I don't know what to do with myself. I'm falling apart. I'm so snappy and on edge. I picked up my primary school aged cousins from school earlier and was vile to them. I snapped at my Auntie when she got home from the city. I snapped at my Mum when she tried to help. I'm just a terrible, terrible person.
I haven't slept properly in... I cannot remember. About a week, maybe? I'm exhausted. So, so tired. MY CC came at 9:30 yesterday and said she's speak to psych. Psych emailed this morning to say he'd write a prescription for temazepam. He got stuck with an emergency at the other base though, so he couldn't get a prescription to my local base (CMHT covers wide area). So no sleep.
I have work tomorrow. NO idea how. I have a responsible job and there was a thing on TV the other day about people causing people's deaths not following procedure, but I don't know what to do. I have to go because we are SO short staffed but I don't want to kill anyone.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
You aren't a terrible person at all.
Having such little sleep can really affect mood and it's not your fault.
Will you be able to get the temazepam tomorrow?
Have you told anyone at work what is going on?
Maybe they'll be able to give you some more breaks or just reassurance about what you are doing if you really can't take the day off.
I hope that makes sense
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time lovely. Try to keep reminding yourself that this is temporary. Med changes can be awful, but it will pass. Lack of sleep definitely doesn't help, it really affects everything else, doesn't it? I'm glad you'll be getting some temazepam, though I know it's frustrating that you weren't able to get it today. For tonight, try to use the meds that you do have (it's okay, honestly, and even if it just helps you settle a bit then that's better than nothing), and do some relaxing and soothing things. Try to rest as much as you can even if you can't sleep.
About work, see how you feel in the morning. You know yourself and you will know if you're able to go in. Trust your own judgement. I know you put a lot of pressure on yourself, but if you're not well enough to go in then don't. Staff shortages are not your responsibility. If you do feel up to going, then tell your manager how you're feeling and I'm sure she'll do her best to give you tasks that are manageable or let you have some extra breaks. Your colleagues value you and want to support you, they'll understand.
Sending lots of love your way <3
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
If you can go to work and contribute in a way that is helpful and not damaging to yourself go but if that isn't the case think about giving yourself a day to get back on your feet. Not sleeping is no good for your mental health or your functioning at work. I am sure your colleagues would rather you took one day off than push yourself and end up off sick for longer.
I'm sorry you couldn't get the prescription today. It's understandable that you are snappy, I most certainly would be too. Not sleeping is awful. It doesn't make you a terrible person, I promise.
Like everyone else has said, can you settle down and do sleep hygiene and then get some rest, even if it isn't a proper sleep. With work, if you feel unable, don't do it. I know that is difficult because you don't want to let people down, but you need to do what is best for you and if being at work makes it worse/it wouldn't be safe then don't go in. I'm sure they will be able to manage or adjust somehow.
Really hope you manage to get your prescription tomorrow.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Work is so busy. There's no relief dispensers in the are. Now that someone's left, we're having a nightmare with all of us in, so if I don't go in it'll be horrible for my colleagues. S, the other dispenser, wouldn't even get a lunch break because there would be no one to cover and it's important the the pharmacist doesn't dispense and check his own work. It's really, really not safe.
My manager isn't in tomorrow. We have a relief pharmacist. He's lovely, but there's a lot he can't help with because he doesn't know how to do it. He's brilliant clinically and he's a really nice man, but he can just really clinically check things.
I messaged my colleague earlier to say that I'm not feeling 100%. She said they'd look after me. I just don't want to snap at anyone. I feel so, so guilty for snapping at the children today. They didn't deserve that. They still gave me big hugs and said thank you for their books, so perhaps it's OK? Well, not OK, but they've let it go easier than I have.
I phoned the crisis team. She was nice. Not much they can do though, is there? I don't think I want to die, but heaven seems appealing. There's too much I need to do on earth, but it's so hard to be alive right now.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Well done for phoning crisis. Can they give you anything? TBH I've never dealt with them so don't know what they can do. Do you have any diazepam left?
Keep focusing on the fun things to do on earth. Maybe write some nice things down that your looking forward too? I really can relate with the lack of sleep thing and how it can distort your views. You will get through this, it will pass and we will help you hold on tight until it does.
Kids get over things pretty easily. I had to carry my friends 2/3 yr old back from the shops as my friend couldn't and she wasnt happy (I think she wasn't allowed something, I can't remember) and kicking and screaming and every time I put her down she'd try to run into the main road so I had to physically stop her and after about 30 she was over it and I was forgiven, yet I felt so bad and guilty about her being so upset and needing to carry her when she was clearly in distress.
You didn't mean to snap at them, and it isn't like you do it constantly and the lack of sleep is going to help that. You didn't do it to be horrible or mean, your tired and exhausted and that's sadly something's that Just happen sometimes. I don't know anyone who hasn't snapped st there kids/kids
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
I'm glad you let your colleagues know you are struggling. Please lean on them today and together you can make it through the day. Do what you feel able to do. Remember the minimum you need to do is cover your colleagues lunch break and then you have done more than not going in. Take 5 minutes whenever you need. You are priority. If it means things take a little longer they take a little longer you'll get through it all by the end of the day.
Kids are so resilient, I bet they have forgotten already and everyone else will understand. The best people snap when so tired.
Is there someone who could collect your prescription today? Look after yourself lovely. X
I have temazepam now. I've got 20mg at night for two weeks. Psychiatrist tried to phone this afternoon but I don't know what he wanted. He left a message asking me to phone him back for a chat, but it was gone 6pm when I got message. Can try him tomorrow.
Work was awful. Our HCA called in sick, so we ended up with three staff instead of five. I cried. Lots. I was on my own over lunch and from 5pm - 6pm. Colleagues were kind. Mum met me for lunch, then picked my prescription up, then picked me up from work. Had to stop the car on the way home to I could vomit. I think it was relief.
Thank you for nice.things suggestion. I thought of going to see.good friends on 9th of march for the weekend. Also going camping with them in July. We laugh pretty much.constantly when we're together. Found out today that our other friend is going up too so she can see me, which felt nice.
I apologised to pharmacist for being useless. He said he couldn't have done what I did today on no sleep. They had to carry me all day.
In bed now. Will take meds soon. Hopefully drift off. So, so tired.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Try to put today aside and hopefully things will start to get better from here.
If you're not well enough to work though you shouldn't feel like you need to put yourself through so much stress. I'm sure everyone else would cope. Sure, things might be slower but your colleagues are unlikely to be reduced to tears during the day.
I hope you are now settled in bed. You are absolutely and completely awesome for managing to do all that you are doing. You are made of such strong stuff I hope the meds help you sleep.
I've had some sleep. Work was horrendous again yesterday. Slept last night though, so that's good. Phoned 111 last night because I felt awful and thought my medication was trying to kill me. A GP phoned me back and was so, so kind to me. She spoke to me for ages and said she's pretty sure it's a mild case of the flu. I really didn't think it was because I've had flu once before and I couldn't get out of bed, but I did have the flu jab in November, so it's probably just a mild bout. She offered to make an appointment at the GP OOH clinic, but we agreed that paracetamol, fluids and bed was the best course of action. She said I sounded stressed and we talked about work. She said to call back any time if I was worried in the night. She was amazing and really reassured me that I wasn't really ill.
I took an increased dose of aripiprazole today and I'm completely off of the amisulpride. Bit scared. Got 12 more days of temazepam for sleep though, as well as diazepam for day time anxiety and other coping strategies. I'm hoping that things will settle before I've used everything up. Tried to return psychiatrist's call Friday lunchtime, but his secretary didn't pick up, so I'll try again on Monday. I need to order some more aripiprazole at some point, because only psychiatrist can prescribe it in this area until I've been stable on it for three months. Can ask him about it on Monday, or CC about it on Wednesday if I don't get hold of him before then.
I feel anxious and tired and I never want to go back to work in that place again, but I guess it's just a case of plodding on. More good sleep tonight, recover from this virus and then reevaluate how I feel about work. I've got another four days of rest before I have to think about it.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I’m glad you’ve had some downtime before going back to work again. I really admire your determination to get through this and it’s great you have a supportive team .
Sorry have no real words of advice but it sounds like you’re doing really well given the circumstances. Being physically under the weather won’t help either.
I'm glad you got some sleep, Aubergine, also glad the GP chatted to you and was nice and helpful. I know personally that's sometimes all I need.
I hope you get to a place where you feel like you want to go to work, I'm sure after you feel better you will. You are very brave. I hope you know that.
"Hi Aubergine, I thought you were so brave yesterday. It was a very difficult day for all of us, but because you were not feeling very well you were super human to keep going. I hope you’ve had some rest and feeling a bit better. Thinking of you. Pharmacist. Xx"
The pharmacist we had on Friday sent me that. Ugh. I really, really embarrassed myself. I have never, ever cried so much at work. I don't want to go back. I could probably get signed off, but that's not acceptable because that would leave my colleague as the only dispenser. I usually love my job, but last week was the worst week in 5 years of working there. I've still got three days off to go and I'm panicking already. The other dispenser was texting me earlier and I.was trying to reassure her whilst wanting to run away myself. It's too hard. I cannot do another three weeks of this.
I've started to get sneakings of thoughts of hell and being taken alive. I'm not mad. I'm really trying to keep things in perspective. It's difficult though. The invisible people are ok, just commenting on the weather or what I'm having for dinner, but I'm scared they'll turn sinister again. I don't want to be crazy again. I'm terrified I'll die next time. What if I die and I don't need to, because I thought I did? I know my family lovely and I don't want that for them. We've already been through it once. I don't think they'd manage very well if it happened to them again.
Take temazepam and sleep. Don't panic about addiction. It's only night three. No one's coming to take me. Drugs and sleep. Drugs and sleep. I don't know. :(
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
That sounds so frightening Aubergine. Have you spoken to your CC about the invisible people and the thoughts? It’s quite possible the aripiprazole hasn’t kicked in yet and these are all symptoms from anisulpride withdrawal. Ultimately you seem really self aware and clued up on your warning signs and symptoms. That will stand you in good stead to avoid a relapse even if the meds turn out not to be as effective. You’re doing amazingly to keep talking here and to people in RL and that will probably really help you stay as well as possible.
Re the pharmacist, it sounds like they really respect you! You have a stressful job and clearly a really good work ethic. From what you’ve said, everyone is struggling, even those without your extra pressure. It seems to me that you should be proud of how you’ve kept going and made it through rather than being harsh on yourself for struggling. Now is a time for self compassion, not criticism- it’s ok to not be firing at 100% right now.
CC knows about the increase of the intrusion of the invisible people, but not about the thoughts because they've only started in the past few days and I saw her last Tuesday. I'm seeing her on Wednesday, so can tell her then. I might also be speaking to my psychiatrist before then, because he left me a message on Thursday asking me to call him for a chat. I was working on Friday and his secretary wasn't available at lunch time, so I couldn't get through to him to return his call, but I'm going to try again tomorrow. I'll be able to tell him and see what he says.
Psychiatrist spoke to a mental health pharmacist before prescribing the aripiprazole, because he wasn't 100% sure what to do for the best because of my ridiculous prolactin levels, but amazing stability on the amisulpride. He said that she'd said that things could get worse before they get better because of the way that aripiprazole works. So I've been prepared for this kind of, but I was still dreading it happening. I was stable on it in the past until I thought I'd stop taking it, ended up sectioned and they put me on olanzapine instead (horrible, horrible drug.) That's why they wanted me to titrate up to 20mg rather than trying a lower dose first, because I was stable on 20mg in the past.
I'm OK. I'm not unwell at the moment. I'm having thoughts that are causing me a bit of distress and I'm extremely irritated by the invisible people, but I'm aware that the thoughts are not true and that I am safe. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and not get completely consumed by them. It's then that I usually have an issue. I'm 30 years old, so I've been dealing with this for ten years now. I've learnt a lot of coping mechanisms, but dopamine doesn't always bow down to pressure, does it? No amount of mindfulness and walking can keep it from going askew if it so wishes, especially in times of stress. I'm just praying it behaves. I can't cope with another episode. I genuinely think I'll die next time.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
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