Hi Ford,
Promises can be difficult things to keep, especially when it's do with self harm as you use it as a coping mechanism. Your friend obviously cares about you a lot and you clearly care about your friend too so I'm sure your friend would understand that you slipped up. Do you feel able to speak to your friend and tell them that you have slipped up with your promise?
For me, making promises doesn't work. I find they create an awful lot of pressure which stresses me out and can lead to more feelings of self harm as I'm concentrating so hard on not self harming. Instead of promising not to self harm, you could promise your friend that you will try and learn new methods of coping and reduce the amount you self harm? Eventually you will be able to stop completely but you can't put pressure on yourself, it has to be when you are ready and when you feel able to give it up.
Guilt is a horrible feeling to have and it's a catch-22 situation. You're feeling guilty for self harming and because you're feeling bad you may resort to self harming again to get rid of these feelings? You need to put the event behind you, although I know that's so much easier said than done. You made a mistake by self harming but you haven't done it to purposely hurt anyone else other than yourself. Your friend wouldn't want you to feel guilty, they just want to see you happy.
It sounds as if appointments can trigger you quite majorly, maybe because they stress you out or bring up things you find difficult to cope with? It's similar for a lot of people but you need a new way of coping with this, rather than resorting to self harm. Could a friend stay over at your house after your session? Maybe just go out for a meal with them or to the cinema to distract yourself from the thoughts in your head? In the morning, when you are feeling unwell - get out of the house. Don't stay in bed and focus on the bad thoughts, you need to get yourself to a place where you can't self harm. Do something to relieve the tension, perhaps go to the gym or go for a run. If you are creative you could write how you are feeling or draw it. Find the method that works for you. There is so much you can do. Don't give up yet, you have plenty of chances to stick to your promise :)
Lotti x
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