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Old 28-01-2008, 10:26 PM   #1
ButterflyKisses
 
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Triggering (SI) - Recovering for the wrong reasons?

I'm now 9 months in recovery (from depression and self injury and ODs and all sorts) been clean for all that time, but I think I'm now doing it for the wrong reasons.

BeforeI was proud to be rid of it all, but after 9 months of having to hold back I just want to say "well done megan but now its time to go back", I just need the control cutting gave me. I need it, like a drug. NEED it, so bad.
The only thing stopping me is the thought of how far i've come and how much i'll be dissapointing myself. I SOOO wanted to just be able to say "1 YEAR FREE!" and then i think, no-one will know anyway, so why bother?

Basically I'm only staying clean now cos I want to achieve 1 year free, and when thats completed I know i'll cut again. So then whats the point in recovering? Is that really recovery? Or just waiting till i can **** myself up again?

Sorry, really confused and tempted right now. Dunno if this is the right place for it, I just need to know if I need to start back at square one, cos is this really recovery, if i know ill allow myself to cut in 3 months?
Thankyou for reading. x



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Old 28-01-2008, 11:03 PM   #2
starting_over
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First of all let me say well done!!! I once had a little over 2 years sh free/ and now i am 7 1/2 months sh free. you know maybe right now you ar ein bad place. do you feel like you after you hit the 1 year mark you WILL cut again no matter what all th etime or just recently? i know during this time when crap has hit the fan I have felt the same way. before you make any rash decisions, just take a look at what is going on right now, and how you have generally felt when things were going o.k. and please keep coming here and talking with us. good luck and no matter what remember we are here to support you in your effort to heal and recover.

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Old 29-01-2008, 05:23 PM   #3
ButterflyKisses
 
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thanks, i think i probably just expect too much of myself. always have.

well done to you for 2 years, thats really amazing. and knowing that u have quit again after slipping back is comforting. keep it up.

today has been a little better. i dont know for sure that i will cut again, but its a comfort to be able to think that i can after the 1 year mark. i want to leave it behind, i do, but i still crave that feeling of needing to be in control and destroy myself in some way.

Im starting to do excersise and try and lose a bit of weight, make myself feel better, and keep a log on the good things im eating etc, which gives me that control back. so i'll see how that goes. controlling looking after yourself has got to be better than controlling destroying ureself right?

p.s. thanku very much for the reply x



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