The referral has still yet to be done... The Royal Free, as I suspected, no longer have an ED service. So the practice manager is trying to find out where to refer me. I've to pop in in the morning to find out.
ED hadn't been on my records because it has only come to light medically recently.
She's still read none of the letters she's been sent.
It's not the most efficient of GP practices, I am finding out!
In the meantime, she's not weighing me. I have a rough idea of what's happening there. But bleh. I could lose a whole LOAD of weight again. But that's hard to sustain as my healthy self care does kick in more regularly now. But the swings are still 'biting' and part of me likes to push the edges of what I can survive on.
Well, she's still going to refer me [eventually!] so she must believe that I can benefit from the help - I got that sense too from what she was saying. I was all ready to walk in and talk about what a fraud I feel I am, but it didn't 'need' the space.
Though the lack of organisation bothers me!
That is good that you got a sense of validation from her. Lack of organisation would be annoying but try and remind yourself that it is at least in the process. Keep fighting, you will get through this. Thinking of you
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Thank you both.
At least once I get the referral through, I can explain things in detail to the person assessing me. But the admin chaos is actually well known for that practice, as it's so busy and everything. It does worry me that they don't know who to refer me to, but maybe they don't have many patients with EDs.
Just feeling kind of miserable and emotionally empty right now. I guess it's from being alone. But I'm SO tired. I need the rest. No work til Monday. Trying not to be over fed by my parents this weekend. I've eaten a decent sized dinner and I feel bloated and expanded. And empty, so empty.
But I don't have an ED. I do. I don't. I do. I've been very ill. I'm much better than I was. But sometimes I'm not. And the emotions. Sometimes they flicker.
This isn't a rant. This is me reaching out.
Looking ahead to my future feels so bleak.
I feel relieved and kind of wobbly? It's Vincent Square [well, the 'satellite clinic' local to me]. Now why did it take them nearly a month to find that out and I found it in a quick Google?!
Anyway, the practice manager says I should hear back in a couple of weeks [the website says that's the urgent referral timeframe. Oh my goodness. But there are far more unwell than me. Ah well.].
The referral form has current weight on it, and my GP's not weighed me in the last 2 appointments, so I did tell the practice manager that. I have actually lost weight since then, so it's kind of important. Why doesn't my GP do the referral form?! Though she did type up a bunch of stuff yesterday. Scared they won't see me as ill enough to even assess....
But. It's really happening. I'm being taken seriously. Something that has plagued me most of my life. It's kind of awe inspiring. No wonder I can't quite believe it's happening.
Thinking of you Katie. I wish I had more words of support, but I am thinking of you and hoping all goes well with the referral- uncertainty is such a struggle, but I hear YOU fighting for what you know is right. It's hard, but I hope your GP can help you do what is right
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Do they look into things like current anti-depressant, do you know?
Certainly when I was being seen by ED services as an outpatient she was quite keen not to get involved in the medication side of things, because she felt that was best dealt with by my GP. So she mainly just took note of my medications for her records.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stellata
I feel relieved and kind of wobbly? It's Vincent Square [well, the 'satellite clinic' local to me].
I was about to wade in and announce that everyone north of the river went to St Ann's, but clearly I was wrong (and I'm glad to be wrong in this instance!). I'm glad you've found out where you're going, and I hope they can be of help to you.
This could turn out to be a mammoth post, so sorry if it is! I'm also in 'Subtle As A Sledgehammer' mode, but I'm genuinely only saying these things in an attempt to be both realistic and supportive, so please try to see it as that, and not me being cold or having a go or anything.
The resounding message I got from your posts on this thread was your deep need for care/nurture/love/friendship. I just wonder if professionals are the best people to support you in this journey right now. Professionals aren't there to be our friends or to give us a hug or fill the huge gaping hole that loneliness creates. I'm not saying just magic up a support network of friends and family out of thin air, not at all, I'm just worried you're going to be disappointed, as it seems like you're looking for more than just professional support from your GP and mental health services. (This is all just my interpretation of what you've said, do feel free to tell me to shut up). There's absolutely nothing wrong with looking for those things in professional services, especially if you feel you have nowhere else to turn and I have probably done so myself in the past, I just worry that you mightn't be able to get the most out of treatment, if your aims are different to those of the professional. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I wanted to say it. I feel like your eating disordered behaviours are more of a symptom of a bigger underlying hurt than of a purely ED nature, and whether or not there might be other things you could do alongside ED treatment to best tackle the overall difficulties?
Can you relate to anything I've said, or am I completely barking up the wrong tree?
I'm pretty clear about what I want and need from the assessment
- inclusive diagnosis [even if it's 'sub clinical' which I'm sure it will be, that's ok]
- referral to a dietician
- advice on how to help my body recuperate in a way that's safe as it were
- advice for my GP on how to monitor my 'case'
I'm too tired to explain any more right now as I've just got back from a weekend in Belgium with my parents.
tbh re her not weighing you and 'being able to a whole LOAD of weight now', her weighing you makes no difference to gaining weight or losing weight, only if it came to the kind of bmi where you end up under the mental health act.
if you think it would positively help you to have someone weigh you, then ask them for that, but otherwise i wouldn't, because it generally tend not to be helpful to people (to have their weight done regularly)
good luck and i hope you get what you want out of it all.
Re the weight, from a balanced perspective it would have been useful for her to have at least done a recent weight so as that the referral form could have been more accurate. From that it would have been seen in a practical sense how my weight and restriction swing around.
Dash, I know, and those whys I am working through.
Re the assessment, they will be assessing diagnostically anyway, it's what it's for. And even if I can't have an ED dietician, I'm pretty sure they will be able to facilitate something, particularly as I have IBS too. Part of the assessment does involve advice for primary care so I'm generally pretty realistic. I'm not expecting them to take me on - the waiting list is aeons anyway for that! [I know from folks in my ED support group].
Belgium was good, thanks. :) I absolutely needed some rest and time away from everything.
This morning I am bleeding and it's only day 15 of my cycle, which is worrying. But I guess it makes sense with my erratic eating and weight and the stress of travelling etc. I'll see how it goes. It does feel like a 'proper' period rather than spotting. I'm not sure if I should see my GP though?
This probably isn't something you want to hear but ed services,if they aren't taking you on tend to write to your gp and there ends their help,they class it as referring you back to your gp/primary care.
From a referral perspective,unless your bmi is at an extreme,what it says on the form doesn't really make much of a difference to the eds,that's one reason why they weigh at assessment.
Also assessment wise is your chance to explain about your weight,what other does,any patterns it follows....food/ibs/what you think would help....
From a diagnostic perspective,my ed team told me at assesment,at the end.
You may have to be prepared for them not meeting what needs you want met,if that makes sense? Or, on the flip side,have you thought about that you will do if they do take you under the service,which on a basic level involves some form of therapy and dietician input...would you take any therapy that's offered?
Well, seeing as my needs are for assessment, to be taken seriously, for some guidance on my needs and to be pointed in the right direction for diet and nutrition help, it would be pretty poor of them not to provide those things, since they are mostly outlined on their website as far as I can see.
I would also hope that they understand that for someone to struggle with eating doesn't necessarily result in emaciation [though my therapist says that I've been close to that...] or extremes to have a damaging effect on health and to require help.
Remember that it's not me who triggered this referral, it was the occupational health doctor who did an hour long detailed assessment of my physical and emotional health.
Ok o get that but what are you hoping for,for yourself?diet/nutritional input can be given by either one of the nurses but usually the dietician,there is likely to be a wait though,well there will be a wait for anything they do bit i chose that because its one thing you want or hope to get from them.
What is it that's important about diagnosis?is it partly to do with feeling validated/listened to? How will you handle whichever diagnosis the do give,say if its different from what you are thinking (it does happen sadly,they do go off criteria/bmi and triage the waiting list to tie with that).
Have you thought about what you're going to say,are you going to expand on your past/present issues,that you see a therapist,things like that (will all come up in an assesment).
What if they offer therapy as part of them deciding how best to meet your needs best?
I guess what im asking is,what are you wanting from them other than diet/nutritional help or is it more feeling listened to,getting a diagnosis then you can kinda prove your struggles are official,im not in any way saying there is anything wrong with this,i guess im just curious.
I genuinely feel no point really in carrying on with my life, in nurturing myself. I can eat more when I allow myself - but for what? What is there to live for? I know I know, make changes in my life. But why? It's all emptiness in the end.
Maybe I weigh too much to get help, to have my struggles believed. Well, there's one solution to that, isn't there. Ok, so I'm manipulative. We knew that.
I've struggled with eating all my life, see. Believing that eating much less will solve things. It gets worse at times of stress, as has been recently. I need help so that this doesn't keep happening. I've never felt safe in my skin. It's a bit better now, with all the therapeutic work I've done. But the 'anorexia' is a scream that seems it hasn't been fully reached yet.
I have a job I'm mostly good at. But it is below my skill level, and a 'dead end' job.
I follow my creative interests. But.
I have a decent home now. But I'm still lonely.
There are things wrong with me that will probably never be right.
Katie that sounds like a really difficult place to be in. You sound like you have lost alot of hope. I could be way off so tell me if I am wrong but I am wondering if some or alot of this hopelessness stems from fear of what this assessment will hold and what the outcome will be. Perhaps your scared of them potentially rejecting you so rather than having to face the possibility of that it feels better to end your life or self-destruct further to prove that you are worthy. Please let me know if I am off mark, I am sorry if I am it was just some thoughts I had when reading what you had posted.
I know when you feel so low it can feel pointless but try to remember why you fought for this from the start. Those reasons are still there they are just very clouded by the way you feel at the moment. It would be a shame for you to give up now when you have fought so hard for this to happen. You DO deserve the support. Does any of your supports know how bad you are feeling right now? Thinking of you
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I am a bit concerned that you may be disappointed by this assesment... I have had a diagnosed ED of one sort of another for 10 years and it's only in the last 6 months that I have seen i dietician, and to be honest they were fairly useless saw me twice and gave very little advice
try not to get into the thinking of not being "Ill enough" and so having to make yourself iller... this is a dangerous path which I have seen far too many people go down... unfortunately it's the way the ED services work at the moment that encourages it, with their mild obsession on BMI and bloods, encourages people to get sicker to gain help, but they have to have a cut off somewhere, not got the funding to help everyone.
you may have said already and I missed it, but have you discussed your eating with your current therpaist? Just incase nothing comes of this assesment
saw me twice and gave very little advice 
