Well she didn't understand about me not being real, but then I wrote down his name and what he did.
It's clear to us both that I'm struggling to connect the definition to the word. I wrote it down and froze. I dug my nails into my skin and had a panic attack and there s a bit I don't remember and she had to do breathing exercises with me.
Did he have sex with me without my consent - yes
Can I see in my head I was raped - no.
It must be terrifying to face this reality, and I can understand not wanting to use the label for what happened because that gives it an even clearer definition. It sounds like you also feel like you have to hide what he has done from some people, that's a huge thing. What do you think would happen if you told his Mum etc?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Not really :/ My writing is my distraction - I write poetry - and so I don't want to let him have any part of my writing, that's my safe thing and I don't want to intentionally think/write about what he did.
Yes, that is totally understandable and sensible I think. If writing is good for you then you don't want to be making it into something traumatic. Maybe there will come a time when you do feel able to express things through writing some way.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This week was a really hard session and I said the thing for the first time. It sent me into a fully dissociated state. m not always aware that its happening until afterwards, which is sometimes hours, sometimes days and I know it concerns people because I’m so glazed over. My friend says its like I’m not there - which I wasn’t in my therapy session either. I’m missing a huge chunk of my day, I remember hearing her ask how to pull me out and every sound she made made me jump but I couldn’t move or reply. I went to a yoga class and really concerned and worried my teacher too �� but there’s a huge chunk I don’t remember �� I know we talked about reporting it tho? I’m trying to write down what happened after my session so she knows this week
I can imagine it definitely wouldn't feel ok saying it at this point. That was brave of you to manage though. Writing stuff down is a very good idea. Do you think your therapist could help you work on strategies to manage your dissociation or is that not what she's there for?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
She’s not actually a therapist, she’s a sexual health counsellor but I say therapy as it’s easier. I only have 6 sessions left and I need to focus on what happened really x
Maybe she or your GP would be able to refer you on to a therapist if they thought it might be useful at the end of your sessions. Do you think you might want to try further therapy?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm avoiding my GP at the moment, I live in a small village so I can't go see someone else, but they refused my meds without a med review (which is fine and I have no problem with) but they have no appointments until September so they're happy to leave me "mentally unstable" with no meds until then. I'm currently fighting them to give me enough meds until September - I've been on them years though so it's not like its a new medication.
You don't sound negative, you're being honest about your feelings and that's ok. I wish you had a good supportive person there for you. Could you ask the counsellor if she'd be able to sort out a further referral or something?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
