Anorexia to binge eating disorder

[ED1989]

I’m writing this in complete desperation. For all my adult life I’ve had an eating disorder, most of that time anorexia. But over the last 2 years I’ve developed binge eating disorder. I’ve gone from being extremely underweight to overweight and nothing I do seems to be helping. I’m sure it’s beginning to affect my physical health. I bought a home blood pressure monitor and my blood pressure is really high. I dread to think what my cholesterol levels are like and am worried I have/will develop diabetes.

Im in total turmoil. The level of shame and disgust I feel after another day spent binging is difficult to describe (it happens every day now). It is all tied up in old anorexic feelings too, that this is the antithesis of my anorexia mindset and is everything I feared about gaining weight and not being able to stop for so many years. I have had to spend £100s on new clothes and underwear. Every time I think I’ve gone up a size and this will be where I stop, I don’t, within a couple of months the clothes no longer fit me and I have to buy new, bigger ones again. I think part of this change from anorexia to binge eating disorder has been due to the pandemic. I didn’t leave my flat for months and just got into some really bad habits with food that I’m now finding impossible to break. Whether it’s anorexia or now BED, I have always had a very complicated relationship with food.

I know I should see a medical professional about this but I just can’t right now. Really, I just can’t. The pandemic hasn’t helped because all my appointments with the psychiatrist are over the phone and they don’t see all the weight I’ve gained. Im too ashamed to talk about it to anyone. I know I should but please, if possible, don’t suggest I do because it is beyond me right now.

Is there anything I can do to help myself? I have tried all the ‘tips’ that online articles give you: trying to eat healthy, not dieting, eating breakfast, exercising etc. But so far nothing seems to work.

Thank you for reading.

[Auror.]

One thing I want to say is that this is actually very common to switch from a restrictive eating disorder to an overeating one. I've dealt with similar and I know of others who have too. It's very difficult to deal with and I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

When you say you can't talk to anyone, does that also mean a therapist or dietician would not be possible for you either? Because those would be my biggest suggestions, but if you don't feel able to do that I do understand. I also understand why you don't feel okay bringing it up to a medical professional (I am in a similar place with only having virtual appointments so I get why this is hard), but I do think it would be important to check if there are underlying medical issues going on too. If you felt able to at any point.

It's a bit hard to know what to say if you're not able to talk to anyone about it, and it's not something you're able to cope with on your own. That must be leaving you feeling really suck. The main thing I know is that eating enough regularly is important, but I don't know what more to say beyond professional support, since we don't know your medical history nor can we tell you what to eat.

I would like to point out that posting about it on here IS talking to others about it! So maybe you are a lot braver than you are giving yourself credit for.

[Elmer]

^all of this.

Also, when I started recovery and my hunger cues came back, my 'binges' were out of control. My treatment team weren't all that helpful with it but looking back, I actually needed to allow myself to eat like that. I needed to physically but also mentally - I needed to show myself that the world didn't end, and, very importantly, that I was allowed to eat as normal after an episode when I ate 'too much'. Because I spent so long saying 'I binged so I have to compensate' I actually 'overate' more.
Your body is going through a healing process but so is your mind, and as long as you keep telling yourself 'this is the last time' 'I have to eat less' 'I have to compensate because I binged', your body and mind will carry on fighting you because it's a survival instinct, and for me anyway, I always react to mental restriction as extremely as physical restriction.
Give yourself grace, forgive the binges, keep feeding yourself as if you were feeding someone you love. It sounds so simple, and of course it's easier said than done, but it is worth it. Detaching my worth from my weight/food intake is still a work in progress, but it is so incredibly liberating.

You deserve to be fed, no matter how much you ate yesterday, or for lunch, or in the middle of the night. You don't have to believe it immediately, but the longer you behave as if you do, the easier it will be. I promise, the world does not end.

You also deserve care and treatment from professionals, and I really hope that you get it.

That was a ramble, but I think that practicing self-compassion (whether or not you believe it is deserved) is for many people the hardest, but most important step that must be taken, and it is always a work in progress.

[Auror.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elmer

Your body is going through a healing process but so is your mind, and as long as you keep telling yourself 'this is the last time' 'I have to eat less' 'I have to compensate because I binged', your body and mind will carry on fighting you because it's a survival instinct, and for me anyway, I always react to mental restriction as extremely as physical restriction.

holy crap yes this. i didn't have words for this. but i've never heard it called mental restriction before. thank you for explaining.

But yes Elmer's words are also wise.

[Han7777777]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Anorexia recovery is ****ing hard like nothing else. I agree with all above. Your body needs this, even if your mind disagrees.

I wrote a poem when I was in anorexia recovery. I feel to share it in case it’s helpful xxx

I didn’t see it at first
Creeping in with its lies
It promised control
A way to survive

“If you lose just enough
You might disappear
And along with your body
The anguish and fear”

But no matter how thin
No matter how small
It is never enough
I’m starting to fall

The commands become louder
They scream in my head
“Fat, dirty, disgusting”
I cannot forget

Isolated and lost
Distressed and alone
Only comforted by
My protruding bones

So worthless, so dirty
I despise being seen
Never empty enough
How I yearn to be clean

The pain overwhelms me
Consumes every breath
Conflicted, tormented
Starving to death

These constant demands
Destroying my soul
Yet accomplishing them
Is my only goal

As my weight plummets
I’m finally numb
Identity lost

Anorexia won

——

Then a glimmer of hope
Could I one day be free?
But I cannot let go
So ashamed and guilty

Guilt when I starve
Guilt when I eat
Completely consumed
Drowned in defeat

The recovery battle is
Frightening, unknown
Hunger relentless
Fighting control

Those walking beside me
Show me the way
Weight restoration essential
Tiny steps every day

Clear thinking returns
The distortion now plain
I begin to rebuild
My life once again

[Susu.]

This thread is everything I’m going through too, I can’t see a way out ��

[sandalwood]

I can relate to your thread, ED1989.

I used to be very underweight and now am overweight because of a more bulimic type of disorder.

What helped me during the years where I've been overweight was self-acceptance. I found that when I accepted that I was going to be a certain weight and size (a bigger one) that I could enjoy life more. And when that happened other types of healing came into place like eating healthier and exercising. It is hard to accept an overweight size, (with cultural norms, past eating disorder) but it's something that was kind of liberating after having a certain standard that I pursued for so long.

I suggest having regular blood tests and see a doctor about your blood pressure. I developed diabetes and although its not the end of the world, medication can be needed in certain situations.

I don't know where you are but I found help was lacking when I asked for help from the eating disorder service because I wasn't throwing up as I used to.

Self expression of disgust and shame you feel might help too. You sound like you're carrying a lot emotionally on your shoulders.