I understand you. I struggle myself. With that being said its important to remember that nobody is ever truely ready for recovery. And even if you lost the weight you want, then 1)you wont feel like its enough 2) you wont be able to maintain it cause you wont be able to function forever on such a low amount. you will gain the weight back once you eat a normal amount of food again. The more you restrict the more depressed you will get cause its a side effect of restricting and so is a low metabolism. 3) all of this is not about your weight in the first place. 4) deep inside of you, its not weightloss you want, what you really want is to be happy and enjoy life while its there. And no you are not disgusting. 5) nobody can save you. Only you can do that. But you CAN do that.
I read a qoute:
recovery may seem scary. Gaining weight may seem scary.
Increasing may seem scary. Fear foods may seem scary.
But isent it so much scarier to think you could spend your whole life trapped like this?
I feel so scared of my constant needs. I know I should want it, but I don't want recovery. I need my goal yet hate my constant needing and pleading
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
For food. For my emotions. Not being able to cope. I just want to be small and safe. They just seem so endless and I get so tired of trying to tend to them
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I feel the same way. But i also know i cant live with AN forever and only i can change it. Nobody can do it for me. It really is up to ourself to feel better. If we dont want to fight for recovery then we will just stay this way.
Nobody can recover for us.
I guess I know, but I'm so tired and feel ill today. Slept so much and still tired, I don't have the energy for recovery right now
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm scared I wouldn't even be me anymore without this
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
At the moment I'm coping with how I am. I don't have to lie about food because that really gets me, I have energy and get to do some things I enjoy. I think I can deal with here if I have to
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
It's been a bad couple of days. I've suffered really badly with stomach cramps- I don't even know why. I'd guess that I was dehydrated on the first day then even having water was hard so I had some but not enough- still struggling with feeling sick if I feel any amount of fat in my mouth, dry mouth too but got through ok and even made the minimal calories I set myself (actually thankful for Christmas food for that). Today I ate a piece of the Christmas pudding I made. I feel very confused and unsure whether I should worry about some things but grateful to feel stronger. I also spoke with my partner and asked him not to give me such a hard time- the minimal calories the body needs to run I make sure I get every day even when I struggle so much with the screaming in my head. Tomorrow I'm hoping I feel strong enough to go for a run and do some cleaning to prepare for a week of work- feels like I've lost a lot the last few days but not everything
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
hang in there Alanna. Sounds like you managed it pretty well after all.
THe holidays have been so tough on me too and I am still not done :/ it all gets so exhausting. I hope you can do the things you planned on doing today and have a great day <3
I don't know Nadine, I don't know what I want anymore. Start back at work tomorrow and trying to make a safe plan for food- I'm taking food with me to start this week. Still feel a bit ill in the stomach. It is exhausting- wishing you luck and strength to get through <3
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Someone asked at work if I'd lost weight but I don't know. Finally starting to feel better in my stomach but still very trapped. I don't know if I'm losing, and if I am how to maintain. I don't know my weight. I don't know where I want to be. Feel like a fraud. Just need some understanding
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry Jessie. I don't deserve your thoughts or anyones. I am a fraud- far too big and eating far to much to be here
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry to bang on. It's been a hard few days and I'm probably overthinking things but I'm so scared someone coming back from holidays not having seen me for a couple of weeks will say something about my weight- terrified of being found out; even more scared of being seen as the attention-seeking bitch I am. Scared I'm not losing, but at least I'm not gaining. I don't know what to do . It all feels so hard and today I had no energy at all. It just hurts
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm sorry you are finding things so hard. You'll find that people are very much wrapped up in their own world and dont much notice other people or maybe you could say that with respect its a private issue?
Take care.
Thanks for the reply. I hope noone sees- I think for the most part you're right.
Been very tired lately and frustrated because I'm eating so much more and so exhausted. Was ill with a stomach bug over Christmas and had to go back to work while I was still recovering. I worked 8 days straight with only a day off yesterday so know my body is still recovering but why does it need so much??
It hurts so much and I feel so guilty and conflicted because I know logically I shouldn't need to lose weight that much even if I was overweight; it shouldn't be a fear. But it is and if I could I'd tear all the fat away and just have bones because that feels safer. I'm sorry. I can't keep doing this- I can't keep being this big and vulnerable
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
