for almost two, but I just feel like life is too hard, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I just want to be able to tell someone I'm suicidal and go back to hospital for a while and not have to think, or live, or function. But I know I can't. But I miss being cared for, feeling the love twenty-four hours a day. God I miss that. I feel so pathetic. Anyhow though, the point was, I understand what you are saying.



It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

Be Brave. Love Life.


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Old 04-01-2008, 03:07 AM   #26
x-dying-inside-x
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for me i hate being ill.
it has wrecked my life and for that i hate being ill.
all i want is to be well and have my life back.



" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB

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Old 07-01-2008, 05:16 PM   #27
88shelz
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i have never mentioned this to anyone before as i felt like a freak.
im scared of getin better. without my illnesses i dont feel i am me.

i also fantasize alot about being in hospital.
this onli really happend though after i was admitted to hosp a few times. i didnt really wanna leave and wen i did leave all i thought about was going back.
i also have BPD. im so glad im not the onil one who feels this way.
i was scared to admit it cuz it sounds attention seeking.





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