The Monster Inside (Triggering)
It's been a while since I've been on this website, and for that reason, I do not remember if I discussed my exceedingly worsening anger management issues. For years, I have had issues maintaining control over my anger and frustration with others and myself. For the most part, it was never anything too bad, I would just make foolish desisions while angry, whether it be hurting myself or other people. However, there was a time where I suppose I completely lost control. I do not remember anything that happened. I became aware of my surroundings at an asylum near me. I had no recollection of anything I'd done, but apparently I had attempted to kill a member of my own family. I later discovered that I had also at some point cut myself. Now, obviously, this is incredibly worrying to me. While it was over a year ago, and nothing even close to it has happened since, it is incredibly disturbing that I could have potentially killed someone without making the conscious decision, if I had not been stopped. I likely would not have even remembered doing it. While I mentioned this to the therapist at the asylum, I have never mentioned it to any therapist outside of the asylum, nor anyone for that matter. Because of this, I have many-a-time wondered what is wrong with me. At that point in my life, it was the peak of my emotional distress, a point where I felt as though there were no escape from my situation, and I had nothing to loose. I also had very little emotions in general. I remember feeling like an empty husk of person, who felt no joy or empathy, and rarely anger. Since then, my situation, and mental health, has gotten substantially better, with many of my emotions returning. However, I still occasionally see shadows of this old version of myself, moments where I feel myself beginning to loose control, or time seems to skip over small moments where I get angry. Is this something typical, where I simply need to get more control over my emotions, or is there a deeper underlying problem, some form of disassociation, or mental illness, that is causing this? I do not like talking about it, as I do feel it makes me sound a bit of a sociopath, and I am not proud of what I've done in the past, but I do not want to risk something happening in the future where I loose control, and do something, whether it be to myself or someone else, that I would regret. Is this something I should try to solve myself, or risk getting an expert involved on, and take the chance of being sent back to an asylum? Is it perhaps something that just happened in the heat of the moment, and, since it has not happened in over a year, I should not be worried?