I'm confused now. I saw my support worker today and she asked if I wanted to stop seeing the duty CPNs now. I was supposed to be seeing another CPN this week while my own CPN is still off, and the duty CPNs at some points but it seems like I've not to get any support any more. I didn't really want to say anything to my support worker because I feel like she judges me and she was thinking I don't need any support. She didn't say anything about the bed situation either. The last time I had to go into hospital she had told me that she thought I definitely didn't need hospital and I was doing better. When all of this current drama started 2 weeks ago I had an appointment with her and made it clear that I was very suicidal but she didn't take me seriously and now refers to this crisis point as happening the day after I saw her.
Everyone seems to think I'm fine so maybe I am fine and just pretending. After all - I got help when my arm swelled up so I'm obviously taking care of myself, I have made an appointment to get the dressing changed, I go to my appointments with CMHT people, I have not attempted suicide. I'm totally just a fake mentally ill person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well, the CPN phoned at 5pm to say my GP won't authorise the Quetiapine because I had a reaction to it before. I think I hallucinated for a couple of days on and off. The psych was going to prescribe me another particular med but it was one I used to frequently overdose on so I said no way. The psych came in while the CPN was on the phone to me so she ended the call to talk to him and she phoned me back later but I didn't hear the phone ringing and she didn't leave a message. I'm seeing her on Wednesday anyway. I guess it might just have been the support worker who responded to me in a way that I felt was not so great, as I usually feel with her.
I am worried that people will think because I've been waiting for a bed for 2 weeks now and I'm still alive then I'm obviously fine. Either I will be taken off the list or if I do get a bed everyone will hate me because they'll think I don't need it. Stupidly I'm finding it even harder to communicate right now because my hay fever is making me feel very physically unwell.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think your support worker is just being a little bit innatentive, so she says things that are off sometimes. Unfortunately, professionals aren't perfect, in fact some of them are quite far from perfect. Please, don't take it as something that invalidates your feelings or issues. I am pretty sure most of the professionals you work with are still trying to help you, therefore, you need and deserve help.
The idea that you still being alive means you're totally fine seems somewhat extreme and far fetched, I really don't think that professionals, or really anyone who knows enough about mental health would make a conclusion like that. If not acting immediately when you're suicidal meant you're totally fine, there wouldn't even be a point to create any kind of support system for suicidal people, yet it exists. I really don't think anyone would hate you for being in a hospital, or get mad at you for it. Being mad at you for it would be extremely mean and unkind. So please, take care.
Last edited by Juella : 09-07-2019 at 03:17 PM.
Reason: didn't finish the post
Thank you both. I do think some of the difficulties I have with my support worker is just the way she reacts to things, which is in a way that doesn't suit me but would probably be fine for other people.
I honestly think people are going to push me to turn down a bed now, especially since my own CPN is off at the moment. There would have been a review on the ward today and I've heard nothing about a bed becoming available so I guess that's it for another day. There isn't another review until Friday. A couple of the nurses on the ward are actually pretty awful to me and say and write nasty things about me so I know those ones might be annoyed if I get a bed. When I was very unwell one time I caught someone saying "there's nothing even wrong with her" in a nasty way in conversation with his colleague and then he started shouting at me because I had heard it. He said "and here she comes with a smirk on her face like something's funny" (I was crying not smirking). Anyway...it's hard to let that go.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think I might say to them to take me off the waiting list. It's absolutely pointless, I've been mostly fine all this time. Seeing a CPN this afternoon.
My new meds were in the chemist this morning but they were the ones I asked not to be prescribed. So I took them back to the chemist and will see what the CPN says this afternoon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The CPN wants to keep me on the list for a bed, she thinks it will help me get better more quickly than in the community. There are absolutely no beds in the three hospitals in my area though and all of the hospitals have people on their waiting lists. The psychiatrist is reading through my notes to figure out which med is best to prescribe me, the prescription for the med I asked not to have went through before he knew that it wasn't a good one for me.
Done something to the burn that the men told me to do to grow the non-human parts inside me. The CPN said that might cause an infection but I have to keep it like that for now. Will sort it out before my appointment to get the dressing changed because it would kind of be embarrassing for the nurse to see what I've done.
I've to see the duty CPN on Saturday but I'm really uncomfortable with that because I've only met this person once and the time I met her I was talking about something really awful so I associate her with that time and that's all she knows of me so she will be thinking about that too. I said to the CPN I saw today that I don't really know this other CPN and she said that we had met once before a long time ago (the current CPN was also there) so she remembers that but I didn't want to say the real reason why I didn't want to see her. My fault for being a horrible person, so I deserve to feel uncomfortable.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I dodged the appointment today. When I phoned I got through to the other CPN who is on this weekend so that was a bit easier. I'm seeing my own CPN on Monday so he was fine with me not coming to my appointment today. He asked something about how I feel about having struggled and waiting for a bed all this time, I'm not entirely sure what the question meant, but I said I think that if a bed was offered to me right now I'd say no to it and that I will discuss this with my CPN on Monday. I'm not sure if hospital can even offer anything much now. It would have been helpful earlier on in this process. Hopefully my CPN will be able to guide me with the decision because I know that I keep yo-yoing between thinking I can cope at home and then thinking everything is awful and I need to be in hospital. Life is one huge fight.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
As Tamo said you do deserve help no matter what and I really hope talking things through with your CPN who you know well and knows you well will help clear some things in your head for you.
Why does life have to be such a struggle? There is always a huge battle inside myself. I can't seem to find anything I can focus on that interests me so that's making things feel worse.
I saw my CPN and she was mostly ok with me deciding not to go into hospital. I have things on this week and she's going to see me next week but I can phone her any time and she is also willing to increase my support if I need it. She is great. But I can't phone...
Round and round this rubbish continues. Having to fight so much when it's completely pointless. There is no real relief.
Trapped.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah my CPN knows my difficulties with phone calls.
The CMHT phoned me today (I answered) and told me there is a bed available for me in hospital tomorrow. Well they said today and then phoned back and said oops it's tomorrow. My CPN has had to go off sick and the CPN I spoke to said she thinks it would be beneficial for me to accept the bed. I've only just told my brother I'm not being admitted. I don't know how to decide what to do, I said ok I'll give it a go and come home early if it's not needed, but then they phoned back and said it's not available until tomorrow so they will phone me in the morning and see what I think. I was unprepared for that call and I still feel unprepared even to make a decision overnight. It's all absolutely hopeless really. I wish someone would just kill me. Life is too much of a fight.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
