Hey, so I'm Chloe and I'll just go straight into the topic.
Just before anyone says anything about this, I have been selfharming for a few years due to my selfhate, but I managed to stop for 2 whole weeks.
I've recently moved house, somewhere completely new. I don't normally make friends so easily, but everyone round here is so friendly meaning I've been able to get friends straight away. All of my friends are beautiful, the perfect shape, the perfect face, the perfect personality and then there's me. I've been getting so depressed about it all, that I relapsed.
None of my friends or family know that I selfharm, just me. Only I know. But it's getting too far, uncontrollable. Whenever my mood dips, all I can think about is hurting myself. Whether it's a cut, a bruise, a scratch or burn; it doesn't matter as long as I hurt myself... I want help. I want people to be here for me, to be there for me when I feel like I'm going to hurt myself.
I can't tell any of my friends in person, they'll think I'm some sort of monster like the last person I told did. Please? Can someone just be here for me? Because I'm tired of trying to go through everything by myself..
Hi Chloe, welcome to RYL.
I am sorry to hear that you've been having a difficult time, but well done of stopping for 2 weeks, that's great news.
It's easy to think everyone around us is perfect, but that's not true. Noone is perfect, it's part of being human, and we are often more aware of our own flaws than other people's.
Have you ever thought about speaking to someone about what's going on for you? It doesn't have to be a friend, it could be a parent or teacher or doctor, or just someone you know, but it often helps to tell someone.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time... *hugs* Managing to stop self harming for two weeks is a big achievement, so don't beat yourself up for slipping up. That doesn't make your achievement any smaller.
I'm glad you've managed to settle in and make friends, but I do agree with what talaiporia is saying about how we see other people. Nobody is perfect, and some of your friends probably see themselves as ugly, or fat, or stupid - because anyone who thinks they're perfect would cease to be so! I hope that makes sense. When people see you, what do you think they think? Maybe it would be helpful to ask some of your friends what they think of you.
It can be a huge release to tell someone about how much you're struggling, and I'm sorry that your last experience was so bad. But you're not a monster, and there will be people who love you no matter what.
Take care,
Ailsa xxx
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
hey chloe, listen heres the thing. what matters most is how you see yourself and you need to learn to trust and love yourself. maby select someone who doesnt mean as much to you to tell first. that way if they freak out and over react you wont be hurt as much as if it was your bestest friend. either way sounds like you do need help but also sounds like your ready for help. your just not sure anyone is ready to help you!
stay safe and feel free to pm me anytime hun xx
It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away
there is something called the halo effect, and it is super common. when we see something really great about someone, it becomes really difficult for us to see their flaws and their struggles and difficulties. they get a sort of "halo" and we don't notice all the imperfections and struggles, we just see the glowing positive. i assure you, your new friends are not perfect and do not have perfect lives, because no one on earth does...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I'm sorry you had just a bad experience but telling someone would be very helpful in the long run. You're not a monster, you're just struggling. You don't have to tell the person right away about SH but you can maybe talk to them about the other issues you're having. Feel free to PM is you need to talk.
Just to reiterate what everyone else has said already, it's so easy to assume someone to be perfect but there will always be someone in life who will find you to be their idea of perfection. It's a subjective term and it changes from individual to individual. In my opinion, the very fact that you exist and are here is beautiful, but that's not to say you will believe it.
Telling someone can be a scary thought, especially when you've had bad experiences before. Sometimes this happens because the person you've told doesn't understand what it is you're going through. That's why it's great that you've found RYL, as it's filled with people in similar situations. However, it's important to not let this become your crutch, and talking to someone, even if it's not about the self-harming, can be a really useful tool for you.
Maybe it would be easier if you expressed that you were merely struggling with the move and not knowing the environment very well, that way you can ease yourself in to how much you might want to tell the person. But then again your friends aren't the only people you can turn to. There are doctors, teachers (if you're in school) and counsellers you can open up to. Are you recieving any of this kind of help?
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
