I used to be quite an active member on here. I stopped coming on when I "got better". I have been (well, had I guess) almost 9 years self harm free and was doing really well.
Two years ago my mental health went really downhill and fast. It started off as not being able to sleep and feeling anxious during the night. I then went on holiday and spent the whole time there crying and planning how to harm myself. I was in a really bad way. I came home and knew I had to see my doctor. I was prescribed some medication. Went back a few weeks later and was prescribed some different medication which I have been on since. It was really helping until recently.
It seemed to start after Christmas and I don't know what triggered it. I have been signed off work. I struggle to leave the house, I struggle to do anything. I am so mentally drained and exhausted. I really don't want to be here anymore. I ruined my 9 years of being SH free by cutting my arm and needing stitches. I feel flat a lot of the time. I don't want to leave bed and dread everything, things that used to make me feel happy before.
I feel mortified, I feel a failure, I should be better by now. I was doing so well. Right now I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am getting help but I don't feel any better. I wanted to die really badly yesterday, considered getting myself to A&E before I hurt myself but managed to calm myself down and went to bed where I was for the rest of the day.
The twist is that I am marrying a psychiatrist in just under a year. He is an amazing man. He loves me dearly and does all he can to help me. But I feel ashamed, I am mortified to be feeling this way. I can't explain why, I just feel I shouldn't feel like this. I am so so ashamed and feel that things would be better without me here.
Last week I was assaulted by a family member. This has been the final straw. My feelings have been awful ever since. I haven't told anyone. I just never want to see this person again. I have no family left though. Literally no family. My friends and family don't want to know me anymore.
I do not know what to do. I am too scared to hurt myself but worry that one day I will. I don't think I really want to die (I am scared to) but I also don't want to be here anymore.
I don't know why I have come on here now, I don't know why I am posting this. I need to get this out somewhere though.
If you have read this far, thank you. To know that someone has read this does help.
Hello Kelly,
I think I remember you! I haven't here in a year or so but came back almost 2 weeks ago, so you're not the only one coming back to ryl.
Being in your situation must be really hard, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. And there is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, if you are telling someone about the assault. Telling someone about it can make it easier for you in coming to terms with it, or if you want to talk about it here you can do that,too.
Are you having therapy or a counselor? I'm just asking because you didn't write about it, but that you are taking meds. The problem with only taking meds and not having therapy/counseling is that meds alone can't solve the problem that causes you to feel the way you are feeling.
Laura
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I'm so sorry things are not good for you right now, I have been struggling recently too, you have not ruined 9 years, you were just testing your recovery, back on that bike, keep riding. I know about assault at the hands of a family member, keep talking, don't try and keep this bottled up. ETA you're not the only one who has slipped recently after a long recovery period. If you want to talk then I'm around a lot and if you pm I will definitely see it, keep talking x
Last edited by Mandimoo : 17-03-2014 at 10:52 AM.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Kelly I remember you, it is nice to see you again but I am sorry that it is because you are struggling again. First of all I don't think you have thrown away that nine years, they are still there. No one, not even you can ever take them away. Try instead of seeing it as a failure instead to see it as a blip in the road. These things happen sometimes but beating yourself up over it is only going to spiral yourself further back. Instead use it as a driving force to work towards your journey of recovery. Are you receiving any support at the moment?
I am sorry that you were assaulted by a family member, it is understandable that it has set you back. I do think you need to talk to someone about it though even if so your not as alone. Would your partner be someone safe you could talk to about it? I can understand your shame around being unwell and your partner having to see that but I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. He is with you because he loves you it is just a matter of you being able to see that too. Keep talking to us here if it helps. Take care
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
