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Old 04-04-2020, 09:28 PM   #1
Shadowy Star
 
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Adult - I failed, after 12+ years.. [Triggering - SI, ED, (mild) Abuse]

I have always struggled, since I was a kid. I don't really know what happy is, but I learned to function and hide so much of myself, so I don't hurt people I care about (and who seem to care about me). I'm in my mid-30's now, and have not self injured in well over 12 years - not even a scratch. I thought I'd never have to come back here, and managed to figure out a way to cope. It wasn't really living, by most people's standards, but I got by and made things work. I learned to accept what I did when I was younger, and learned how to okay not covering up every single scar I have.

I have talked to some of my doctors, and admitted I'm struggling, but only get blown off. The problem is they see me as coping very well considering what life's thrown at me (two major, life changing medical issues diagnosed, and new medications started in the last few months), and thus some level of depression/anxiety is just expected due to these issues.

Yet, something in me broke last night. I've been struggling so much lately. In addition to the health issues, I broke off a somewhat of an emotionally abusive 6+ year relationship and moved out in the last few months. Which was hard, but necessary.. But I am now essentially completely isolated thanks to the virus outbreak, and my support systems are in shatters (I was not able to rebuild them between moving out/breaking up and the virus breakout). I am forcing myself to eat, but in the last few weeks it's become a double edge sword because also now eating meals insulin (autoimmune diabetic now). If I know if I eat less, then there are less injections (insulin is new) - and it's such an easy trap to fall into.

It has always been hard, but I had managed to find ways to cope, even if there was always that siren's call to cut in the back of my mind. But it's not working so well now. I knew I shouldn't, I know where this all can lead and how quickly it can spin out of control. I know it starts out small, and so easily balloons over time - and I have the scars to remind me how bad things can get for me personally.

Yet, I still failed.. I cut, for the first time in over 12 years.

I just... I feel lost. I feel like I utterly failed and threw away so many years of, well, I don't have a better word for it than "sobriety". I failed, and I failed hard, and all I feel is shame and regret. I feel broken.


Note: please don't suggest anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. While I am fully aware I suffer from depression with anxiety - that I am a functioning depressive that can hold down a job and appear normal on the outside. I've never had luck with therapists not making me feel worse either, and I've been through many.
I have an underlying diagnosis that suggests the underlying cause is a non-standard malfunction with non-typical neurotransmitters in my central nervous system (that I would rather not have to explain), that affects me both mentally and physically. Most SSRI's and other standard drugs will actually make things worse, and do damage - I am being treated for it by a neurologist, but there's only so much that can be done and it's progressive.

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Old 04-04-2020, 10:17 PM   #2
nonperson
 
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Hi. I'm sorry things are bad right now. 12 years free and only one slip up in all that time is an amazing achievement if you look at it that way.

I don't really know what to suggest that might be useful but if you want help with insulin stuff then don't hesitate to ask me (also diabetic on insulin for as long as I can remember).

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Old 04-04-2020, 11:09 PM   #3
Shadowy Star
 
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Hi. I'm sorry things are bad right now. 12 years free and only one slip up in all that time is an amazing achievement if you look at it that way.

I don't really know what to suggest that might be useful but if you want help with insulin stuff then don't hesitate to ask me (also diabetic on insulin for as long as I can remember).
Falling after 12 years is hard to get back up from. Plus, it's not a single slip up. It's feels like a freaking addiction, even during those 12 years I managed through. I just, I feel like I failed so much.

Things are easily patched up right now, I very much know how to care for myself safely, and I am fully aware of when professional medical care is required. But I also know the effect of time on all this - longer means things get worse. I started down this road before I was even a pre-teen, so I'm very aware of where everything can lead and turn out, and I've had my share of scares. And the isolation doesn't help any of this.

As far as the insulin stuff - I was misdiagnosed as T2, but started losing control of my BG recently and things started spiraling. Nothing worked - not diet, not exercise, losing weight - just kept getting worse and kept getting yelled at. It sucks being an adult and getting a non-standard version of a disease (LADA, rather than simply T1), and then incorrect treatment. I just got told to keep eating healthier and stuff about portion control. So I eventually did the only thing I could to keep things under control - I went on a severely restricted, extremely unhealthy diet cutting anything that spiked me to stop crazy high spikes (200-300+). This turned out as well as expected - put myself into ketosis with vitamin deficiencies (thankfully, no DKA, but none of this was helped by the fact I have a history of ED and my doctor was aware of this).

My doctor nearly flipped out they saw me at my follow-up (despite me sending them monthly messages of exactly what I was doing and why, and asking for help; I think they realized they screwed up). So now I'm trying to relearn that it's okay to eat carbs. But still "honeymooning" so it's hell to figure out because sometimes things are fine, and others a single banana sends me shooting into the sky. Sometimes it just seems easier to just not eat, or eat less, than play the guessing game of "how much will it take to correct". It's just hard.

And my other disorder causes severe pain, muscle spasms and is slowly taking away my mobility. Some days, I just wish I didn't wake up.


Last edited by Shadowy Star : 04-04-2020 at 11:14 PM. Reason: fixing typo and clarification in second paragraph
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Old 05-04-2020, 10:10 AM   #4
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Well, I don't have your nervous system disorder, but we do have a few things in common. We both have similar join dates. Both in our mid 30s, though you've done a hell of a lot better than me with no SI for 12 years! I have a couple of years, but nowhere near that long. From the sound of it, we've both had similar experiences with therapists. We're both 'functional depressives' and we're both diabetic, though I'm type 1, not LADA.

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear you say you've failed, by which I mean not that you've SIed, but that you are viewing this as failure. It's NOT. Look at how much you have to cope with at the moment. If I slipped up now - and God do I want to, otherwise I wouldn't be back on this page again - I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be blaming myself. I'd be looking at it as a necessary step that I needed to pick myself back up and try again. Life at the moment is hard and we all need to get by the best we can - that is not a recommendation to SI, believe me, none of us want to go there when we're in the right frame of mind. But you need to stop beating yourself up over this. Use the mistake as an incentive to pick yourself up and not go back to that way of life. This will not last forever and things will get better, you just need to sit it out.

The diabetes, that sucks. Add into it an eating issue... yeah, Ive been there too and now is not the time to get yourself put in hopital with DKA - I've nearly died of that more ghan once without added virus! Medical advice on diabetes is usually, in my experience, shoddy - ill informed, unrealistic, downright negligent, oh I could go on! If you've got problems with your control, unless you're deliberately doing the opposite of what you should be doing, that is not your fault either. Blame the idiot medical professionals and occasionally, the condition just likes to do something unusual and bite you in the butt for reasons you can't fathom. This is NOT your fault. There is a really helpful forum on the diabetes UK site, much better than most of the professionals give it a look if you need help.

Don't say you've failed, you really haven't, all you've done is take a single step back after 12 years of walking forward xx



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Old 06-04-2020, 09:35 AM   #5
Shadowy Star
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ginny View Post
Well, I don't have your nervous system disorder, but we do have a few things in common. We both have similar join dates. Both in our mid 30s, though you've done a hell of a lot better than me with no SI for 12 years! I have a couple of years, but nowhere near that long. From the sound of it, we've both had similar experiences with therapists. We're both 'functional depressives' and we're both diabetic, though I'm type 1, not LADA.

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear you say you've failed, by which I mean not that you've SIed, but that you are viewing this as failure. It's NOT. Look at how much you have to cope with at the moment. If I slipped up now - and God do I want to, otherwise I wouldn't be back on this page again - I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be blaming myself. I'd be looking at it as a necessary step that I needed to pick myself back up and try again. Life at the moment is hard and we all need to get by the best we can - that is not a recommendation to SI, believe me, none of us want to go there when we're in the right frame of mind. But you need to stop beating yourself up over this. Use the mistake as an incentive to pick yourself up and not go back to that way of life. This will not last forever and things will get better, you just need to sit it out.

The diabetes, that sucks. Add into it an eating issue... yeah, Ive been there too and now is not the time to get yourself put in hopital with DKA - I've nearly died of that more ghan once without added virus! Medical advice on diabetes is usually, in my experience, shoddy - ill informed, unrealistic, downright negligent, oh I could go on! If you've got problems with your control, unless you're deliberately doing the opposite of what you should be doing, that is not your fault either. Blame the idiot medical professionals and occasionally, the condition just likes to do something unusual and bite you in the butt for reasons you can't fathom. This is NOT your fault. There is a really helpful forum on the diabetes UK site, much better than most of the professionals give it a look if you need help.

Don't say you've failed, you really haven't, all you've done is take a single step back after 12 years of walking forward xx
I'm glad you don't have a neurological disorder. I hope no one has the one I do - it's awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I don't know if I can say I did better than you. My join date is about when things started spiraling out of control last time (and I think it was ruin when I originally joined, this is just the user name I remember). I only stopped 12 years ago because I went too far, and scared even myself. It was a huge wake-up call, involved the ER, and I will carry my scars for the rest of my life. I found ways to cope, and keep my mind off things, as well as keeping nothing that would trigger me - I had a friend get rid of everything. I had just gotten okay with wearing t-shirts in the last five years.

Why would I not blame myself? I'm the one that went out and got my SI tools of choice. I made a series of bad choices, and could have stopped at many different points, and didn't. And 12 years is a long time to break, and there's no one to blame but me.

The self-isolation with COVID-19, on top of everything else, was likely what tipped me over the edge. I have since reach out for help to some friends, so they're aware, and have access to my CGM data to tell if I'm cheating, and can handle helping me get through both pieces, while understanding I can't promise I won't screw up again. I'm made it through Day 1, starting Day 2.

I could have said nothing - no one would have known, but I know how that would turn out. So I found ways to put myself accountable, before things spiral past 2 slip ups that are easily patched up. I know I can't put this fully back together by myself.

My pancreas still functions just enough I'm not at massive risk of DKA yet, at least. But long term, LADA generally becomes T1, it's just a slower process (with a honeymoon last years to decades). I also got caught very early to the point I've never been above an a1c of 7 (yet still constantly yelled at I wasn't trying hard enough every time it went up, because initially they thought it was T2, and thus "my fault"). It can be controlled for a period with diet/exercise, but slowly what you can actually eat gets narrower and narrower and you have to start cutting things out to manage - until it's obvious even that no longer is enough. Then you get insulin, but you're still honeymooning, so it's like having an RNG for a pancreas (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't). It's a perfect storm to trigger for eating issues.

Do you have a link for the UK site...?


Last edited by Shadowy Star : 06-04-2020 at 09:37 AM. Reason: fixed a typo in first paragraph
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Old 06-04-2020, 11:33 AM   #6
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I still believe you haven't failed. It's so difficult not to be hard on yourself though, I understand that. Yes, you made a series of bad decisions, yes you could have stopped yourself at any point but where does that blame get you now? We're all in control of our own actions, we all make bad choices from time to time. What matters is how you move on from it. It's in your power to make good decisions too and regret can actually be a helpful emotion to help avoid those bad choices again. And it sounds like you're doing some really positive things now to help yourself. It's great that you've opened up to some friends, I hope they can help you, and admitting you can't do this alone is a very difficult but brave step.

I have to admit I don't know much about LADA. It's sad that there are still so many assumptions made about diabetes though. None of it is your fault and from the numbers you've given it sounds like you're actually doing quite well! At least I think you are and that counts for more than the opinion of judgemental doctors. =) It's also great that you have CGM too, that's so helpful if you can get it.

Sorry to butt in on Ginny's excellent advice, I know you posed the question to her but this is the Diabetes UK website: https://www.diabetes.org.uk/

And this is another one that has an excellent community and forum with lots of international members too, and also lots of recipe ideas, if that's useful to you: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/

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Old 06-04-2020, 11:48 PM   #7
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Hate to gang up on you, but I still believe you haven't failed too 😛 the trick is to keep telling yourself that until you believe it... or at least until you can pretend you believe it... that's what I do. And it works... eventually... ish. Don't make the mistake of thinking you've lost those 12 years, they are still there and you should be so proud of them. Just work towards having another day to be proud of, and then another, day by day. I sound mushy, but honestly, I do think of things this way. Really glad to hear you're getting some help.

I know a little about LADA. Always thought it sounded worse than type 1 because it's more unpredictable! I know there are a few on the diabetes forum with it, so might be able to offer some guidance. Glad nonperson has given you the links. The forum can be a bit of a bugger to find on the diabetes uk page, but if you type 'forum' into the search box, you'll get there. Will try a direct link, not sure if it will work ...
https://forum.diabetes.org.uk/boards...AEgL61_D_ BwE
Lets face it, the condition is the same whether you're UK or abroad, might just need a converter to understand the levels.



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Old 18-04-2020, 12:09 PM   #8
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(Also 30 and recently back here after several years)

I don't really have much helpful advice to give but I want to say something.

You have every right (and full permission if you feel you need it) to be upset and frustrated that you broke 12 years clean. I think I would be upset with myself too, yet if it was someone else, like this is you, I would just be thinking about how much of a badass you are for resisting for 12 years when it could have been 8 years or 6 years or 4 days (which also take mind blowing amounts of strength)

One of the best tools I've learnt over the years, one of the most comforting things is learning to forgive myself. Seeing different emotions and behaviours as a bit separate and allowing them all to express themselves without judging them. What if that particular emotional part of you is the 5 year old little you who was maybe scared or felt unheard for example and she has hurt herself because she felt lost. Would you ever shout at child? Or would you try to understand her? Maybe you would hold her and tell her that it's ok because you are going to take care of her and not let anyone say mean things to her.

There is a reason why you cut after all this time. And it doesn't mean you're a failure. You needed something that you couldn't find elsewhere in the moment so don't be too angry at yourself for needing something. Go easy on yourself. I think you're brilliant

Mx


Last edited by MeganAlmighty : 18-04-2020 at 12:12 PM. Reason: Spelling and incorrect auto correct


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