I May Feel Like Dying, But I Choose To Live
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere in Texas
I am currently:
Hi there, I'm Typopath, and I'm relatively new to this kind of thing. Anyhow, introductions aside, I have a few concerns for myself. I am not asking for a diagnosis of any kind, but I do just want to get it off of my chest. If I'm not posting in the right forum, please, direct me to the correct forum then. I don't want any trouble on here.
Back to the topic.
1] Concerning sleep patterns. This is one that gets to me a lot, but not as much as other things. Allow me to explain.
As of recently, aka the past two months, I have had some disturbances in my sleep, that may be outwardly be caused by electronic usage times or other things, but it's mainly a concern because of what happened a month ago. I slept, and slept, and slept. I'd go to sleep for twelve hours, I'd be up for four, and then I'd feel so intensely tired that I would go back to sleep for another twelve, be up for four, and the cycle would thereon continue like clockwork. This happened for three days in a row before I instantly reverted to my regular sleeping schedule, which is already disturbed.
My average sleep cycle consists of 11 to 15 hours of wake time, excluding today [six in the morning as of writing this], and then twelve to fifteen hours of down time. When there are disturbances in my sleep, one of these increases dramatically, and the other decreases dramatically. Due to this, I have reasonable concerns about my sleep patterns, and as of tonight, I feel afraid to sleep because I got a very bad feeling something was going to happen, or is going to happen.
2] Depressions. This is one that concerns me the most.
For the past seven to nine months, I've had depressive episodes that range in severity and length, but usually last for one week to three months. These episodes have lead me to self-harm, but I'm not here to discuss that. [If I wanted to, I would have posted in the separate forum for that, and still might.] I was a 'victim' of cyber-bullying at the time, and once I finally stopped it, the damage had been done, and I had a mental collapse. It started as episodes of manic highs and depressive lows, and then turned into full-on depression, with the very rare good day shoved in between the episodes.
Life feels empty and meaningless some days, and other days life feels like it's just a little more worth living. The only reason I'm still here is because of my girlfriend and my family, and the intense fear and guilt. S'not like I really want to kill myself anyway, I want to live, but I also feel hopeless and just want this war to be over with.
Anyhow, 'nough with the sob-story. After all of this took place, over the past six months, I've had suicidal tendencies, and have asked my parents to go to therapy multiple times, to which I am refused. They believe it correlates to the fact that I am going through puberty, but that isn't the case. I get comments like I only get 'depressed' around my menstural times, and I get kind of irritated with those every time. S'not like I'm fighting a war over here every single day or anything, guys! Nope, m'perfectly fine!!!
3] Selective Empathy and Sympathy. This is another large concern. My Empathy and Sympathy are entirely selective to those I feel a deep connection with, limited to my mother, my father, and my girlfriend. Anyone else, I don't care if I hurt, or if I make them cry. I can't put myself in their shoes and I can't feel any remorse for them, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes this can be scary for myself, and I beat myself up constantly about the fact that I can care for a select few people, but the rest I wouldn't care if they lived or if they died.
This is terrifying.
These are all of the things I wanted to talk about. Again, if this meets more of the criteria for another forum aside from this one, please let me know, and I will delete this post and move it to another forum page.