substance issues (benzo)
I rely on benzo's a lot when i'm not feeling my best - even when i'm feeling my best. Basically unless i'm level, i have massive urges to overtake/overdose (without wanting to go A&E or die etc) on benzos.
I"m starting to see this as a problem. I never used to. I'm at a point where i'm trying to be productive with my time and structured because it really helps me stay stable/manage better.
I see my taking habits as interfering at the moment. However, I'm scared to live my life without them. I'm scared to cut off my script, because they feel like they help when i'm feeling a bit all over. They shut me off, and everything is wavy and nothing bothers me anymore.
I know that in order to be my best and at my most healthy that this isn't a part of that life i'm trying to create for myself.
I know it's a dangerous habit. I know I could well OD and die at some point if I got too complacent or carried away or mixed with alcohol too much. At the moment, that doesn't scare me. I'm not at a point where I really think that would be the worst thing to happen to me. I view it as a blessing in disguise.
I know it's damaging to my study plans and my training (running etc) plans. It's damaging to my relationship because my GF gets upset with me overtaking it. To the point where most of the time I've stopped telling her. I just say i was really tired or sleepy and catching up on that.
I've started hiding it. Not only from my GF and support workers and team - but everyone. It's become a bit of a dirty little secret, like when I had my ED. When I had bulimia that felt similar in terms of secrecy, having to work around it and trying to manage my life alongside it and failing to some degree.
I'm not really sure what to do.
I'm questioning whether i want to come clean and never touch them again, but i don't feel able to right now. I don't feel like i've hit rock bottom with it yet - which is sometimes how bad it needs to get to shake yourself with reality and get the motivation to recover.
has anyone been through this kind of thing? and how did you cope with it or manage it?
do i need to sort it out now, or is it going to be fine to let it get slightly worse until i'm fed up with it for good?
i feel at an awkward stage. i'm not absolutely loving them and raving about them anymore, not in conversation etc. or anything like before.
it feels secret. <-- thats the main thing that has changed and is slightly concerning i guess.