Afraid of seeing him again

[Koriandr]

About two years ago, I met a guy online.
I was moving to his state and we planned to meet in person. The only reason we kept in contact so long (I believe) was because we had the promise of meeting up. I DID NOT move to his state *because* of him, I was moving to his state (California) anyway because of my career.
I'm going to call him... "$"

I should have seen the red flags before, but I didn't. Anyway, I moved to his state... He wanted to meet up, but meet up "privately". When I asked him if he would like to go to a comic con with me and meet my father, he declined and said he wouldn't feel comfortable "touching" me with Papa around.

Long story short, I moved to California and a month later was committed.
Blah blah blah... My mom got police involved because she suspected that he was an abuser. Turns out, he was and had a history of domestic violence...

We fell out HARD. I had to cut contact with him and it did not go over well...

About six months after I moved to California, I started seeing a fitness coach. She is a great coach, but she is really into "Spartan races" (which are basically like a fitness obstacle coarse)

Lo and behold... "$" was ALSO really big into the races. He even asked me once (before we met IRL) if I would join him in his hotel room and cheer him on during the race.
My mom wants to do a Spartan race, but I am too scared to because I don't want to run into "$" there.

I know my coach would completely understand, but I don't want to open that can of worms with my mom... I don't know what her response would be. She doesn't know that "$" does all the Spartan Races and I don't want to bring it up because it's a sore topic for both of us...

What to do?!

[Pi.R^2]

I think I would suggest telling your mum the truth if at all possible- I know you've said it was a sore topic, but what are you worried her reaction will be? I wonder if perhaps she'd actually be pleased that you are avoiding him as well as being honest with her.

[Koriandr]

I don't know what I expect her reaction would be...
I think that's what I'm afraid of. "The unknown".

I was thinking maybe I should tell my fitness coach about it first?

I started CBT, so I've been trying to "challenge" negative thoughts...
I'm jsut afraid my mom will be upset.

[activebrain]

You said you just started CBT, have you ever done DBT? That's where you learn assertiveness skills and maybe you could learn that interpersonal Effectiveness that's necessary in order to approach your mom with certain topics that are difficult. I know that once I learned about assertiveness oh, it made life a whole lot simpler with most people. Of course my parents were the exception because they are narcissists and those type of people don't seem to do well with any type of interpersonal effectiveness. They're right all the time , or so they think. At any rate, I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted