Dependence

[Aubergine]

I am reliant on my mother for so many things. She:

- Helps me clean my flat once a week
- Takes me to the supermarket once a week
- Listens to my hysterical breakdowns at midnight, about once a fortnight
- Lends me money sometimes
- Takes me to appointments
- Picks me up from work
- Takes me to work when things are really difficult
- Let's me stay at hers if I feel unsafe

I'm 28 and feel mightily stupid for relying on her so much. I have schizoaffective disorder and that makes some things hard to do, but it doesn't mean I should use my Mum like this.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can stop being such a burden? I can't work it out.

[Shenanigans]

There's nothing stupid about needing help from those we love and who love us. I can understand that you may be looking for a bit more independence from this routine to help you feel a little less reliant on your mum and more reliant on yourself.
I notice that a lot of the things you've listed are travel related, do you have your own transport/can use public transport safely or am I just noticing a coincidence?
Have you spoken to your mum about how you're feeling? Perhaps you could both work out something together?

[Pi.R^2]

From an outside perspective, I don't think it sounds like you're a burden at all, or that you 'use' her. And I'm even more certain that your mother wouldn't feel that way!

I don't have any mental health problems any more, but I'm still super reliant on my partner for a lot of things, just because I'm quite scatty. In any relationship, be it partners or parent-child, people do stuff for each other when needed and that's just fine.

Instead of berating yourself for needing some help with things, what about putting a positive spin on it and doing something to let your mum know how grateful you are for her support?

[Aubergine]

Thank you so much. :)

I can't drive because the DVLA revoked my license. Public transport is good around here, but I get so anxious about using it.

With things like appointments, I just wouldn't go. I have to be held accountable by my Mum, or I would ignore the fact that I have one. It's terrible, and I know I should take more responsibility, but it's hard.

With cleaning, I don't see the mess. I get overwhelmed and it's difficult. I like the idea of having phone calls and messages to my Mum, Auror. I think that could work well and will mention it to my Mum.

Supermarkets make me super anxious and I just won't do it on my own. I also have trouble knowing what to buy, so Mum helps me with a list. I've been alone before and had to abandon my trolley. Failed there.

I do well in some respects. I hold down a part-time job and I pay all of my bills myself. I have become a lot more responsible in the last year. It's just tough.

I like the idea of doing something for my Mum, Narcissa. I could send her some flowers or get her a card. :)

[Morpheus]

I have two helpers who has been hired to help me do many of the things you described. They dont do it for me but help me, both to take some load off my parents but also so that in the end, i will be able to do it myself hopefully. I have had them for years and depending on how much i am struggling, i get more or less hours a week. At a time i had one, once a week. Now i have two, 3 times a week but i also had 3 every day at a period. Its all according to my needs. If i dont feel up for doing anything specific we go for a walk or talk.

Like you i was extremely dependant on my parents for many years. I still am more than most people my age. I am 26. But now even though i spend time with my mum a couple of times a week, its because i want to and to do things we both wanna do. Not because we need to for me to survive. My helpers are taking over so that i can spend time with my parents because i want to, not because i am sick if that makes sense. I have a very close relationship with my parents so i could not imagine not seeing them a couple of times a week but its nice that my well being is not their responsibility alone when i am struggling. Today i went to a farm with them, talked to the animals there and bought eggs, meat, potatoes etc. Where if i didnt have my helpers, my parents wouldnt have the energy to do the fun things if they had to do the practical things all the time. So leaving some of the responsibility to others makes our relationship more fun and just better. Of course they listen when i need to talk and mymum goes to most of my appointments with me because i tend to not remember half of the things said and i feel safe having her with me but if she, for some reason, cant come i have my helpers who gladly go with me and support me.

I can understand wanting to be more independant so maybe you can look into similar offers where you live? I know it has been very helpful for me, even though trusting them has been difficult and letting them into my life. Sometimes it stresses me if i am struggling but as they say, they are here for me, on my terms so if i just want company and sit in silence, thats what we do. I just need to express my needs.

Thats what i would recommend anyway. Even if your mum doesnt see you as a burden (which im sure she doesnt) i get that it can get hard for her as well and you can easily end up feeling that way so to have a professional to contact instead will at least help on the feeling of being a burden to your family. Also they are in the system so whatever you need, they know a lot more of who to contact to get that etc. And then you can spend your time doing the fun things with your mum, things you both enjoy rather than practical things to ensure your survival.