Struggling with urges to SI. *abuse trigger warning
My name is Lea and I have been SI free for about 6 years but have recently really been struggling. A lot has been going on with my family and every day has been filled with fighting and stress. Many of my family members are angry with each other and they all seem to be leaning on me for support. I am not handling this well and the urges to SI have been getting very strong. I feel like I am abandoning my family if I tell them I donít want to or canít support them right now. I am being placed in the middle and do not know what to do.
I finally got my life on track and calm but because my sibling decided to share about our past and the sexual abuse we encountered as children, my life has been turned upside down. I donít know how to cope with this or how to feel. I did not know my older sister was abused by the same person, now I have mixed feelings. I am angry because she never said anything when it happened to her and then it happened to me and feel bad for being angry because I also understand how hard it is to talk about. I am angry that she told everyone my personal business without asking but also relieved itís no longer hidden. I am overwhelmed, anxious, and terrified because everything I have pushed down and sealed in a box has been opened back up. I donít talk about this, I pushed it down and pretended it never happened. It feels like now it has blown up in my face.
I am terrified to lose the battle against these urges and be back at stage 1. I donít have anyone to talk to about this and feel like Iím drowning. Any advice on what to do would be extremely appreciated.