Triggering (SI) - Recovering for the wrong reasons?
I'm now 9 months in recovery (from depression and self injury and ODs and all sorts) been clean for all that time, but I think I'm now doing it for the wrong reasons.
BeforeI was proud to be rid of it all, but after 9 months of having to hold back I just want to say "well done megan but now its time to go back", I just need the control cutting gave me. I need it, like a drug. NEED it, so bad.
The only thing stopping me is the thought of how far i've come and how much i'll be dissapointing myself. I SOOO wanted to just be able to say "1 YEAR FREE!" and then i think, no-one will know anyway, so why bother?
Basically I'm only staying clean now cos I want to achieve 1 year free, and when thats completed I know i'll cut again. So then whats the point in recovering? Is that really recovery? Or just waiting till i can **** myself up again?
Sorry, really confused and tempted right now. Dunno if this is the right place for it, I just need to know if I need to start back at square one, cos is this really recovery, if i know ill allow myself to cut in 3 months?
Thankyou for reading. x
|